I'm livid on the inside. He is totally temp checking me instead of being direct. He attempted the conversation yet again and finally told me that he recently received a job offer in another state. He tried very hard to get me to weigh in, but I redirected it on him and asked what he thought. He thought this offer wouldn't pan out, since they are looking for someone now and we own our home. However he wanted to theoretically discuss it if he gets another offer at a better time. He still has not mentioned reconciliation, so, going with his idea to divorce, I asked what that would look like for him. He said he wasn't sure. I happen to have a friend that lives in our state and has teenage sons in that state, so I shared their custody arrangement, which is two months in the summer and alternating breaks/holidays. He said he didn't like that and dropped it. Then he started talking about me pursuing my independence, listing off hobbies, job opportunities, seeing someone. Yeah. Ok, buddy. I think he has gotten used to me being loyal to a fault. It's bullshit. Can we cuss here? Haha. If he's trying to test my commitment without wanting to be with me, he's a POS. (I really wouldn't expect this of him. He's typically not like that, but people in overwhelming circumstances act dumb all the time.) If he's trying to test my commitment, wants to be with me, but is too afraid to say so, he's not a POS but not what I want. He can be afraid of rejection or failing, but I'm worth the risk. I'm worth being brave for. I guess it's that I'm mad he's not being upfront and honest whatever it is that he's doing. Of course, I will process this on my own and let my emotions settle before doing anything. I will act as if.
Lol!! This made me laugh. Maybe you could direct him to the right places to seek help? Tell him to google “how to not be co-dependent” himself? Lol. But for him to ask for help nonetheless is a good step towards the right direction I think?
He shared that he is reading about codependency right now. Apparently he has at least one resource, but, considering, the material hasn't fully been absorbed.
Originally Posted by wooba
Your H does sound very confused still. It sounds like he’s at least making effort to become a better person. So before he makes significant progress on that, he will still be confused and his behavior and words will continue to confuse you. Hang in there!!
I honestly am struggling with resentment on the improvements. These are all areas that I wanted him to work on for years. And that's probably why he didn't--because it was my idea and not his. However, I'm trying to look at the end result, which is he's a better person and that benefits us all whether or not we divorce.
Huge development. So, we have this weekly meeting to discuss anything household/kid related. I don't think the particulars are all that important, but he misinterpreted a situation to mean that I didn't trust him to be physically safe with our children. Of course, this is not true at all. However, the more I tried to explain what my actions really meant and prove that I do trust him by living with him and letting him be alone with the children regularly, the more he doubled down on his feelings. He was choked up, crying, and obviously holding a lot of anger and hurt. I've been reading a lot on communication and remembered that most of the time people just want their feelings to be accepted. So that's what I did. I didn't agree with his perception that I don't trust him. I simply said that it must have been awful for him to feel that. All the tension left his body instantly. He was still upset but more sad and not angry. It didn't take too long for him to fully relax, and we ended up having a good conversation, just shooting the [censored], nothing of great importance. When I had privacy, I fell apart and just really spiraled. He hates me. He has no idea I love him. Trying is useless. What if he's seriously mentally ill? It was so dumb and just my anxiety getting a hold of me. After awhile, I journaled it all out and discovered this is a big theme in our relationship. He frequently misinterprets me and just runs with it. He's got mass amounts of resentment, and whenever he shares one with me it's not at all true or I'm completely unaware it was an issue. But he's still sitting with the resentment. He has become more aware of this recently, but I'm sure there's more I don't know about. Yes, he's responsible for communicating it. But I typically just correct him. "No, that's not what I meant at all," but he's not able to accept it yet. His fear has be disarmed. That comes through me accepting his feelings. Once he feels safe, he is able to understand me. I just had to share this, because it was such a huge revelation to me. Fear is a bitch. It's contagious. It's a liar. I need to accept my fear and then act on my values. He needs to do the same. We need to do this for each other.
However, the more I tried to explain what my actions really meant and prove that I do trust him by living with him and letting him be alone with the children regularly, the more he doubled down on his feelings. He was choked up, crying, and obviously holding a lot of anger and hurt. I've been reading a lot on communication and remembered that most of the time people just want their feelings to be accepted. So that's what I did.
Excellent! Yes we talk about that a lot here ("validation"). When you try to explain your position his perception is that you are telling him he is wrong. When you validate, it quickly diffuses the situation.
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I didn't agree with his perception that I don't trust him. I simply said that it must have been awful for him to feel that.
Perfect! Validation isn't agreeing or disagreeing, negotiating, arguing, explaining, justifying, etc. It's simply seeking to understand the other person's feelings and acknowledging those feelings.
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He hates me. He has no idea I love him. Trying is useless.
It's honestly pretty typical for a WAS to treat the LBS very poorly, even "hate" them. It will change in time, but it's miserable to go through for sure. Just hang in there and try to be patient!
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He's got mass amounts of resentment, and whenever he shares one with me it's not at all true or I'm completely unaware it was an issue.
Those things may not have been an issue at all, but now he had decided to take all those past grievances that he had let go of and turn them into reasons the M will never work. That's what WAS's do, we call it "rewriting of history". You can't fix him and you can't fix all that, so what do you do? You already touched on it- you listen and validate. Validation is perfect for these situations because it allows you to accept what he is saying without AGREEING with it.
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But I typically just correct him. "No, that's not what I meant at all," but he's not able to accept it yet.
