I am not abandoning the positive character traits of kindness and compassion but I need to be strong to lead and be healthy. And I’m doing all of that.
So how are you being strong and leading at this time? You spoke again about boundaries above. What are your boundaries?
L, I’m organizing and executing my home Reno and doing a great job on it together with my S and some expert friends. I’m being financially responsible including investments. I’m taking care of myself, my health, my therapy. I’m taking great care of my family and being a great dad. I’m keeping W in the loop about what she needs to know about kids stuff but keeping my cards close to my chest and not letting her have me. I’m GAL and having friends and fun. I’m not being needy or having expectations. Going elsewhere (faith, friends, community, exercise, therapy).
So IC has encouraged me to respond positively and agree when it works for me to some activities with W and with her and our family given some of our particular dynamics with some significant special needs in our kids. As I have mentioned a bit, W has been demonstrating much more desire to engage with kids, family and me. She has been proposing ideas of things for us to do together with our kids and some with her and I in social group settings. So far I have been busy, not available and not interested. I’m doing all those things (GAL, family etc) without her.
So I have agreed to a weekend away with her coming up in a social group setting with recreation and our kids will participate for some of the time on and off. I’m going in with an open mind and zero expectations. W and I have been coordinating some details. This is meant as an experiment for me to go into as a dad/ community member and have a great time followed by continuing to have a great time on my own after the weekend.
Will update you all and see how my 2x4 dodging skills are.
Rock the truth is if you go or don’t go it doesn’t change anything. If you have a special needs child then you and your W being friendly moving forward will certainly be beneficial.
My voice these days on the board is more about getting to a point where a spouse having affairs doesn’t work for the poster. Where the poster is able to drop the fear of the future and actually embrace the unknown and look forward to it.
I suspect your W has an agenda and wants to show the kids you can be friendly and be in a social setting together while all singing kumbaya.
You’ve said several times to the board in your last few posts that you have no expectations - which is good. I suspect you’re doing that so that nagging people like me don’t come along and warn you to be careful blah blah blah 🤣
If it’s what you’ve come up with during IC and you can keep a lid on everything, then go and have a great time 👍
One thing I will offer… MWD advocates NOT DOING what hasn’t worked in the past, and KEEP DOING things which are helping.
To that end, I’d say the last few weeks when you have been busy, having fun and not keen to spend much time with or talk to her (as we’ve been telling you since day 1) … it’s paying dividends. That’s why she is peering back in and wanting to spend time with you.
So always keep that on your mind - being available pushes her away, you being unavailable/busy draws her closer. For example, if you share a nice dinner and then she asks to go for a walk, tell her you need an early night. Or tell her you want to play a board game with one of your kids.
No matter how the weekend goes (good, bad or ugly), when you get back Monday morning, it’s straight back to radio silence and GAL.
If you TRULY have zero expectations, that's one thing. But is it possible you're not being 100% honest with yourself there?
W might be very happy being social and having "family time" with the kids, while not be interested in you as her H and pursing OM. It's called cake eating. Are you OK with that?
Since you joined the vets here have been recommending less interaction with her but you always seem to have a reason why not to take that approach. Ultimately it's your life and your decision.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I’m not ok with OM or W cheating. I am focusing on myself and I recognize there is some cake eating. My intention is to not promote cake eating but to have less interaction and not wait around holding my breath - move forward with the mindset this is not turning around now and might not ever.
But pay attention to what is working well for me and not put pressure or expectations on her. Do I have hopes and wants? You bet I do but there are distinctions of what is in and out of my control.
LH I hear you actually I’m not trying to nice her back and I have been giving her space and I’m not worried about that pushing her away at all. I have not figured this out but trying this hang out when it works for me to see how it goes (again for me really). Then back to GAL and not available busy
