As I read through the forums on Divorce Busting, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share.
My advise, commit to personal growth. What you judge in others, you condemn in yourself. Take all the focus off of your spouse and address your own issues. How hard is it to change your own behavior? Now think how hard (almost impossible) to change someone else.
If you have kids, commit to being the best parent ever. Frequent and equal contact with both parents is important. You are responsible for your relationship with your kids. Let your spouse be responsible for their relationship with the kids. Learn new ways of parenting. Lots of great books out there. Most of the relationship skills dealing with spouse will also help in parenting.
Set goals for the future and keep taking steps to get there. Do this in all areas (SPIES - Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual.) Get in alignment (Beliefs, Thoughts, Body Language, Tones, Words, Actions) with your core values.
Try new ways of interacting. Read about boundaries and learn how to set and enforce them. Be in the present. Let go of the past and do not fear the future. Learn ways of being more attractive, especially in your behavior. Learn ways of being seductive (indirectly attracting). This is an extremely important set of skills to understand.
The best way to respond to a particular event? Initially, the best action to take is no action. Do your homework here. Do not react emotionally. Stay neutral. Seek wise council here. Evaluate all the different options and the possible outcomes of each. Challenge your current beliefs. Make a choice and live with the consequences, good or bad. Things are predictable. Read and read and read. Get mentally ahead of your spouse in the whole process ASAP, they are ahead right now.
As far as your spouse, until you have enough info to prove this wrong, assume there is another person (Hint: This is your first 180). Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception.
I wish everyone well during these difficult times. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what the WAS chooses.
Sandi2 has been such a great support person and has not logged in since 2021-03-22. I am hoping for the best but fear we may have lost her. I will be reading through her threads to understand her story better.
I never had a problem with age until this birthday. The big #60 was fast approaching and I was not dealing with it very well. My marriage of 41 years was dull, boring, sexless, and none of my emotional needs were being met. My H never was one to communicate...just wanted to watch tv all the time....no hobbies, recreaction.....nothing for fun...nothing...period... and after the first 25 years, I finally gave up.
I still tried to find things to fill the void in my life just as I always had befoe, but then I got Fibromyalgia and the stuff I went through with it would be a story within itself. However, the thing is this....out of boredom and lonliness I turned to playing games on the internet and those where you can chat with the person you play with. Then I began to flirt with them. What harm could it do? They were on the other side of the world and I would never see them. It was fun and I began to feel sexual excitment. Did I mention that H and I had not had sex in eleven years? Repeat....11 years! Finally I turned to a chat room that was really a "sex" web site. I got a email account that H would not know about....at least I thought he wouldn't find out. So, I began to have several men to respond to my profile that I placed on the web and the erotic chat was very exciting to me. I had always been the "good girl" when I was a teen and then the very "proper" Christian wife for over 40 years. This new "sin" that I discovered was so thrilling and I found out that I was not frigid because I could respond to the erotic chat. I also had a web cam and I began to show myself to these men. One thing led to another until I would be embarrased to tell what I did.
Anyway, H found the IM messages and was able to access everything that I had said. So, you know what hit the fan. After the talk he gave me, I was a good little girl and went to the computer and deleted all my contacts. Except one. Somehow, he was able to contact me when I went on line the next night. I secretly continued to communicate with him. A relationship quickly developed to a deeeper level. We have never met in real life, but he declares his love for me and wants to set up a meeting. H found out and is demanding I end the on line relationship. H wants to work things out in our marriage even though he feels like I have committed adulty (in my heart).
I feel confussed. I am drained emtionally and physically. I don't know if I want to continue the marriage or if I will ever want to have sex with H again. I tell myself that I have the "grass is greener" syndrome, but I can't help but wonder if that is my once in a lifetime chance at true hapiness. I have communicated with the OM almost every day for 8 months and he has told me everything about himself and I have "tested" him several ways and he always passes. My H even investigated him over the internet and could not find anything bad on him. I am going through the wanting to "flight" and yet I don't want to hurt H. He is a good man, but I don't feel in love with him. He is not highly motivated at all about anything. He does not provide a very high standard of living (because of his lack of motivation) whereas the OM makes a very good living.
