When we were together H only drank socially. Could have a night of excess, but wasn’t the norm. No alcoholism in his FOO. Since entering MLC he ramped up his drinking and added marijuana (first time using at 50 yr old). I don’t know where his drinking is today. But OW posts pics of her refrigerator packed full of wine and champagne. And pics of her drinks in bars. So. Yeah. I am concerned.
I hear you about eventually becoming a friend. I hope I could do that some day. But I’m not sure. I am an all or nothing kinda gal. I have enough friends. My only available spot for him is husband. I believe if we don’t reconcile I will have to remove him from my life permanently. I wont be able to watch him and OW live the life my H and I worked hard for.
Anyways. The sun shines today. I will do my affirmations and get myself out to enjoy it.
H reached out via text yesterday. Second weekend in a row he’s reached out for something. Asking if he could pick up his bike. Again his text was very considerate and kind. I answered a few hours later very simply. I gave him the option of sat. or sun anytime but please give me a 30 minute warning.
Sat. Weather was beautiful. S1 and DIL showed up unexpectedly to visit and were leaving right when H showed up to pick up his bike.
They all talked in garage. I disappeared when he showed up. H didn’t see me or talk to me.
I can’t help but think it affected H somewhat to see that they were spending time with me at our family home. (They refuse to go to his bachelor pad)(can’t meet at restaurants during pandemic) I hope it jolted his sentimentality, reminding him of the family unit he blew up and gave up. I know he runs away from thinking about any of that by staying too busy. (Workaholic, traveling, socializing/partying) Things he’s not able to run to during this pandemic. Lots of forced time on his hands. The reason I think it may have affected him is because after each asking in the last 2 months he has always text me a gracious thank you, or something. This time. Nothing.
Anyways. The bike he picked up was a gift from his D when they reconnected when H was 16. (His D abandoned him physically and financially from age 11 until age 16- D died when H was19 -H’s skewed reality was D was a saint) The bike was very expensive at the time. H has had it for 36 years. He treasured it, yet didn’t take it with him when he moved out.
I think it’s a positive sign, that after D’s trunk incident of last weekend and now picking up the bike D gave him, that he may be working through some D issues. I can only hope. Plus. Biking was an old hobby he gave up when MLC started.
Hi MissnM. I just got myself up to date on your situation. I don't really have much to add, other than I think you handle yourself great with H. I think it must blow their minds how we handle ourselves. I totally get the standing. I want to as well, but find it tough knowing ow is out there. I'm slowly finding my way on my own, but will keep the door open.
Oh, you mentioned Feminine Energy? in an earlier post. I'll have to Google..
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Went up to lake house on Monday to meet with a new realtor, get the dock put in and the yard and house spruced up. I wanted it on the market ASAP. The window for using our lake home in our area is very small. So the selling window is even smaller. H was suppose to contact the realtor and take care of all this. I gave him the realtor info end of February. I waited. And waited. And True to MLC form he did not do it.
I do not contact my H. I reply with short, kind responses to his reaching out. I did have to text him Tuesday that I met with realtor, the price we decided on and that he needed to sign paperwork ASAP.
He responded with ‘thank you for taking care of this. I’ve been so busy with work’ (his MLC go-to excuse for not moving forward with any of the adult things he’s promised or has been responsible for the last 3 years) I simply replied ‘I appreciate how hard you work. I’m sure it’s been very difficult with covid’ Which he responded ‘I’m sure being at lake house was very difficult and I know you worked your butt off to get it ready to sell. I appreciate it’ I text ‘thank you’ He signed the paperwork immediately. Thank goodness for online signing. He text questions and I simply text back that he should contact the realtor with any questions.
It went on the market Yesterday. We received a full price offer this morning with, so far, 5 other showings today. Great news.
We bought this home 6 years ago. It was my idea. I thought it would be a good investment, a relaxing place for H to go (he was a big fisherman until MLC-he never once fished at our lake home and our son is a big fisherman- so has never fished with him)(I thought his withdrawal behavior was job stress related and this place would help-now I know MLC) a bonding place for our adult children and eventually grandchildren to gather, couples weekends (my H loved socializing and partying and I planned many successful ones up there) and a place I could flex my DIY muscle/ project. At the time of looking to buy, H said he didn’t want the stress of it. I made him a promise that I would be 100% responsible for the upkeep. I kept that promise. I fully renovated it and furnished it all by myself. I was adamant not to ask for his help because of my promise. I would work on plumbing and he would cook gourmet meals(his new MLC passion) while we were together up there. I thought it was a win win.
He used the lake home as one of the reasons he left me.
H said it had to be sold before we could file for D. It lost its shine for me. I didn’t want any part of it anymore. I finished the renovations enough to sell it. I put him in charge of dealing with realtor. I waited. And waited. And the window got really small. I finally forced a realtor on him and made him do the paperwork, etc. H contacts me with the price that was decided. It was higher than I thought, but went with because H said it’s what the realtor chose. It didn’t sell. The price was too high. The selling window closed. I was angry with the realtor and told him so. He informed me that he had recommended a lower price to my H initially and my H insisted on the higher price. WTF? I can’t help but feel H sabotaged the sale of our lake home last year.
I feel a sense of relief today that it may be sold (I don’t have to keep up with the maintenance anymore) and sadness because it’s one more part of our really great, old life gone.
When H text me this morning ‘we have a full price offer..blah,blah,blah.’ I think he wanted to converse with his old wife. I responded as short and sterile as possible, ie. like the checkout girl would.
