Thanks, LH. I can always count on you. Let's meet up some time in real life to pound back a few.
I do love Vegas lol.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Do you remember any differences in your behavior or within your household when you knew that your wife was out and that nothing would change her mind? She wanted to feel the butterflies again or whatever and had told her parents; there was no going back...she had crossed the rubicon.
Yeah I stopped giving a $hit about any interactions with her. I wasn't mean, I think we only had one argument, I was just gone whenever I had the chance or in the basement. It was weird about a month before she left I started to feel like the caged animal. You will get there it just takes time.
Those are good things to consider. I’ll add some more fodder for your pondering.
Originally Posted by Doug54
- Can I ever be happy in this relationship again?
Happiness comes from contentment and peace within self. Find equanimity.
The only relationship that can foster happiness is the relationship with yourself. (And God, if you’re not an atheist. So, two relationships. )
Originally Posted by Doug54
- What is the point where I know it's time to cut my losses? (Only I can answer this, yes)
Yes, that is for you to answer. However, how one approaches the question (or the answer) opens up new ways of seeing a possible resolution. Perhaps, it’s not about losses and gains; not that black and white. Beliefs and values don’t have a tipping point.
Originally Posted by Doug54
- Am I doing my children a disservice letting them think this is a normal relationship?
Well, first off, this is a normal relationship. Statistically, half of all first marriages end in divorce. And the percentage goes up from there for each subsequent marriage.
So, what is normal?
Ha, normal. Life, relationships, and so on, are not static. Not in some locked equilibrium. Everything is growing and changing. How one responds to that, is the test.
How we respond, react, and control ourselves does a service to our children. How we frame, speak, teach, and inspire about our relationship is a service. All relationships - marriage, friends, coworkers, adversaries, authorities, etc.
Please do not think or believe your living example is a disservice. Live better and not bitter.
A disservice would be creating a belief that only “good” relationship are normal. Real life relationships have ups and downs. They grow and change. Some endure. Some don’t.
Originally Posted by Doug54
- Would I be doing my children a disservice pulling the plug myself, not knowing if and when W will finish her journey, and our marriage becomes acceptable again?
There are certainly reasons to end a relationship. Abuse/assault is pretty high on that list. Removing toxic people from one’s life is another of life’s lessons that serve.
No one can see the future. As best one can, leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out.
My experience, my kids do not look upon W pulling the plug to kindly.
All actions have reactions. Have benefits and consequences. We each have to live with our’s. Hopefully our choices tip towards more of the former.
Originally Posted by Doug54
- Is W simply playing out the string and planning a slow and methodical exit? (Honestly, she would probably have to be a sociopath for this to be true. I think if she does wind up filing for divorce on her own, it isn't something she knows to be true and definite today.)
I agree. Today, she does not have a definite exit plan ready to set in motion.
And I further agree with you, she is on a journey. Her journey.
And you are on your’s. And will be, regardless of whatever she does.
And your two journeys currently still mingle and are entangled. That is very very much not what I, nor my kids, have.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Bttrfly- thanks for your input. I do have sort of an unofficial and fluid list in my head of ways my life and level of happiness would quite possibly improve if this marriage ended. Of course, there's a flip side to that coin as well.
No one who responds to my posts has anything to go upon other than what I offer. In all actuality, I would not deem my life to be terrible right now. If I was better at "stop sign imagery" and arresting unwelcome thoughts that percolate in my head, my life would probably be even better. I see my kids every day. I interact with my wife in mostly decent fashion every day and we sleep in the same bed together, often with intimacy Everyone is healthy, at least as far as I know. There's just the mushroom cloud of not knowing all that W is up to and what the final resolution of this situation will be. I would bet the mortgage that MLC is involved, which I guess maybe sorta takes some of the sting away a tiny bit, knowing W is fighting some demons and playing out a journey that can't be prematurely manipulated.