I just don't know what to do. I am afraid if I leave it will destroy H. I can't seem to bring myself to tell OM goodbye....I tried about three times and always go back to him (on line). I waited for about 4 month after H found out about the OM for him to approach me to talk. I don't know why, he never has began a conversation before, except when he told me he knew about the OM. So, I broke my vow to myself and asked him if he wanted to talk and see if we could resolve some issues. The thing is that I have just got to the place that I am willing...."to be willing" to talk to H. That has been an accomplishment, but it is not good enough for H. He wants me to say that I want our marriage to work more than anything on earth and he says I am too negative about it. I don't show the "energy" (if you can believe that) that he wants to see put into it. Tonight, I told him that was the best I could do.
Any advice would be appreciated. I know all the horror stories about meetings over the internet, etc., so please don't go there. I know all the dangers, etc. I just need advice about the M and the R.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for responding. I have not read the book but was thinking about ordering it. I have already read so many on M. I can't honestly say what I want right now. I am confused and torn. I know I can't make a life with H as long as I hold on to the OM. At the same time I am scared to death to tell the OM good-bye. I know it is wrong to continue to communicate with OM, but he seems like my soul mate. Gosh, I have heard others say things like this and click my tongue in disgust at their stupidy. I consider myself to be a bright person, but I am not acting like it. My emotions are on a roller coaster. In the mornings I resolve to try to work on my marriage...and by night I don't have the desire to even look at my H. I appreciate the fact anyone would take the time just to talk to me and lend a friendly hand. I need someone to talk to me. I am so unhappy from years of noncommunication. We have been emotionally divorced for decades now. He wants to work it out, but I don't know if I have the energy left to do that. I don't know if I love him. I just don't know much of anything right now. Please keep talking to me.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you so much. It would be fine if you want to say anything to me. I guess I need to hear what anyone would say....if I agreed or not. Most of what I have read has been men going through MLC, but it was me in our case. Getting older, loosing my youth and looks, not to mention my health as well. It all has taken a toll on me. I am a little old to consider an affair, but that is what I am doing. I have never been with another man before or since my H. I know I am in crises. I am reaching out to anyone that will offer to help. Thanks.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hi, well, at some point maybe I have felt almost all the emotions except hate. I don't think I have ever felt that. It is just so easy to put all the blame on him right now, but I have to admit that he is not all to blame. I had the EA. I had the cybersex. He has always tried to tune out anything that he did not want to believe or accept. To other people, he appears to be next to a saint. That makes me the bad guy with our grown children, the church, people in general. So, I feel a lot of resentment toward him. I have a "turned-off" feeling about him in every category. I am having problems respecting him in the area of his work...or I should say lack of work. We are in serious debt that I blame him for. He blames me for being frigid all our married life. So, we are blaming each other. However, I own up to my mistakes and have admitted them to him. He, on the other hand, finds it very difficult to admit he was wrong about anything. We have tried to talk some this week, but don't think we've gained any ground. I would appreciate your comments. Thanks. Oh, and don't hesitate to ask anything.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Women can not love two men at the same time. Loving one will prevent you from having the right feelings for the one you have a history with. Trying to "eat cake" will cost you both men in the end.
Your feelings about your life with your H may originate from some legitimate concerns. These concerns need to be dealt with in another manner. The true odds of you being happy with the OM in two years (after your H will no longer speak your name) are minimal, but you may learn to live with your choices since you can't go back home.
People will tell you about someone they know that took a chance and never looked back. You will want to believe it is your calling. The only way to find out is to go for it. The only way to turn your back on everything that was ever important in your life is to go for it. The only way to find out it is a terrible mistake that can not be undone is to go for it.
The overwhelming amount of published works on mlc use great detail to explain your addiction. The excitement and addiction to the attention you are getting is no different than the addiction to a narcotic. Your brain is producing a chemical reaction to the experience and you are addicted to it. You do need to understand this. You do need to consider non emotional facts as you consider destroying your life and multiple family ties you have not discussed. This addiction runs its course. It leaves you more depressed in time, than you are now.
