Hi BL42, thank you for checking in. I wrote an elaborate post two days ago, addressing everyone who replied to me, but I haven't seen it here. Perhaps, I forgot to press 'post reply,' or it's still needing to be approved.
I'm meeting with the lawyer today, which feels very very strange. The communication between my h and I is extremely limited. I last talked to him when I asked him about the lawyer he retained. He has since sent me a few one sentence messages. The last message pertained to some of the difficulties he's facing. This is undoubtedly true, however, my previous automatic response would have been to offer instant comfort and/or solutions. This time, I did not reply (it wasn't a question). My therapist told me I am always out to 'rescue/help' people, but don't ask for help myself. Though I have a 'helping' profession, I'm trying to change this in my personal life.
I feel a lot of resentment towards my h, partially because our son is really struggling and I'm left to handle this by myself. I am shocked as to how little my h inquires about him.
On a good note, I am happy to go back to work. I love my work and currently, it's where I socialize. I am also going to an event this week, the presenters of a podcast I like to listen to are in town. I'm going by myself, which is new to me, but I'm excited to go nonetheless.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I met with the lawyer for a two hour consultation, so I've learned a lot. Though it's good to be informed, it did become clear to me that divorce is "not an easy way out" and nobody really benefits from it. I needed a few hours to process everything and did not sleep well.
I have the DR book, which I'll keep reviewing. My h has been reaching out to me a little bit more, but since none of his messages contained questions I did not reply. Today however, he asked a question :-). The lawyer commented that my h seemed really checked out, which of course I know, but was though to hear nonetheless.
One thing I'm struggling with is how to handle the communication about our son. He is not doing well, so do I let h know (which today I did) or, since my h is not really asking about our son, do I not say anything until he asks. These things used to be so easy and now I don't know what's best anymore :-(.
I'm worried that if I share what the lie was about, I'll be very recognizable ;-), so I'm reluctant to do so. I can say it didn't involve another woman. Nevertheless, I would not be surprised if there is one. At least it would explain some of what is happening. I have tried to find evidence of an affair but haven't found anything so far.
Regarding your question about talking to your H about your son, I see nothing wrong with keeping him in the loop as long as you aren't using it as a means to guilt or manipulate your H for his actions.
For instance, I would not recommend "Son is struggling because you decided to leave the marriage".
A better message would be "Son seems to be really struggling with anxiety and depression and I'm worried about him".
WOS, I saw you had posted your story over the holidays, and just felt you were already good advice from the board. Keep up the good work so far. Know that many of us know what you are going through and can empathize and relate. When my sitch hit on my BD right before Christmas 4 years ago it was the worst holiday season of my life.
Remember to take care of yourself. Eat healthy, get some exercise, do what you have to in order to sleep (melatonin, benadryl, etc). Self care is usually the first thing to fall off when we are going through stressful time and anxiety is high. If you aren't in IC I STRONGLY encourage it.
Can you tell us something about the big lie, if not the lie itself? Without details? "He spent a large sum of money without telling me." "Or spent the weekend with a exGF." You can give just the gist without the details. Big lies are told by people all the time so if you keep it generic then there is a very small likelihood anyone could connect the dots. BUT only share what you are comfortable with, so if that is nothing about the lie then that is okay too!
Hang in there, it does get better. When we are going through the pain of our sitch it can feel hopeless. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum, the "You will not die" one in particular. It is all going to be ok again one day regardless of the outcome.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I informed him (just the facts), but he didn't respond to any of it. He did respond to other, happier, messages. People around me have commented on how uninvolved my h is with my son currently and this really got to me. Why is this? I couldn't stop obsessing over it and caved. I asked my h if he has time to chat today because I'd love for my son to see his dad more often. After having done that, I realized that, sadly, that it's really not within my control.
I feel the need to put some boundaries in place for my own sanity. I find this intermittent (and limited) superficial communication from my h very stressful. There are dozens of elephants in the room, on being our son, that are not being discussed. My h is an extreme avoider of confrontation. Within his family, people can go for months without talking to each other and then one day they simply start talking again (without having resolved anything). Not talking and avoiding, it feels very comfortable to him. I know I can't control what he does, but what can I do here to protect myself at least?
it did become clear to me that divorce is "not an easy way out" and nobody really benefits from it.
Well, it's rare someone feels like they "won" financially. Often our notions of a fair division of assets and fair support are at odds at least somewhat with the legal definitions. But, there would be no divorces if everyone lost. Many on these forums ultimately filed and completed the divorce. It allows you to cut that tie with a partner who's not working--perhaps untrustworthy, unfaithful, abusive, or already in a new relationship. It makes us freer to pursue our happy solo or with another.
I love Thornton's advice about communication involving your son. He's spot on--describe your son's feelings/behaviors at your home. Share anything your son or a medical professional or his caregiver(s) told you that may be helpful and not violate trust. Resist the urge to add your own blaming or shaming (manipulation). Resist the urge to tell him what he should do about it (control).