Since BD1 he’s monstered very little. Mostly very kind and generous. And would agonize over how much I was hurting. (Didn’t stop him from continuing to lie, cheat and hurt me more) Since BD2 he’s been over the top kind, respectful, generous and walking on eggshells with me. (Still seeing OW, though) (and I don’t believe anything he says and 50% of what he does now that I know about MLC) While I am grateful that I don’t have a mean vindictive H, it makes it hard to shut myself off to him. To move on. I don’t have the unrelenting need to reach out to him anymore like I did pre BD2. Something in me switched when I found out about OW. That my honest H was in fact a liar. That I was totally blind to what was really happening. It changed me.
But at moments like this I’m reminded of and greatly feel the loss of my old H, our old life. I am so sad not to have him to share this success with. My project/renovations and investment idea is paying off greatly. We will see a big profit. I did it. And he should be here patting me on the back like I did for him during all his job success’s.
Pity party, First world problem rant over. I know my blessings. I’ll continue to count them.
Last edited by job; 05/12/2001:07 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
sometimes we go there especially because its a transition--like sale of this lake home something that was obviously very important to you at one point
as always, just take good care o0f yourself during these times These Mlcers just have so much work to do on themselves that most likely will not be done and as we let go more and more , we will get clarity when/if its time to totally drop the rope
hang in and Happy Mothers day to you
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Saturday night H text D27, S30, S26 and I in a group text that his 80 yr aunt had covid -was in hospital and it didn’t look good. We were very close to her. She is H godmother and H dads sister. She was more mom to H and mom-in-law to me, grandma to our kids than H own malignant narcissist mother. I knew this was going to knock him on his MLC butt.
I text him privately how sorry and sad I was. He replied thank you. (His text to me are usually wordy) The next day we were told she improved and she could go back to her assisted living facility. I text via same group text that this news was the best mother’s day gift I could ask for. And I was going to drop flowers, candy and a card off at nursing home for her. I would make it from the whole family. H immediately text thank you and than on our private feed wished me a happy mother’s day and thanked me for our beautiful children and everything I did to make them what they are today. Huh....Hasn’t wished me a happy mother’s day or birthday or holiday since he left 1.5 years ago.
Today we signed paperwork for sale of lake home via computer. H and realtor on 3 way call. After the call ended H called my phone. I should not have answered.
He jumped right into talking finances. And the next steps in the divorce process. Inferring something about me wanting it done soon. (?) I corrected him that I never said i wanted it to be done soon. And reminded him I never wanted the divorce. He seemed confused.
He wanted to know if I met with my personal financial guy. This meeting would have no affect on him or D in any way. So I didn’t answer. He pushed. I said as polite as possible that that info. doesn’t concern him. He started to whine (yes. A once mature, professional man whined like a child) about how concerned he was about me being financially ok and if I was figuring that out. (Like i was 2 yrs old and would not have thought to do that. I’ve always been the financially responsible one in our relationship)
I live in our home. Was a S.A.H.M. and don’t have a job. H asks me how I’ve been paying my bills for the last year and a half. (?!!) (What?! -like. I don’t know how he thinks I could be doing that or why I would be secretive about it) He couldn’t see in our shared checking where I’ve been paying my bills. I calmly told him I paid my card (a credit card I got the day he left) off on the 10th every month from our shared checking.
He also couldn’t remember some really key financial things. His comprehension was nonexistent. He’s a mess. I stayed calm and emotionless.
He than said a few major financial things i was not in agreement with. When I disagreed and corrected him, he lost his s#$t. Raised his voice. He talked over me. He said things he has never said to me before.(rewrote history) Awful things. (Monstering?) I calmly, my voice cracking with emotion (I tried so hard to eliminate the emotion. Ugh) told him that what he said was untrue, unfair and hurtful. While I agreed our divorce will serve us both if it’s amenable, after this new revelation, his words and behavior, I suggested he hire a lawyer and expect high legal fees because it no longer will be. Said goodbye and hung up first.
It was awful. It shreds you. The Jekyll and Hyde.
Within minutes (he was now in a work meeting) of me ending the call he sent a 7 inch text message backtracking on the horrible things he said, telling me how wonderful I am, doesn’t want this process (never uses the word divorce) to be contentious and apologizes for his role in our conversation going sideways. I haven’t answered back.
I’m so tired of my bipolar life. Within an hour I was extremely happy about selling the house and than really sad with my H behavior. Mother’s Day was huge ups and huge downs too.
I get why people stop standing. I’ve got my new normal that’s feeling comfortable and safe. Than H enters and rocks my sanity boat.
So many triggers that don’t go away because I choose to detach.
Should I respond to his apology?
Last edited by job; 05/12/2001:08 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
I hardly am the person to advise you on responding. I just wanted to jump in an say that I read your thread and so much of the behavior from your H is right on the same with my MLCer. (I feel like if we crossed paths at the market, we might comment like women do with toddlers, “how old is yours? Has he hit this benchmark?” Since my BD a year ago, my H has not left! You can read my thread, but as I read yours and the comments, one thing that stuck out was how your H has connected with former friends. I am just beginning to see that.
Your situation is something I needed to read. I always love when I see someone dealing with the same issue, and I hate it as well. No one deserves this. I really had to think back to see if I could figure out a trigger for MLC and a month before BD I had surgery. He was already acting distant for a long time but I think the surgery was the tipping point.
Anyway, I don’t want to hijack your post, just to comment that you are not alone, and we will get through this.
