MissM, I have not followed your stitch but just read your last post and wanted to say that there is a real victory here. I lived with my Monster MLCer for six years before he filed and I had to pay him to move out, by renting out half my apartment. He has never given me any money for the children, our mortgage, dropped our health insurance, openly had (still has)affair with married woman, abandoned our two businesses, stopped working while I worked 5 part time jobs and was solo parent, stole money out of our businesses and my own wallet and checks and even D11 (8 at the time)'s wallet and still throughout has claimed that everything was my fault and if I had just ceded control of businesses and finances to him he could have made millions. He even put our house/business on the market (long story of how I had to say yes) while I live here for almost two times the appraised value, with a slimy broker.
Throughout that time he lived at home, I kept standing without really many boundaries. I didn't understand that you could have financial boundaries and boundaries on how they speak to you and still stand. When he moved out, I still tried to stand (as in, be open to him coming back) but the abuse and the divorce evil (trying to destroy me and kids financially with the most vicious tactics and evil lawyer) got so disgusting that even Gerda had to face the truth and cut off all contact. Recently I even filed a police report about the emotional/verbal abuse that he still does via text after I blocked e-mail.
So I want to tell you that when I read how you handled the call, I thought, BRAVO! You know how to stand and still stand up for yourself.
And see it as a blessing that he wants you to be okay financially. Seriously. There is no need to have pride about that and it might be the last vestige of empathy he'll have til he comes out of this.
I would wait at least a few days and then say "Thanks for the kind words," or something really really short like that. My goal has always been to walk with God, and I think if you are doing that you can figure out how to be graceful and kind at least some of the time. I think I went too far, I was kind while allowing extreme abuse so that my kids could still have a dad at home, and that wasn't good for my kids. But my point is, I think you have a great sense of how to set boundaries and that will really help you heal. The roller coaster is unavoidable; you can only learn how to "flatten the curve"!!!!
Last edited by Gerda; 05/12/2007:05 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I appreciate the apology or thanks and leave it at that or a thumbs up
sit with it and see what feels right for you and your situation
At least he sees the truth which is a huge plus He probably is feeling a lot of confusion as well over the impending D, the finances and his new life without you
It sounds like you get triggered when he is crazy and feel good when he is nice it gives you hope maybe
I would try to balance self out to not be effected by his ups and down easier said than done just something to think about
hope is good, but it helps us to not let go keeps us glued in
hang in there you are doing really well
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
MissnM. Ooooh the old Jekyll & Hyde. Before my BD, I assumed H was experiencing male pms when he behaved like this. And now, sure, we can call it mlc, or whatever we want. It's not nice.
Great that he apologized. Do you need to reply? . Do you feel the need to reply? If you do feel the need, Id keep it short. Maybe a thumbs up? As in...got it.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
If you decide to post a reply, just say "thanks" and leave it at that. In many situations, we have to be the better person and bite the bullet just a wee bit. When I'm not sure what to do, I ask myself, what would I do if someone that I work with, neighbor, family or friend had behaved this way and then later apologized. If you say that you would respond with a "thanks", then do so.
He knew he had crossed the line when you held your ground, so he had to back peddle and apologize. BTW, nice work on standing your ground.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I waited a day. I decided I needed to reset a boundary. This is why- At BD2-2/20- H responded to my insane, rant text (seemed mild in my gf minds)which I called him a liar(true), cheater(true), that he disrespected me (true) and a coward (I believe true), I did not swear or say anything about OW. with ‘I will not let you besmirch my character, stop harassing me, I will only communicate with you via email from now on’. (Who even uses the word ‘besmirch’?)
I had 0 desire to ever speak to him again. So no problem. But. Geez. I send one text in months ranting about him being an adulterer and I’m ‘harassing him’. ‘I’m besmirching his character’ when it was all true. How dare he treat me like I did something wrong. Now I can laugh at how ridiculous and panicked he was. And not take it personally. But at the time... My natural inclination was to ‘turn my back on him’ and went NC. Dropped the rope, per se. Found out about MLC. Eye opening. Started fine tuning my position. Anyways. 45 days after BD2, our super close family friend had a serious accident. I stared at my phone forever. Than decided I was doing the decent, human thing to let H know. I defiantly did it as a text. H answered immediately via text. The next day our friend died. I send H text. H immediately called my phone -the first time in 9+? Months. I answered. We talked only about friend. I hung up first, etc. The last 45 days we have text some. He reaches out every time. I answer with minimal words, making him wait for a reply, etc. H is super gracious and accommodating toward me. I likey.
