Steve_letting go part 3.

[sandi2]

I honestly have a plan going forward that I think will work for me. I am going to just distance myself as much as I can, be there 100% for my kids, and when she asks for anything else just politely and respectfully decline. No anger, no games, no manipulation no trying to solicit any "feelings". Just time and distance and being steady and not bouncing around her emotional games.

That is a good plan. Now, break it down. Decide how you will distance yourself. For example, not going to your in-laws house if she's there, would be a good step. Not responding to her texts when it's not about the kids, could be another step. She's going to pester you until she either gets mad or bored with you not responding. Whatever she feels about it is of no importance to you. She has to learn the hard way that you won't fall for her tricks.....including using the kids as a portal to have a conversation about the two of you.

Know what another good step to the plan would be? Coming to the board before you react/respond to anything concerning your WW. Give us time to talk you down from the ledge before you leap into another dark hole.

I want to be a Steve who is not gonna be pissed one day or a push over the next. Honestly things have been a lot easier and this distance has grown greater since I haven't been talking to her or doing anything to "fix things." Im gonna take my day off tomrrow and go fishing up in the hills after I get my truck registration and so on taken care of. I really need to stop worrying about eveyone else and find some inner peace.

Sounds good. I don't know if you've always had a problem with impulsiveness, but you may want to think ahead with a strategy, whenever you have those overpowering moments to believe something your W says. What can you do to bring yourself from 100 % sky rocketing emotions, back to earth where you can think calmly & rationally? Perhaps it's not impulsiveness, but it's something that causes you to rush right back to her while tossing everything else out the window. I think you are beginning to see, if you can get a grip on reacting to emotions. Even if you feel a certain way, you don't have to respond. Know what I mean?

I feel like the best option I got right now is to stop doing anything and just worry about myself and my kids.

Absolutely!

((hugs))

[Steve_]

So a bit of an update.

Ive been doing really well with pulling back and detatching a little more each day. Not there yet, I am still battling the lonliness and depression but a little less. I am doing very good with the GAL as well. Ive spent most of my time with my kids rebuilding RC cars and driving them around places and taking them to the lake and fishing things like that. I posted a snap chat of a RC truck I thought was awesome with a caption like "dude this is so cool, my next one some day, wishlist" it was a traxxas maxx truck I got the smaller 30mph ones now the kids love them and I got lots of friends following us and interested in it. They are really fun to do anywhere and fun to teach the kids to maintain them and so on. Well WW gets the snap off her sisters phone and buys me a $550 truck that does like 60mph... I didnt even know what to think about that.... I told her sister to tell her thank you, and me and the kids will have a blast with it.

I dropped the kids off and stayed in my truck the last time. WW did message me to say she is very happy with how I have been doing those outdoor hobbies and things with the kids. I told her "thank you, yeah its pretty fun" and that was that.

Im going to pick them up after work today. I got some parts to fix our second truck and I plan on taking them up into the mountains and try to find some snow to play in with the RC cars tomorrow. The charger can be used on my truck so we can head up there and go fishing and driving the trucks and stuff all day and the kids really enjoy it.

WW went and got lip injections, yeah she looks rediculous. One thing about her is her beauty, she was a 10. but that just looks tacky and messed up. She is trying so hard to go to the extreme and be nothing like the mom and wife she was, "trapped" into being. She is living a whole different life, everything she is doing the new car, the lips, boobs, new friends and work its all some fake life..crazy part is that she thinks she is okay, but its truly insane. I just sit back and shake my head, what a mess.


Something I have been interested in working on is understanding relationships better. Something I read with Cory Wayne and also with Tony Robbins was about the masiculine vs feminine energy and sexual polarity. I realize that our relationship was very off-base. My WW is a control freak, she has to be in charge of things, she has to know everything, she hates surprises and if you just come up with spontaneous plans she will most likely be put-off. I am more of a very laid back easy going type of guy. My problem is I was raised by my single mom and didnt have much of a masculine role model.

I am of the mind that the reason my wife loves me is that I have that soft, nice guy, more easy going and compassionate side. And it makes her feel good and loved and all that. But what was missing is the attraction. And if I was more in the feminine role and she was more in the masculine its only a matter of time until that dynamic breaks down. I was doing all the child rearing, cleaning, working, etc. She was simply existing in the M and doing pretty much nothing but hanging out and being spoiled. I sort of believe this (NOT AN EXCUSE) but was a symptom of why she went outside the M for affairs. Losing attraction over time. But couldnt leave me and the safety of her M. Until the last OM showed up who seemed so nice and caring and everything I was but with more money and he was shiny and new. Then he wanted her to stay home, to cook, to clean to watch his 3 kids and our two kids. That didnt work for her and she began to argue with him, stonewall, bicker about the kids, get frustrated and resentful toward him. In the end she still sees him as a good person and thinks thier only issue was the kids but no not really.

I feel like in the next relationship I need to take a handfull of both of these things. I will still love and support and be very compassionate, but Im going to also not be afraid to ask things of my partner, say what I want in a loving way, and expect them to put in the work that I do. I dont need to be 1000% masculine constantly thats just not me. But I definately cannot be in the feminine energy all the time. yes girls love a sweet sensitive caring man, but he becomes unattractive and boring over time. In line with the NMMG stuff. I guess its observations I think I saw in our R. Thought id share them.

