That’s a tough question. If I’m being honest probably awhile. I was afraid of divorce for myself and the kids and my ex wasn’t a disrespectful WW. Though if I found out she was up to no good I would have been done.
Part of the reason I post is I’m an advocate that D is better the bs you put up with as a standing LBS. Not much worse than trying to save something by yourself.
I will tell you this that someday you won’t remember feeling like you down now. Some day you will feel peace.
I’m not sure though I will ever feel completely whole again knowing my intact family is gone forever.
Ok LH, I thought I was with you and feeling the wind in my sails that divorce is the only move for me, I'll file next week, and find a new great woman by next Christmas, etc. Then your last line threw me.
Whoa whoa whoa. File for divorce if that’s what you feel is right for you.
Here’s another thing I will tell you if you do go for divorce. Do NOT put timelines on anything! Feel and embrace every moment of the journey. Everything is going to unfold exactly the way it was supposed to when it’s supposed to.
Doug my last sentence was me just being honest. The day I found the passcode on my exs phone changed my life and it’s never been the same. I’m not saying it’s not better now because it is I’m just saying that there’s a part of me that was lost that day and I can still feel it I’m my soul.
Doug no matter what happens your life is never going to be the same again.
Ok LH, I thought I was with you and feeling the wind in my sails that divorce is the only move for me, I'll file next week, and find a new great woman by next Christmas, etc. Then your last line threw me.
Divorce is not the only move for you!
Originally Posted by LH19
Whoa whoa whoa. File for divorce if that’s what you feel is right for you.
Doug, you file only when you know and believe it is right for you. Feelings change. Do not make such decisions based upon emotions.
“The wind in my sails” “I’ll file next week” “Find a new great woman by next Christmas.”
What ?!?
Do not get caught up in the glamorization of divorce. Make no mistakes - divorce is not glamorous!
If, and that is if not when, IF divorce becomes necessary then proceed with it like a business deal.
Divorce doesn’t bring peace. Divorce doesn’t bring fulfillment. Divorce doesn’t bring joy, or happiness, or contentment, etc. Divorce cleaves your relationship and your assets. That’s it! Best know and believe what you’re doing before jumping off that cliff.
Your personal growth, will or will not happen, regardless of your martial status. It depends solely upon you.
I speak plenty about acceptance and forgiveness. It’s a serious and solemn journey for one’s self. That is the path to contentment and peace. And happiness, I find, is a byproduct of contentment.
Your thread title: Stuck in Limbo. You’re only as stuck as you believe you are. It is only as much a limbo as you believe it is.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ I think I can really learn if I pay attention and heed. I hope I do well and pass these tests the Lord is presenting me with and walking me through.
actually i'm going to say something that may go in opposition to this board:
my divorce HAS brought a measure of peace which I never expected.
I did not want my divorce. I did my best to DB, God knows he didn't make it easy with his constant bullying and monstering. I believe that marriage is meant for life, not until MLC or boredom or some other excuse like you didn't meet their needs that they were supposed to figure out how to meet themselves but couldn't.
What I have now that I didn't have in my marriage are a number of unexpected gifts:
1. there is no more pressure disguised as support.
2. there is no more subtle, then ever-increasingly not-so-subtle criticisms, of pretty much everything.
3. there is no more worry about paying for groceries at the register while he has 4 gym memberships, a BMW and two motorcycles.
to name a few things.
Could those issues have been addressed without a divorce? Absolutely. I really believe they could, IF and only IF my exh was willing to put in the necessary work on both the marriage and even more importantly himself.
That's a big if.
DnJ's post made me think back to pre-BD and compare it to now. In many ways life is harder now, but also much calmer. No one is threatening to move us out of the country because of some perceived political trend. I control my own money and my own spending. There's less money, yes, but also less turmoil. So much less turmoil.
Overall, I believe that I will have a happier and much more peaceful life in the years to come.
Last edited by bttrfly; 01/11/2312:21 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Some things I couldn't add in my previous post because the edit button timed out:
read #1 again and again until it really sinks in.
no one is judging me today except me.