So. Current sitch. We sell our lake house. On a 3 way call with realtor to sign papers via computer. Call ends. My phone rings. It’s H. 2nd time he’s called in 11 months. H immediately starts talking financial things not relevant to meeting we just had, almost manically-doesn’t even greet me, just starts talking. i used my LBS skills, H monsters, I end the call. Within minutes H apologizes via text.
I chose to answer H apology text because I decided I needed to reset a boundary. I put at the beginning of text that the tone should read pragmatic. I said-(summation) please refrain from calling me unless it’s a family emergency. If you want to discuss financial things in the future let me know via text and email and we can schedule a time. The things you said to me were untrue and hurtful. Thank you for apologizing. I hope you can do some inner work to learn why you feel the need to rewrite our history and who I am as a person.
I boundary reset because I didn’t like H thinking he can easily call me when he wanted and I will fall in line. I felt H got comfortable and he thought he could control me again. I didn’t like it. I wanted him back to the overly gracious and walking on eggshells H that wonders if I’m gone for good. He crossed my boundary and I pushed him back. He.did.not.like.it. He text back. I could feel him ramping up by his number of text bubbles. He sends them like bullets. Hello Jekyll. I left him alone.
BD2 changed me. I lost the need to lash out angrily and be reactive to him. I consider that change a gift in all this ugly. A few things he text did hit me emotionally, but dissipated in a short time. He isn’t cruel or mean. Just self centered and entitled and knows it all. Can’t comprehend, listen or reason. His way or highway. And so paranoid. Rewrites history to rationalize his wrongness.
H normal personality is not motivated by money. He never needed material objects, toys etc. We started with nothing and H is now very successful. Ironically. I insisted he buy himself an expensive, sporty car when his car needed to be replaced. He wouldn’t. So I picked it out. Now gold digger OW is spinning around in it. I sabotaged my own life.
H has always said and says over and over that He will never screw me financially. H dad did that to his mom and he wants to be able to look his kids in the eye. (H words) You know. The dad my H believes is a saint all while he’s saying his dad screwed his mom financially. The dad who’s history H Is repeating. Dad abandon H, H abandons S26 from age 16-18 (which H had admitted to doing), Dad leaves Mom at 40, H leaves me at 50 (after ilybinilwy H admits He’s following dads history) Soooooooo. H says he will never screw me financially, but Dads history says that he will. And yesterday on the phone call I could hear that hungry, abandoned 11 year old boy whining when H said he wanted to make sure I’m ok financially. Believe nothing they say and half of what they do. I’ve protected myself financially as best as I can without a divorce. My lawyer and financial planner know what should be there. But what I’ve read is ‘good luck getting it back once it’s gone-court costs will drown you’’ So. I’m keeping a very close eye on things. OW is not cheap and his spending is insane. Red flags were flying while he monstered yesterday. I feel he’s rationalizing screwing me financially. Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!
I am a chaos kid. So I am capable of being confrontational and can stand up for myself if I need to. What I struggle with is discerning the appropriate response at the appropriate time. I panic because I don’t want to set him back in his journey or let him think he can cake eat. Words of affirmation is H love language but I can’t stomach giving him those after OW. So in every situation, I try to find a way to give him what he needs to move through this without vomiting all over myself or messing up.
I agree he knew he crossed a line. And so soon after. Maybe even while he was crossing it. He goes between old H and stranger so rapidly. Old H apologized. But in old H apology he had to add himself while he was complimenting me. They really try to love themselves. What scares me is when/if stranger is the dominate personality. One day at a time. I said a lot yesterday and feel good about the content and execution. Hopefully, he has a lucid moment to absorb a truth dart or two. Now, I’m going back to delayed short answers only after he reaches out, if even then. Thanks
When my husband started MLC I thought he was just overly stressed about work. So I was bending over backwards trying to find ways to relieve his stress while he was home. H made the $, i took care of everything else-home/kid/social related. In the world I ran, he had to only physically show up. I thought I was being the best wife. Pulling my weight. The more he withdrew, the more I took on, my expectations of him were 0. Backfilling and making excuses for him. When he had free time I told him to be with his friends because he worked so hard. I’ll mow the lawn and fix the refrigerator. His friends thought I was the best wife ever. So, I thought I was too. What a disaster. I was so blindsided at bombdrop. 2 months prior at a social function in front of good friends H proclaimed he would never leave me. Our kids. Our family. Our friends. Were all blindsided too. Which helped me when I felt I was going crazy.
