Ten years ago, I started collection and posting links to wise words from the Divorce Busting forums while reading. I am not spending as much time these days reading, but others are free to post quotes here as well. If you do, please put a link to the original thread so others can dig deeper if needed.
Jealousy - it's a natural thing. Even the dumper feels to a degree when they see the dumpee with someone else. As the dumpee, the more you want the R the higher you will be on the jealousy scale. I am probably not even at a 2 anymore, I would say I am close to Zero. That number can and will temporarily bounce when I see her with someone. How do you get your jealousy number down? GAL, improve yourself, realize your own worth, become more attractive and believe it and feel the attention, and analyze W's flaws and realize she may not be that great of catch and Mr. New Guy does not know what he is in for LOL.
Validation - you don't just practice on women and it's not just for women, it's to be done with everyone. Validate everyone. It can take awhile for it to become a habit, but it will if you practice. Once it become a habit, you will see how all your interactions and relationships will improve, and how you will be viewed as someone who "really gets it".
Analyze W's flaws - do it and do it deeply, and talk it out in IC. I'm not saying blame everything on her, I'm just saying understand her as totally as possible, including flaws. If you're going to recon, you need to understand how to deal with them. But you may not want to recon the more you evaluate her core issues. In any event, you will be better served. And it will help you in your next R, as you will be better at identifying traits that will not work for you.
Being disrespected and treated with contempt - never accept abuse. For me there is nothing I ever did to get to that mindset, I have always even as a kid refused to be dissed or condescended to etc. I just have strong boundaries that are always enforced. Enforcement is different depending on the situation. If your W is laying it on heavy, all you have to do is say something like "okay you are being really nasty and rude, and I'm just not going to listen to it. When you're ready to act calmly like an adult, we can talk about (whatever the issue is) then." And then just STFU. Hang up if you're on the phone or you can leave the room or the house if you have to. When you get better at it, you won't have to even leave the room - I only did if I was moving about the house doing tasks anyway - I just carried on doing whatever I wanted. Be prepared that W will probably not calm down and will rage on for a bit, but don't let that sway you to engage. Don't do it.
Hope all here are well, we will get back to a better sense of normalcy soon, hang in there and stay positive!!!
Last edited by Ready2Change; 06/02/2009:55 PM.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In my readings, I learned that people that are attracted to an avoidant partner and stayed in such relationship often have intimacy issues of their own. We tolerate their distant and emotionally unavailable behavior because we ourselves are afraid of someone getting close and we are comfortable with someone who kept their distance. I know that sound paradoxical, but it can be true. Why are we with this avoidant partner when we can be with someone warmer? Perhaps we too find that intimacy to be a terrifying thing, and someone who we can love at a distance, is more comfortable for us, despite craving for their attention. "They are directly distant, while we are so by proxy"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Relationships generally fall apart for one of three reasons: (1) One partner becomes emotionally unstable for a variety of reasons, which may include mental illness, addiction, issues related to a bad childhood, etc. (2) One partner has a momentary lapse of judgement and cheats and the other partner can't forgive them, or (3) the relationship slowly degrades over time for both people.
In the first case, sometimes people have latent issues and they either temporarily get better (an addict stops using for a while, a person with a mood disorder pursues treatment, etc), or the partner knows the issues are there and chooses to ignore them initially, fooling themselves or falsely believing that things will magically get better in the future.
This "fooling yourself" phenomenon is a lot of what goes on -- you fall in love with who you want the person to be versus who they really are. Over time, your veneer gets stripped away, you see them for who they really are and it’s no longer acceptable.
The tragic situation is when someone who was emotionally healthy when you met and dated them has a breakdown after you're married and just becomes unlivable due to their issues. That's rare but it certainly does happen, people just "go crazy" sometimes.
The third scenario is really what the quote above is about. Chances are if the husband is ignoring the wife's complaints, it’s because he's not very motivated to respond to them. The reason is generally that he's not having his needs met either, and his complaints are likely also being ignored.
That's the vicious cycle that tends to land people here -- your needs aren't being met, so you're less motivated to provide your wife with what she needs. Her needs aren't being met, so she's not motivated to give you what you need, and that spinning wheel eventually drives you apart until one person (or both people) decides they want out.