When I said if and only if -- I meant this: that I could and did follow BD principles, hired a great DB coach who helped a lot, and the techniques worked, but not long term in my case.
I think when the sale went through of our marital home, something broke inside of me. I wasn't willing to accept crumbs, cake eating or touch and gos.
I gave him everything he wanted - enough rope to hang himself. And still, I did not want this divorce.
But now that it's here? I'm grateful for unanswered prayers.
I will also say something else as I'm thinking of it:
there is a vast, vast difference between what people experience in a BD and it's done case versus IHS. Read HaWho's threads to get a small view of what I mean. Living IH with a cheating spouse is miserable. Thank God I only had that officially for 3 weeks, although one could argue that 50% travel for the prior year was a big lead up. There are people here who had IHS for YEARS. God bless them, i don't know how they did it. Read LH's threads for that as well.
Pre-BD insanity varies case by case. In my case, the last 4 years were an evolving nightmare that I can only see in hindsight.
Where am I now? Off the leash and running free!
Last edited by bttrfly; 01/11/2312:40 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Whoa whoa whoa. File for divorce if that’s what you feel is right for you.
Here’s another thing I will tell you if you do go for divorce. Do NOT put timelines on anything! Feel and embrace every moment of the journey. Everything is going to unfold exactly the way it was supposed to when it’s supposed to.
Doug my last sentence was me just being honest. The day I found the passcode on my exs phone changed my life and it’s never been the same. I’m not saying it’s not better now because it is I’m just saying that there’s a part of me that was lost that day and I can still feel it I’m my soul.
Doug no matter what happens your life is never going to be the same again.
Hope that makes sense.
Thanks, LH. I can always count on you. Let's meet up some time in real life to pound back a few.
Do you remember any differences in your behavior or within your household when you knew that your wife was out and that nothing would change her mind? She wanted to feel the butterflies again or whatever and had told her parents; there was no going back...she had crossed the rubicon.
Do not get caught up in the glamorization of divorce. Make no mistakes - divorce is not glamorous!
If, and that is if not when, IF divorce becomes necessary then proceed with it like a business deal.
Divorce doesn’t bring peace. Divorce doesn’t bring fulfillment. Divorce doesn’t bring joy, or happiness, or contentment, etc. Divorce cleaves your relationship and your assets. That’s it! Best know and believe what you’re doing before jumping off that cliff.
DnJ - thanks for your thoughts. Here is what I get caught up in:
- Can I ever be happy in this relationship again? - What is the point where I know it's time to cut my losses? (Only I can answer this, yes) - Am I doing my children a disservice letting them think this is a normal relationship? - Would I be doing my children a disservice pulling the plug myself, not knowing if and when W will finish her journey, and our marriage becomes acceptable again? - Is W simply playing out the string and planning a slow and methodical exit? (Honestly, she would probably have to be a sociopath for this to be true. I think if she does wind up filing for divorce on her own, it isn't something she knows to be true and definite today.)
Bttrfly- thanks for your input. I do have sort of an unofficial and fluid list in my head of ways my life and level of happiness would quite possibly improve if this marriage ended. Of course, there's a flip side to that coin as well.
No one who responds to my posts has anything to go upon other than what I offer. In all actuality, I would not deem my life to be terrible right now. If I was better at "stop sign imagery" and arresting unwelcome thoughts that percolate in my head, my life would probably be even better. I see my kids every day. I interact with my wife in mostly decent fashion every day and we sleep in the same bed together, often with intimacy Everyone is healthy, at least as far as I know. There's just the mushroom cloud of not knowing all that W is up to and what the final resolution of this situation will be. I would bet the mortgage that MLC is involved, which I guess maybe sorta takes some of the sting away a tiny bit, knowing W is fighting some demons and playing out a journey that can't be prematurely manipulated.
Bttrfly, it looks like you got divorced in 2016. Do you still wish it hadn't happened, or are you happy? Have you met someone else?