And, as we all know, they start to say and do uncharacteristic things too, Jekyll and Hyde, and the marriage gets ickier.
That time seems so, so long ago now. Us working as a team. Me feeling life is normal. Wow. I guess it’s good it’s been awhile because I’m closer to the ‘maybe’ end of this. But that’s all relative. Yay.
I took your advice and sat on it overnight. It became clear I had to reset a boundary. I wrote about it above. I agree he is frantic. I work very hard to not get sucked in emotionally. But, his voice is still a trigger for me. And even though I don’t want it to be anymore, it goes away when it’s ready to go away, you know? I can’t make that trigger disappear. Part of my panic before talking to him is I don’t know what triggers there will be. I try to prepare myself with visualization and meditation. That unexpected phone call didn’t let me prepare. That’s why I should not have answered. Sheesh. I feel for those who have to see their MLCers everyday. I don’t know how they find peace.
Thank you for your advice and support. I truly value it.
When my husband started MLC I thought he was just overly stressed about work. So I was bending over backwards trying to find ways to relieve his stress while he was home. H made the $, i took care of everything else-home/kid/social related. In the world I ran, he had to only physically show up. I thought I was being the best wife. Pulling my weight. The more he withdrew, the more I took on, my expectations of him were 0. Backfilling and making excuses for him.
oh those were the days for me as well. My H had literally two things he had to do - work and showing up. Now he can only do one.
Now that he's gone, I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I don't have to carry all his drama anymore (well minimally at least).
Originally Posted by MissnM
What I struggle with is discerning the appropriate response at the appropriate time. I panic because I don’t want to set him back in his journey or let him think he can cake eat.
Overall it seems like you are doing well and finding your groove on how to deal with your H. I think you don't need to sweat the small stuff. fumbling at a response or saying the right thing at a moment is not necessarily going to either pull him back or push him further on his MLC journey. Cake eating to me is more of a perspective...if you think you're being taking advantage of, draw that boundary, pull that wall up (like you have).
just curious - how have you protected yourself financially without a divorce? I'm kind of in the same boat but we have no written agreements yet. my H has changed from "I will give you everything" - to "even splitting" ...who knows what will come next if we keep dragging this out.
Yes. Exactly. He worked and showed up. I was always ok with it. Until yesterday. In his monstering he rewrote our history. He said he worked and than came home and did all the parenting and cared for the house and the yard... After I picked up my jaw, I told him to ask our three kids, our neighbors, our family and our friends if they saw it that way. He whined that of course they would think he was only the money man. Huh? So apparently it’s true because he believes it is, not because it really is. It’s really good to know I wasn’t the only one who tried to be ‘the best wife ever’ by doing everything.
My H wanted to give me everything and more than half his salary monthly forever when he first left. I should have jumped on it. I hedged my bets that he’d come around and our marriage would be saved before he wised up about his financial offer. Nope.
How have I protected myself financially? I opened my own charge card and checking account right after he left. I gathered every bank account number and every password. Including his Venmo. I made copies of our income tax, his paystubs and our investment portfolio and other assets. I made copies of savings and checking accounts. So I’d have a baseline in case something disappears. I did a credit check to see if he opened charge cards. And recheck occasionally. I watch his cash withdrawals and withdrawal the same amount and put it away. I asked our financial advisor to alert me if he tries to do anything with our portfolio. I check our accounts regularly for movement. I saved emails where my H said he would be responsible for certain financial items. I met with a lawyer who looked over everything and told me what I can expect financially. When we close on the lake house next month I’m taking my half $ right away. I have my own personal financial planner that I’m using.
He could outsmart me if he suddenly has it in him. But I think it’s the best I can do without a divorce.