Don't ever say that! Even in a healthy relationship. No one likes to be told they are wrong! If you step back and listen and validate, then often the other person will realize they were overreacting. But the key is letting them arrive at that conclusion themselves.
It's honestly pretty typical for a WAS to treat the LBS very poorly, even "hate" them. It will change in time, but it's miserable to go through for sure. Just hang in there and try to be patient!
Sorry if I wasn't clear. This was my internal dialogue when I was falling apart in private. He has never said that he hates me or even dislikes me. Since DDay he has complimented me more than in the past. I think patience is key in my situation. I am trying really hard. It's just difficult watching him put the pieces together.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Don't ever say that! Even in a healthy relationship. No one likes to be told they are wrong! If you step back and listen and validate, then often the other person will realize they were overreacting. But the key is letting them arrive at that conclusion themselves.
I feel like I missed that day in Relationships 101 or something. It seems so obvious now, but it was definitely not something I was taught or fully aware of before.
Not much has changed relationship wise, but I wanted to share some of my work. I'm taking a couple free classes from Coursera. Many of these websites (Udemy and Edx are a couple others) are offering more free classes due to covid19. Many topics are offered. I'm studying psychology, negotiation, and modern art. Still rotating through books--one on relationships and one on social skills and one fiction just for mental fun. Still doing art--paintings to decorate my bedroom and recreating famous artwork with sidewalk chalk. I've slacked a bit on walking. It's wicked humid and gross, so I'm trying some indoor alternatives. One thing I've actually grown to love is being alone. I'll take off for a weeknight (pre-planned because of kids), and I'll either go to a park if it's nice out or to my workplace after hours (bakery) to read or study. I bought new pillows! Sounds silly, but they are so fluffy and comfortable. I've also been working on rounding out my wardrobe--slowly and responsibly. I feel like I'm rocking life.
I said not much has changed. I guess that's true, but it's more of a slow and steady progress. Co-parenting is still great. Household duties are now evenly divided per my request. He's struggling a bit but gets everything done. He's commented many times that he appreciates I did this pretty much on my own for years. I have realized the whole lack of validation on my part was a running problem. Like a ton. I thought I was cheering him up or clearing up a misunderstanding, but it was received as disrespect, rejection, etc. True, he should have communicated that better, but I should have been a better listener.
I kicked ass for Father's Day. I feel really good about it, because it's purely reflective of who I am--not based on his actions or for a certain reaction. I kept to myself the whole day, and he sought me out. I insisted this is his time with the kids, that I wanted them to focus on one another without distraction, ie me. I've been a mediator/facilitator for them, um, always. I'm stepping back in so many areas, and he's experiencing growing pains. However he *is* growing. I'm proud of him actually.
I've done a ton of reflection. Our relationship was unhealthy. I don't think he realizes how unhealthy, as he's still struggling with codependent behavior and attempts to include in that. (I am struggling too, but I'm getting better! It will likely be a lifelong battle tbh. Yay, stubborn childhood beliefs!) Anyways, I'm fine with the relationship ending. It's sad, but if we can't be healthy together, then we can't be together. There's a lot of 'I wish I knew this years ago' regret, but you don't know what you don't know. I'd love to see if we can, but I'm not expecting that. The door is closed (maybe ajar) but not locked. I'm functioning on facts and logic. Emotions are dumb and misleading. So, we're discussing finances later this week. Probably address the house in a few weeks. Small steps. I'm still having anxiety attacks when facing real change, but it needs to happen if this is happening. He may chicken out and backpedal. He's still not done a thing. He hasn't even said the word divorce. But I need some progress in this. It's not going to the way it was.
I am thriving really. I had a friendship with a family member repaired through the communication skills I've been learning. My kids feel loved and liked. I'm sticking to all my stuff. I've been working on some art projects. Ah, I got a small group of friends to do an erotic-ish painting. It sounds weird, but it has been really positive for my body image. That's about it.
Small update. He is turning every conversation towards our relationship. Not literally every, single one but anything that requires more than a few minutes or having to do with the separation. He's completely overwhelmed, and it's one area I can empathize with him. 'Dude, yes, this effing [censored]. Why is this the best option, again?' I don't dare say that, just internal monologue. What he talks about is about how we interact or something that hurt his feelings. It's not done angrily but more hear me. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I can't get past validation.
Still some flirting from him. I've been testing the waters, but I'm scared again. I'm to the point where it's just confusing and almost off-putting. I'm focusing on keeping interactions neutral or positive, and that's been achieved. And, hey, he dropped the term SMART goals, so we're learning some of the same stuff. I feel good that we're both getting to a better place.
I know this doesn't follow the LRT. I don't know if it makes a difference, but my husband is Autistic. When following LRT, he took notice but was put off by the change in communication. He'd have meltdowns and panic attacks. I just can't do that to him. It doesn't hurt me, and it feels like we're closer, more emotionally intimate, which is really difficult for him to do. So I guess I'm in the cheese tunnels.
I have had a few more breakthroughs with my own behavior. It's just difficult. I didn't know. I'm really struggling with guilt. I feel bad that it took this long to really understand. I don't fault myself for it, but it's my responsibility. It's more sadness, maybe regret, for the consequences. I know one day I'll see this redeemed, and I'll see it as worth it. But right now, it [censored].
My body is banging right now. I hit 30 pounds lost. I'm starting to see muscle definition in my arms, legs, and my butt is quite perky. I'm still doing my classes and reading and art. I'm keeping up with the friends I can with covid still in full force.
