I agree with your first point, disagree with your second and third point and as for your 4th point, I’m just a man like you who got my world flipped upside by the person closest to me.
I don’t think the site is wrong I just think people have a difficult time following advice because the majority is counterintuitive. They also don’t have the knowledge I have in six years of reading books, listening to podcasts and being on this board. Your statement of it can never be better is not true. I still believe in recons but I truly believe that has to come way down the road after years of life apart, reflection, healing and therapy. Until then you remove them from your life as soon as possible which may include a D.
I do believe if you follow the advice here, drop the rope and go and live an amazing life everything else will work itself out.
For me the bustin in divorcebusting equals, beating it. Winning (not loosing), R or not.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I get where you’re coming from. The vast majority of the marriages on this site are dead and won’t be resurrected.
And sometimes I feel like people here are just prolonging their pain, and being here to “stand” prevents them from moving on.
But to say the site is a waste of time... no. For me, it was a good resource. It helped me realise over time how much better off I was - and in 18 months I’ve gone from a shell of a man to being completely in control and blissfully happy.
If you believe this site is just about saving marriages, then you are missing the point. It’s actually about saving left behind spouses - and that is done 99% of the time by going separate ways.
Agree with last 3 post's, when i first got here a short while ago i would have taken anything to have her back in my life, but after reading many posts on her and being led by the experienced ones in the situations we find our self's in. i now realise how much pain and depression she left me in and how i am feeling now. and i don't want to go backwards and feel like that ever again. and yes the longer it goes on the better i feel - time is that healer! just let go.
I think this site gives people the best chance at saving or rebuilding their relationship. If you follow the advice here and things do not work out, then you can confidently move forward knowing you did everything in your power to save things without having regrets.
This site is not just about attempting to save a marriage, but to save you, the LBS. No one promises a poster that a marriage will be saved, but you sure as heck have a 50/50 chance of: 1) saving the marriage or 2) saving yourself in the process and moving forward to reclaim self and learn about yourself so that the same mistakes aren't made a second time around, if you so desire to remarry, etc.
I find it interesting that you've not started a thread of your own so that others can learn from your life's story. When we read about the life stories of others, we can also not only help each poster to find their footing once again, but we learn to share and help one another walk the path and sometimes, we can learn how to cope from those other life stories. We share adventures, self help stories and yes, even movies, books and hobbies that may help others.
Again, this site is about learning and exploring outside our comfort zone. It's not just about saving a marriage...but about saving a person and regaining their self worth and respect for themselves as well as others.
I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but I do have to wonder what triggered your creating a thread now. What happened?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was lost after bomb drop - not understanding how it could have possibly happened.
And through the counter intuitive knowledge that I learned here found my way forward.
That is what this site is all about.
DB101 control the only person that you can - YOU!
And sometimes marriages are saved and sometimes future relationships are made. You finally understand things that never made sense before and you do not continue to make the same mistakes over and over.
I have to add to the chorus here. I throttled a lot in my own sitch before I found this site. I got lucky and moved to R, but even if I hadn't I know that thanks to the vets here I would have been okay!
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/22/2102:14 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