But you already know you will never forgive yourself for not taking this one time shot. You already know if you cut off OM cold turkey for good, you will think about him every day and never forgive yourself for trying. Well, in time you will never forgive yourself for abandoning your M this way, but the only way to find out is to go for it ... and I believe you will.
I think you developed such a negative view of your life and your H's role in it that you believe you will die if you don't go for it. You have come to the wrong place if you are hoping for support in leaving. You see, most of us have had someone destroy our lives and we were probably viewed just as boring as your H. But we loved our W unconditionally. We could have forgiven almost anything and worked through it all if only we would have been allowed.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I wish I could just tell you to stop this and love your husband but it is just not that easy. I know because I have been there. I had a MLC and at one point another man was involved. By the time 3+ years of MLC had ransacked my family and I woke up to look at the destruction mostly caused by my own hand, it was too late. But I found this board and my faith again and I've stood for over 18 months now. Finally, sometimes, I see the mountain moving. What it has taken me a long time to understand is that these "other people" are just symptoms of the real issues. Issues that lie in ourselves and our marriages.
You are not bad. You were lonely, vulnerable and neglected. Your husband's burden in your story is massive. But it was your actions that blew the lid off. And it was you that found this board and let me tell you, you know that saying "to whom much is given, much will be required"? Well, you just got handed a huge tool when you found this board and the courage to post here. But now the real work will begin and it's going to begin when you turn that finger around that is pointing at your husband and instead, it points at you. You are the only person whose actions you are responsible for, the only person in your life that you CAN change. Boredom will be nowhere to be found, trust me. But there is a TREMENDOUS amount of pain involved in everything that falls under the heading of "Divorce Busting". In my experience, the first thing that has to be "busted" is the wall of BS we've been spoon-feeding ourselves for years. If you can get through that part, and I believe you can because I KNOW how hard it was for you to write that first post and await the responses. I REMEMBER. It is hard to come to a place like this and say (in a manner of speaking) "I'm like the ones that hurt all of you...". You have what it takes for this fight even though you don't even know if you WANT to fight...
There is a stumbling block in your immediate path and it is the thing that concerns me the most.
This online "friend".
Sweetheart, he exists primarily in your mind. There's not a man alive on this earth that could ever live up to the image you HAVE CREATED based on the information you have about him. I guarantee it. I GUARANTEE it. He is a myth. He's not your Knight in shining armor, he's not Prince charming and there IS NO riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after. How could there be, with your broken family standing there behind you? He made you feel the things your husband had ceased to because he allowed himself to become complacent about himself, you and the marriage. THAT'S where the answers are. They're not online. They're not with that man. He is not your man.
At this point, your logic is all that is screaming for help. It is not your heart. But your heart can be turned back to your husband.
If I am nothing else, I am proof of that.
Your journey forward is going to have to start with an honest look back, from your husband's point of view.
Pray about it.
God will show you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Glad I did not turn you away from the forum. The fact that you are looking for direction shows you know your moral compass is failing you. The other thing that comes to my mind is that you may not be as completely mlc as you think.
When we learn more about mlc we learn about the deep seated roots that begin in troubled childhoods. The roots grow slowly but strongly into suppressed low self esteem. The low self esteem finally blooms into a newly emerged super ego that must change everything that was, into something different.
When this happens to someone and lives are destroyed, it is easy to classify this "life stage transition" as a crisis ... mlc. Psychologists such as Karl Jung have published books the size of tree trunks on the subject of life stages and the transitions between them. No offense intended, but I do not believe you are in the middle of a life stage transition, unless it is a very retarded one. By that, please understand the meaning of my words were chosen carefully not to offend. By retarded, I totally mean "delayed". It is possible.
More likely, over time you have become so totally disconnected and detached in your M that you now feel it is dead and beyond changing to meet your emotional needs. This is different from what we often call mlc. It would more closely fit the WAW as described in Michelle's WAW article .
