Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[oceangrl]

I like the tiny good things and not really caring about where H is since he's bouncing all around. Desire to have the desire... I think that follows along the "feelings follow action" which works... but he's got to do the actual work and to want it at some level.

Good on you for holding strong, too, about the travel. The last thing you want is to get the family separated and someone get sick, or them to get stuck if domestic travel restrictions go into place. I'm so, so glad we didn't end up going on our vacation as we probably would have had to turn around and get on an airplane right back.

I hope you can keep working on detaching and healing yourself, no matter what is going on with him. Whatever you can do to find that calm space again you found on the beach. (((HUGS)))

Feeings follow action.....this is so true. And that's the key. He has to do the actual work. Usually he has 5 million excuses. So I am skeptical at best. However, I do notice little things like I mentioned. I just think...okay We will see.

I always feel some level of guilt when I disagree with him because I am the bad guy who runs all his plans. So my old me wanting to prove: LOOK HOW GREAT I AM wants to rise her head. But instead I am learning to honor what I need.

And I try hard to remember those "beach moments." To reconnect and validate myself and detach. It's a process!
OG it’s so hard to ignore the breadcrumbs, but like me, you seem to be in a place where you recognise that they are insignificant, I’m sorry to say. Everything you say really resonates. My H refused to go to MC last year (we’d tried about 2 years ago and it was a disaster -back then it was him who took us). I didn’t push the agenda last year as I’d lost faith in the process. But I tried other marriage programs and he said he would join me in them but never did. I tried to explain that in mature relationships actions drive feeling etc but his efforts were always half hearted. I feel your pain of limbo, the frustration of their inaction (which is an action in itself). Remember he is undecided, else he would have left, he’s still trying to figure it out. You are being really strong, it may be difficult to get out an GAL at this time but you can still GAL at home, like you are doing, help him to believe that you can function without him, and are capable of making your own choices. You will get through this, you are stronger than you realise.

Do you think MC is working right now? Did he want to go in the first place? How would you feel if you said that you didn’t feel that MC was beneficial right now because you need some time to figure out what your goals and vision are? How would he react if his W suddenly indicated uncertainty?
Sending big hugs your way (via satellite seeing as all flights banned! ) smile.

I don't think MC is hurting....I don't know if it's helping. When it comes to disagreements, what is a bump in the road to others is brutal for us. I think it's because it's like Gottman says.... You need 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative. But my H doesn't love me and doesn't have a desire to be married to me. So that's a hard curveball. It's not like the normal situation where one says, "Hey I'm sorry for that thing I said, I love you and I know you have a good heart." It's like you need love to balance out the hurt.

MoGirl -- thanks for your supporting thoughts. I hate we are all here, but I am incredibly grateful we have each other.

[oceangrl]

My H flies back in tonight from business. He and I have different ideas about what it means to change routines in this pandemic. I can feel my cortisol levels rising already because I am scared I am in for a fight.

He wants to take DS with him on a camping trip for a few days. They would have to fly there. He feels very safe. I just want us all to be together during this time. But he gets so frustrated at me not thinking its a great idea I don't know what is up or down. If I say no I am the monster again and I have to live with it. Maybe a few days camping trip is okay? We don't have any camping supplies here so he needs to use his sisters, hence the trip.

I am continuing to try to detach, I just feel so worn down by these confrontations, and I feel discouraged because I know if we D they won't end. Possibly get more difficult.

[Pommy99]

OG I don’t know what it is like where you are but are people really still making uneccesry travel? If poss I would just say nothing, and let him get on with it, Surely he won’t go through with booking anything given the state of affairs. Or just say that whilst you won’t stop H going, at this uncertain and fluid time, you feel it is important for your children to remain in a safe and familiar place, for their own well-being. How old is your son ?

Try not to think about D. Focus on you , your family, your community , let him get on with whatever he wants to do. You are allowed to be firm about what you believe to be in the best interests of your children.

Keep going, you are already one step ahead of most people in this pandemic because you know how to act rationally, focus and be strong , and these will get you through whatever crisis unfolds now x

[oceangrl]

OG I don’t know what it is like where you are but are people really still making uneccesry travel? If poss I would just say nothing, and let him get on with it, Surely he won’t go through with booking anything given the state of affairs. Or just say that whilst you won’t stop H going, at this uncertain and fluid time, you feel it is important for your children to remain in a safe and familiar place, for their own well-being. How old is your son ?

Try not to think about D. Focus on you , your family, your community , let him get on with whatever he wants to do. You are allowed to be firm about what you believe to be in the best interests of your children.

Keep going, you are already one step ahead of most people in this pandemic because you know how to act rationally, focus and be strong , and these will get you through whatever crisis unfolds now x

thanks Pommy -- I would say most people seem to be taking it seriously, but a few are traveling for business or to get home to stay together. My H works in a part of the country where they don't seem to be taking it as seriously yet, but I think that is cracking down. My son is 11.

I am going to try and stay in the present and focus there. Good advice.

[may22]

Hi OG,

You fully have the right to prevent him from taking your son on an airplane. Honestly, the fact that he thinks this is a good idea just shows what absymal judgment he has right now. I mean if he could drive somewhere that would be one thing, but I think there's a real risk of domestic travel restrictions going into place and they could be stuck. This is all changing so quickly.

Anyway. If you don't want him to take your S on a plane right now, don't let him. So what if he throws a temper tantrum? You don't want to give in on things that are important to you just so he doesn't paint you as a monster. You aren't a monster. Don't let him pressure you into acting all cool and sure, whatever, go camping! on the outside and on the inside be slowly dying.

I always feel some level of guilt when I disagree with him because I am the bad guy who runs all his plans. So my old me wanting to prove: LOOK HOW GREAT I AM wants to rise her head. But instead I am learning to honor what I need.

I think this is terrific, you seeing this, and wanting to honor your own needs and be true to yourself. Keep repeating it to yourself. You ARE great. If he needs to paint you as the bad guy because he isn't mature enough to deal with reality... that is on him, not you.

HUGS. I know this is a crazy, crazy time.

[MoGirl]

Hey OG,
I hope you're okay. You haven't posted in a few days. I hope you're holding up okay with your H at home during the self quarantine. Be strong and try not to let him get in your head. I know it's easier said than done.

((Hugs))