Bttrfly, it looks like you got divorced in 2016. Do you still wish it hadn't happened, or are you happy? Have you met someone else?
yes my divorce was final 12/23/16
I will always wish that my marriage didn't fail. Failure isn't something I accept well. Mach1 will tell you I'm an overachiever. He's not wrong.
As disappointed as I am in my ex, as disgusted as I am by some of his choices and subsequent behaviors, we were together for more than half my life and I loved him dearly. Truth be told part of me always will.
This does not preclude me being happy now.
There have been a lot of things in my life the past three years which have disrupted my peace - my dad's decline and subsequent death, then my mom's decline and subsequent death, all the while issues with my son happening in parallel. There's been a lot on my plate.
That said, am I happy? well, I just finished a year of mourning for my mom and my dad, and processing all that's happened. I feel like I'm coming out of it. Prior to 2019, yes, I was definitely getting my groove back, figuring out how I wanted to live my life and had really happy moments. Not the wellspring of joy I had prior to my marriage failing, but definitely calmer and happier than I thought I'd be.
I feel like I'm starting to have those again.
I've intentionally not dated. Too much on my plate to add that to the mix. I am now starting to explore that. My thread is on the Surviving side of the forum.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Not much new to report. Still trudging along. Still days with thoughts of "I'm completely out and filing as soon as W gets more effing income" and days of "Well it's a MLC and won't last forever and we have a family."
Son (15) found out about the breast augmentation and a few details of W's illicit relationship. He got a new phone and a few screenshots of conversations and iMessages from W's phone somehow migrated over when he set it up. We all share a common Apple ID. Actually, none of it was conversation material with the AP but some from what W texted her therapist. I had to have a talk with him about, "Listen, that's still your mother and I think she's going through a tough time right now and it's complicated." He seemed pretty disgusted with her, especially since she got the implants and we're not really rolling in money. I think their relationship is definitely frayed for the time being.
Ran into one of W's friends while out today and she remarked to me, unsolicited, "So, (W) is going crazy, huh? Midlife crisis?" You can't make this stuff up. This was an old friend whom W had somewhat reconnected with a little. I said "You can tell? I thought it was just me."
I met up with an old friend for a beer last Monday and it was nice catching up. Saw another old friend at a kid school event Thursday night and talked for a while. Made some plans to get together before too long. S9 had a basketball game Friday night and did well. Took the two younger kids out yesterday and ran into two old acquaintances and talked for a while. Watched a lot of football...it was a solid weekend!
I do kind of feel a little bad for W at times. I can't remember who said it, but I read a line on here about "people who are happy don't make all these changes to their life." The last time there was a mention of W getting a better job this summer and making more money, she added something about "Well, I probably won't see a lot more money right away," making me wonder for a minute if we'll go into another school year with unresolved marital questions. I don't think either W or I will advocate for change once the kids are in their school routine. Who knows; that may well be one of those worries that never comes to pass.
Nah you can’t stop the crazy. Suchs that son received unsolicited information. It’s interesting your w is in therapy. Mine never nor does now think there was anything wrong with her. It will be interesting to see what happens once your W gets a new job. Until then focus on yourself and children. It’s all you can do.
Nah you can’t stop the crazy. Suchs that son received unsolicited information. It’s interesting your w is in therapy. Mine never nor does now think there was anything wrong with her. It will be interesting to see what happens once your W gets a new job. Until then focus on yourself and children. It’s all you can do.
To be precise, she's not currently in therapy. She was for a while, but I think it was a sham - painting me in an unflattering light to seek affirmation for waywardness. I think W went for maybe two months and then some off/on, primarily March to May-ish. She'll still randomly text the therapist, which is some of what my son saw. Like your wife, I don't think mine would admit that there's anything wrong. However, she is definitely listening to a lot of self-help books (Rewire Your Anxious Brain, etc), keeping a gratitude journal, and now meditating. So who knows.
That’s interesting. Sounds like she at least attempting to make some changes. I really wish I could explain to you how happy I am that I don’t have to deal with that bs anymore.
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