Sometimes the scenarios are combined, you could have all three things going on.
My point is, unless you "went crazy" after you married W, this is in *no way* your fault for not responding to her complaints. She is equally if not more culpable than you are in that regard. Don't let her off the hook for that, and don't shoulder the blame.
It's good to be aware of these dynamics so that you can identify and avoid them in the future, but you're not guilty. Here's what I mean when I say "make things worse": you are genetically wired to protect your wife and kids. When she's in distress, your first instinct is going to be to try to make things better. When you feel that you're making an effort to relieve her distress, it brings you a feeling of relief.
When you don't respond to her distress, it’s going to make you feel uncomfortable. You're going to get a cortisol dump and it’s going to be very tempting to act to make that bad feeling stop.
You'll tell yourself stories that you're being a bad person, or that you're "pushing her away" to justify trying to relieve your discomfort. "Making things worse" means that you grin and bear it.
You basically need to withdraw support -- emotional support and financial support to the degree possible. If she makes a mess, *she* needs to clean it up. You do not step in and enable her in any way.
If she gets mad at you, you shrug it off, you don't engage.
If she cries in front of you, you let her cry and you make NO effort to comfort her.
You go out and "get a life" and you don't feel *any* responsibility to explain or justify what you're doing, you just do it.
Very important: You are *not* mean, punishing, or passive aggressive. You don't make nasty comments. You don't go out of your way to inconvenience her, you simply act as if you are completely uninterested and unaffected by her.
When she senses that she's losing control over you, she *will* fight back. She will try to manipulate you to stay invested in her. The more you resist, the harder she will try. She'll scream and yell, she'll accuse, she'll break down and cry, she'll blame. The minute you engage, you lose. This will be uncomfortable, it will feel *worse* than giving in to her and engaging. That's what making things worse means.
Often people mistake this fighting on the part of the WAW as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in her is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with her affair partners and outside interests, she can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
She needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for her if she chooses to return, and that if she wants to come back she's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell her that, she'll never believe it. You have to show her that beyond a doubt with your actions.
Ever run into a crazy person on the sidewalk who points at you and yells at you? You do what you can to minimize the interaction but after that you move on. It doesn't ruin your day, it certainly doesn't hurt your self-esteem or make you feel worse about who you are.
You need to regard her with exactly the same level of detachment and disinterest.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from her (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, she'll clamor to come back and if she doesn't you won't care. That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your white knight nature.
You cannot placate her, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push her away by withdrawing support.
She has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for starting this thread! I've went to quote people and didn't have anywhere to do it! Welcome back, and please R2C, come around more frequently! The board misses you insight and wisdom!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Being single is a thousand times better then being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Keep taking the hits and moving forward. That's how winnings done.
You'll be fine. I guarantee it!
WORDS TO LIVE BY. I wish all LBSs would read this statement, and understand it. Life is to short to put energy into someone that doesn't want to be with you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The dilemma you face in one we all had to face. The fact that it takes two to make a marriage, and only one to end a marriage. So you do not get the final say on whether or not the D will be "settled", she does. Protecting yourself, making sure the D settlement is fair and equitable, doesn't mean you are okay with the D, or think it is the right move. It is a recognition that without two committed spouses willing to work on the MR, there is no MR. I see LBWs struggle with this more than LBHs, but can you really claim what you have at the moment is a marriage?
So at some point you have to ask, what are you trying to save? All you can do is protect yourself, and hope and wait she comes to her senses. But if she wants the D, then she is going to get the D. And not protecting yourself to make sure you don't get completely screwed in the D is not going to stop that.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The greatest enemy lies within. Quell the rebellion and do the things that will make you prosper. We all know what they are, the hard part is doing them.
Take care of that daughter of yours. An empty house can be nice in a lot of ways, so focus on the positive.
Keep making friends, male and female, and know that you can be the man only a fool will be, but only if you want to be.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Finally! I was wondering where you went R2C. Even since the pandemic, I don’t see you much around this forum. I was waiting for you to create another DB quotes thread.
Thanks a bunch and stay safe out there!
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
