Sorry you find yourself here. Your story and the things you are going through, totally resonate with me. The LBS diet is a thing…lol. I, too, had been trying to lose 10 to 20 pounds for years. My life gets blown up and suddenly, I’m down 40. I agree with KML. I think it is an adrenaline thing. The kind of adrenaline that floods your system when your life is threatened. Few truly understand how traumatic and life altering something like this is until they go through it.
I remember all too well the angst when I knew he would be showing up and all of the time I spent worrying about how I would present… not wanting to show what a mess of emotions I was. He used to come by our home a couple mornings a week to pick up our daughter and take her to tutoring. I used to make sure I was dressed and looking my best just to say hello to him and goodbye to my daughter. Two minutes and he would be gone. It was emotionally exhausting. Eventually, for my own sanity, I made a point of not seeing him and I remember the day that he arrived and I was in my bathroom getting ready for the day and I completely forgot he was showing up. What an amazing day that was!!! To know that I was finally starting to come out the other side of it all.
It’s been three and a half years now since I found out about OW and his double life and my life is nothing like it was or what I thought it would be. That was the hardest part, I think, coming to terms that what I thought would be my future was no longer a possibility. Letting go of that dream and the person I thought he was took a lot of hard work and time. And today I am not living the life I thought I would have but it is still a great life. I have friends that I didn’t have before and have had experiences I never would have had if this had not happened. Life is a journey and I am grateful for mine. I hope you will one day be grateful for yours as well.
But until then… like everyone on here has advised… take the focus off of you H and put it fully on you. Think back to who you were before you were married. What did you love to do? What were the qualities you had that attracted your H in the first place? Have you allowed the things that make you uniquely you fall by the wayside in favour of being one half of a couple? At the end of the day, the only person we are guaranteed to be with from the start of our life to the end of it, is ourselves. Be your own best friend Stella. You will get through this and you will look back one day and be AMAZED. Big (((hugs)))
One trick I used - I wrote some advice or a sentence to myself on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket. If things were going badly or I was starting to have too much trouble maintaining my composure, I’d excuse myself to go to the bathroom and pull that paper out and read it. It would help me pull myself back together.
Look good, keep your expectations to zero. If he lingers too long and it’s getting too intense, tell him you’re sorry but you have yo leave, you’re meeting a friend for lunch/dinner/ whatever. Or just walk out the door when he does, get in your car and drive off. Mysterious.
My experience was different from Don’s. With the help of a good friend who had known us both for 20 years, I was able to eventually see my ex’s narcissistic nature - and it explained a LOT. Once I took off my rose colored glasses, the pieces started to fall together. Sometimes you don’t realize you’re the frog being boiled until you jump into the cold water. Men I have dated since my divorce have shown me by comparison the things I was tolerating in my marriage.
One example - my ex was a fat nazi. He’d badmouth fat patients. He wanted me to lose weight when I was 5’6” and 118 lbs - and I was underweight! I look back at photos and my ribs were sticking out! The men I’ve dated since have celebrated my curves.
Do think in advance about what a genuine attempt in his part to fix this would look like, and don’t settle for less. Him getting his own place, seeing a therapist or going to AA, giving you transparency to his phone and email is what a truly remorseful response might look like.
Stella, I was reading your post about this morning, the thoughts you had and the comments of your friend. Yes. Been there. So many mornings. Nights too. And middle of the night. And middle of the day. Pretty much 24/7 at one point.
I think this is normal, given the circumstances.
I'm going to make a suggestion which may or not make sense to you - have you ever checked out Alanon? You're still interacting with him, he's drinking alcoholically and behaving in a manner consistent with someone who is actively drinking destructively. Alanon is for the family member. It helps them focus on themselves and detach from the person drinking and behaving badly. Meetings are in person or on line. I suggest maybe checking one out. Just a thought.
There are many overlapping principles from Alanon in DB, IMHO - especially detachment and focusing on ourselves rather than the misbehaving spouse.
Couldn't hurt, right?
Just google meetings, alanon and you'll find what you are looking for.
I'm not sure, because my memory stinks lately, have you read Divorce Remedy? I found that so very helpful, especially at the beginning. Don't tell your husband about the book or this place. This is YOUR place. FOR YOU.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Ok totally out of the blue, here... H just text to see if he still had permission to come over tomorrow, I replied yes. He said " Ok I can shovel the driveway if you want" I said that would be nice thank you. Then tells me he is going to his moms (I miss his mom) and then he will be here.
Just kinda strange. After last friday and him screaming at me about the money I transfed and ending our communication with "I just need some peace and quiet." I gave him just that. Then on Monday he reached out to me asking how I was feeling and asking about my DR. appoint, and to let him know when surgery was scheduled I kept my responses short and to the point. Dr. appointment was Tuesday, I waited till wednesday and sent him a simple text, Surgery on Monday and I have taxes ready. He kept the convo going by telling me a funny story about one of our friends gallbladder surgery, and said he could stop on Saturday. So not sure why he reached out to me just now I guess leaving him alone did something.. or its just his guilt, because he knows that the snowblower drags me around and with my back its hard to shovel. hmmm I know whats the saying, believe nothing they say and half of what they do...??