Still, you are faced with the same outcome as someone in mlc. You need something in your life that creates passion for you. The most common source is a connection to the opposite sex. It does not have to be that way. Further, the source of your passion does not have to come from outside the M. Your ability to understand your concerns and compartmentalize your issues into individual tasks allows you to work on them one at a time.
There are books you may want to consider just to pass some time and inject additional concepts into your busy, confuse mind. Knowledge is power and you need many new tools at your disposal in this battle. Take time to read all you can. It will provide you a great deal of release to understand more dynamics behind the emotions you face.
A very very popular release in recent years by Gail Sheehy is "Breaking Point". It was an instant best seller. When my mlc XW was reading this I pointed out there were no happy endings for the husbands in the book. She left the room. Actually, there was one ... and the book seemed to paint the woman that went back to her H as a failure for not casting everything aside to explore the wide world of unknown passions.
One that was never written as a self help book comes from the years ago. Erica Jong wrote "Fear of Flying" in hopes of ... oh hell, who knows. Was she trying to be bold, meaningful, or just unique. I don't know that she even knew what she was trying to do. As I understand it, the thinking was that is was a biography of her jet set lifestyle. Certain facts were not factual, like the ending where things appeared to be working out for her. That is not the ending her life realized. Still, I think you would take away some deeper understanding than most that may read this title. One of my XW's IC suggested it to her. I gave her mine after reading it, but I don't think she ever opened it.
What the book did in fact do, was encourage an incredible number of women to leave their M. I don't think they read the whole book. It was easy to loose interest before finishing.
On the self help aisle I suggest you try to gain some understanding from the other side. Think about reading one of the titles "we" are familiar with. The most significant of these for you would be one that is dated, out of print, but usually available on Amazon ... one copy at a time. "Understanding Midlife Crisis" by Peter O'Conner is factual and informative regarding the actual mlc. It teaches there are no bad guys, just bad situations that were born of years of preprogramming. There are many others, but I am more familiar with "Hope for the Separated" by Chapman; and "When the one you love wants to leave" by Harvey. Another popular title is Surviving Your Husbands MLC by the late Sally Conway. You could benefit from learning how your actions are interpreted by your H or others.
Some very wise folks I think a lot of have gained insight from "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal" by Shirley Glass. It is on my very long To Read list.
If you are still reading, I have one last book. I saved it on purpose. It is hard for the LBS to read. Another suggested book from one of the XW's IC. It explains the pressures facing the MLCer although they don't call it that. This author is a female who approaches life for people who are living In The Meantime. "In The Meantime:Finding yourself and the love you want" by VanZant tells the reader your life is like a multi story home and you are stuck in the cluttered basement. To live a full rewarding life, you have housecleaning to do. Of course part of that is giving yourself over to the external callings such as the affair. So if you are looking for an abstract explanation of what you may be confronted with, this may actually be useful as the concepts are solid if not scary to the LBS.
There are many many books for working on the M. First, you need to decide how you plan to proceed with your life. In or Out of the M.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I read through your whole post and the advice you have been given. I felt great sympathy for you while reading your opening post. I can understand why you feel the way you do from the description you gave. I also admire you for reaching out for help. I wish my Wife would have done the same before she walked out on me. She had her reasons as well, some valid, some not. I am from the other side of the fence, my wife left me for OM.
It's has been a while. My anger, anxiety, sadness, sense of failure, guilt, and lack of self-worth have dissipated and I am able to look at my situation and others objectively now. There really are no bad people in all of this. None of us want to hurt each other. I'm at a better place in my life now and visit this board for continued heeling, support, comradery, and to try and help others where possible. I deeply loved my wife a one time and just about walked through fire to save our marriage. I can tell you, it was pure hell to go through. I was never offered the opportunity to reconcile with me wife despite my best efforts. I no longer have a desire to save my marriage and wish my stbx all the best. I have grown and discovered some things about myself through this experience. I've walked through hell and didn't let the devil catch me. I remain positive about my future and harbor no bad feelings.
The only advice I can offer from my perspective is to please be positive of your decision if you do leave your husband, There is a great likelihood that he won't be there for you if things don't work out with OM. Are you prepared to live and be happy on your own? Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