[SteveLW]

Steve, good update.

One question, did you ever follow up on the new IC? I think you would benefit greatly from a good IC that is interested in getting you in to a better headspace.

[Steve_]

I did, but its gonna take time to swap over. The VA is that way. Its for Psycho therapy this time not an LMFT. Although I do have 3 LMFT's that I see at work and talk to about my situation. They are very pro-detatchment and push me to cut her off asap. The VA one was more of a "save the M" kinda lady. As far as resources go i got the DB and DR books, I got good friends and collegues and lots of support. I just was not able to really see my own value until recently. And I still struggle with it. But each day I get better.

[LH19]

Steve,

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying but you can read a million different books but until you get your codependency under control it won’t matter.

Yes your STBXW lost attraction for you but she cheats because she’s a tramp. Until she seeks professional help that will NEVER change.

[Kind18]

Steve, I wrote to you months ago. And said you needed to get into IC and that you would likely backtrack and roll over for your trash wife over and over.

That’s exactly what you’ve done... so I’ve stayed out of it, because frankly reading your posts has made my stomach turn.

But I’ve re-entered the fray because I see glimmers of hope.... Don’t disappoint me! Perhaps you’re starting to join the dots.

Get yourself into IC now. Don’t delay or make excuses. YOU HAVE THE CONTROL, right now, to hitch up your pants and get your **** in a pile. Your co-dependency is actually to blame for this terrible situation.

And BTW, she’s complete, manipulative trash - the worst I’ve ever read of on this site.

You can do so much better. Are you up to the challenge?

[Ginger1]

Many times on these boards a walk away wife loses some attraction over the years.

Your WAW is like none we have seen before. She is exactly what LH called her. A tramp. Actually, that’s being nice. She is a sick manipulative individual and it has nothing to do with losing attraction to you. You could be ANYONE and this would play out the same way. It really has nothing to do with you, except the fact it just keeps going on because you just keep letting it happen.

What YOU need to work on in IC is why you have let this go on for so long and why you keep falling for absolutely disgustingness. Because the same type of women are going to prey on you and you’ll fall hook line and sinker if you don’t fix your own issues independent of her.

No one and I mean no one should date your wife let alone marry her. She’s a sicko. And her parents quite honestly seem to enable her. Everyone seems to enable her sick manipulative behavior.

BTW, what does she do for a living that she can afford such expensive stuff? I’m curious. Collagen injections aren’t cheap. These expensive gifts she wants to buy you aren’t cheap. She’s a big spender. Where does she get this money? Is it her new illegal job?

[sandi2]

Good to hear from you. I think it's good that you are beginning to see some of these things and how it affects the man-woman relationship.

[Kind18]

You’ve got this Steve. Everyone here is behind you!

Do you have what it takes?

[sandi2]

I dropped the kids off and stayed in my truck the last time. WW did message me to say she is very happy with how I have been doing those outdoor hobbies and things with the kids. I told her "thank you, yeah its pretty fun" and that was that.

This is really a great step, Steve. May I suggest that you practice using only couple of words when you feel you must reply? For example, rather than saying "thank you, etc.".......just type TY. That's all you need to say. Also, try sending emojoies, rather than words. For example, you could have just sent a and said nothing else. The less words you use, the better.

My WW is a control freak, she has to be in charge of things, she has to know everything, she hates surprises and if you just come up with spontaneous plans she will most likely be put-off.

This is why she wants in your business all the time. Although she doesn't want to be married and settle down and be a family again, she wants the control in your life. I think you need to bear that in mind every time she throws a bread crumb in your direction.

I am more of a very laid back easy going type of guy. My problem is I was raised by my single mom and didnt have much of a masculine role model.

The two opposite personalities in you and WW are not uncommon at all. As for as you not having much of a masculine role model growing up, I'll pass along something the men on the board use to tell one a few years ago. They suggested they find a man they really respected/admired and could learn from this man by studying how he approached situations and how he handled problems. How did this man command respect? The man could even be fictional. However, if you have someone in real life, I would suggest you try that first.

I am of the mind that the reason my wife loves me is that I have that soft, nice guy, more easy going and compassionate side. And it makes her feel good and loved and all that. But what was missing is the attraction. And if I was more in the feminine role and she was more in the masculine its only a matter of time until that dynamic breaks down. I was doing all the child rearing, cleaning, working, etc. She was simply existing in the M and doing pretty much nothing but hanging out and being spoiled.

Can I get an amen from the choir! I have posted many times about this very situation. I have yet to see this dynamic prove successful when it comes down to keeping the attraction alive. You cannot do everything and leave her with no work/responsibilities. She will get lazy & bored. You cannot spoil her in this way. It will only kill her attraction for you. There are two adults in this relationship, and each one should have equal responsibilities. In a heterosexual relationship, a woman doesn't want to be married to another woman. She wants a man.

I guess its observations I think I saw in our R. Thought id share them.

Very good. Thanks for sharing, Steve.