DejaVu I am trying, but just started last Friday night after he told me he "just needed some peace and quiet" I have cut my texting and calling him. Its getting easy, I used to feel like I HAD to contact him and I HAD to talk to him. So far this week I have done good with that except for texting him on wednesday, abourt surgery and taxes. Making a spa appointment for after my surgery, ahhh I look forward to that.
kml 118 pounds..omg thats too skinny..and yes, I think about what it would look like for him to fix this, but it has to come from him, I can not tell him what he needs to do. What if he ask me what he needs to do??? How do I answer that question???? Awe god I just thought that as I typed... Hope he doesn't ask me. Over the 6 months before he moved out I did everything, books that I would ask him to read (he read 2) IC for both of use, videos, articles I would send him. At this point I have done everything and said everything I could possible say. You would think at this point I would be done talking...
bttyfly I have ordered the book just waiting on it. My IC also recommended Alanon. I did sit in on one online meeting. Guess I should order that book too. Not sure I got much out of it, might be better in person. My IC told me to try online 1sth, so I could remain anonymos, but I really dont care who knows. Everyone already knows H is a drunk.
I want to let you all know how greatful I am to have found you all. I know that this journey has just started, (8 months since the first BD 2 months since he left) but everyones words are helpful and it has been very therapeutic for me to beable to get it all out hear and off my chest. My friends and family have all been great, but none of them have had to deal with anything like this before, and I would imagine it gets old to listen to my pain. Just knowing everyone is out there, thank you for being such great people!!!
suggestion is to try six different meetings before making up your mind about whether or not it's for you. do you remember which book you ordered? courage to change is a great daily reader, my favorite of the three.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I can not tell him what he needs to do. What if he ask me what he needs to do??? How do I answer that question????
24 hour rule. Remember you do not have to give an answer immediately. Say, hmmm, that’s a really good question. l’d need to think about that.
If you want to prompt a bit, “What do you feel you need to do?”. However, I recommend not prompting H. Most MLCers are just looking for justification to blame and run. Anything and everything you say will be used against you. Stay pressure free. Kind and cordial. Give lots of time and space. Enough for him to choke on. H needs to feel what is it like to lose you.
Good luck tomorrow. You will to great.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi, Stella. I am so sorry you are here, but as you have discovered this is a good place to be, full of people who understand what you’re going through and are here to listen and support you! I wanted to say this really resonated with me:
Originally Posted by Stella20
I have come to appreciate anything that calms me. Lighting candles, having a spa day at home, long hot showers, ocean sounds that I play to sleep to, holding my fur babies while they purr, and this site. Finding this site and all of you, has been a God send to me, like a shining light in the darkness. And good chocolate,... Anything to calm me and take my mind somewhere else.
I am so glad you are recognizing the things that calm you and bring you comfort and, as with your fur babies, remind you you are loved and worthy of love.
Hold on to these things and add to this list. So much of what got me through (and what still gets me through) waves of sadness or anger or whatever emotion felt overwhelming in the moment was to remember these other things also exist and, when they occur, to be present with them too. I would say maybe it’s not so much about taking the mind somewhere else but letting your mind and body rest right where it (also) is—in these good moments too, which exist along with the hard moments.
Good morning, Need to rant a bit befor H gets here.
Feeling odd this morning, yesterday I was kind of excited, looking forward to see H today. This morning, not so much. Actually I am feeling kind of angry. Why be nice and offer to shovel??? At the end of the day he is still with the OW, and I am alone. He still is living with and sleeping with that nasty POS. Ughhh. so many different emotions this morning.
Mad at him for being so f-ing stupid, mad at him for not being a stronger person and standing for our M and believing in us, for not facing his issues, for blaming everything on me. Mad at him as I think about all of the lies and deceit from the last 8 months. The way he treated me, all of it. And today is what???? he feels guilty about his actions, so he is finally gonna stop over and grace me with his presents...He is screwed up, this is his doing, not mine. I did nothing wrong, I did not break my vows. Yet here I am dealing with all of the Sh*t that he has caused, while his is out there living it up and partying like a rockstar with no care in the world.
He still hasn't really had or faced any consequences for his actions, only thing he has said is the he is upset because I get all the sympathy and he has to deal with the backlash everywhere he goes. Oh poor baby, when you flaunt you affair and run around like you are the new hot couple in town to all of our friends, while you are both still married, what did you expect?? A party, congrautlation on destroying and emotionally devastating your spouses?? Good job on fooling everyone..Seriously I don't think that will hit him in the face until after the 1st court date to set temp spousal support. Which will just piss him off when he realizes how much money he will owe me.
You don’t actually have to stay. You can hand him the papers, thank him for shoveling and head out for a walk, right? Or drive off if the shoveling doesn’t have to be done first. Do what’s best for you.
