Wishy washing ain't the word for it, he is worse than a woman. And you know what he hated it that I changed my mind so much. I used to tell him it's a woman's peragative(sp) to change her mind. You never knew what he was doing until he was actually doing it!
lisa, Thanks for the update. As long as staying married (and home) is easier than the alternative (and more enjoyable) then the results are exactly what you worked towards! Actually the process learned through D'ing is what makes the WAS most likely to have that view - I am better off home !
Yes, it is extremely difficult to be upbeat and nice when you want to tell him to 'eat sh!t and die!' LOL but the results of the former are the desired product. My H too has said 'it is difficult when you are nice', 'I like it better when you are a b!tch', etc. They will even try to pick fights and make you the bad one- makes the guilt go away I think it makes them see you for who you really are - the one they married - it is difficult to re-write history when the new memories are happy ...hmmm re-writing a better history, that works for me! It is a balance between tough love and unconditional love - knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em... The edge that the LBS has is that no one (including OP) knows S like you do ! So use that true understanding wisely!
Well, time for bed and 'snowflakes' as my little one calls cornflakes! ...good to read your posts! Faith. Hope. Love. LSL
Ecclesiastes 3 1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
LSL, I enjoyed your post to me. I am and have been working towards making H realize he made the right choice staying with me. This is no farce, I cannot go back to the way I was, that sucked. And yea, there were times I felt like telling him to eat [censored] and die too! The rewriting of history was there too, but like you say, the new memories are dominant.
Thanks for the bible verses, I got a lot of comfort and (I'm convinced) help from God and reading the bible from start to finish since this ordeal began. Lisa
I'm sorry to highjack. Could you please take a look when you get a chance at my last few posts on: Piecing Here I Come....PMA
I am trying to figure out if my love, support, space, ML, acceptance, etc.. is really helping my sitch or if I am prolonging my H from making a decision as he appears pretty comfortable with the sitch. Hmmm.... THANKS! nik
You're such a class act. One of the few solid reasons we didn't re-file for D was because staying married, even if we lived across town from each other, took away so many things that would be harmful to our own teen son who was already having a hard time because of us. I'm glad the two of you can live together and that your hard work (and it is miserably hard sometimes isn't it?) is paying off for you.
I hope you don't mind if I "repost" the post I'm replying to. I just think it's one of the best around. Crams all kinds of things into a suscint paragraph. Wish I could do that .
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Nik, I think first of all it was that my H still cared for me. He was battling within himself with wanting to be done, and still being pulled in my direction, even with all I put him through. I was a royal bitch to him at times. So when I started DB'ing, and 'acting as if' and being positive and upbeat (hard to do when you are dying inside) he was really torn, and even told me he felt guilty because I was being nice to him. I had had it with the 'old me'. I never knew how miserable I was with myself until bomb. There was something that I think helped US, some don't agree with it but we did a trial separation. I left the house to give us both space because the ups and downs of his MLC were getting to me too. I was gone for two weeks and he called me and asked me to come home. Not to get back together with me mind you, but to "get me back in my own house and back with our teenage sons". Such pride. He missed me, it was as plain as that.
I do things with him now that I didn't do before, he likes to hike and bike ride, I used to tell him to just go ahead and go. That was a mistake too. Now I go and enjoy it very much.
I don't know if I've answered your questions or not. Lisa
Tielbeagle, I remember you when I was on here so much of time last yr. Your sitch sounds so much like mine only my H moved out, (back and forth 3 times in one yr) and is currently still living away. He also has always cared for me a great deal. I took his love for granted, and we grew apart and he started an A with someone he had known for yrs. He ended the A a long time ago, but we have not fully recovered from it. The betrayal is hard to get past. I had to dig deep to find forgiveness if I ever wanted my M. The only thing for me that helped was time. Within the last two months we have been seeing each other regularly, and have been getting along better than we have in ages. I started doing things different. Instead of bringing up R talks that always end in frustration and anger, I just enjoy our time together. We have a good time, and are comfortable with one another.So much of the tension is gone. He is not worrying about what I will say or do. He is reluctant to say ILY also, but does if I tell him first. I don't say it often, but I think it's nice to hear. We also used to say it all the time to each other. I miss that easiness. He spent the night last night and for the first time this morning I said something to him about coming home. I asked him if he thought he was going to want to come home someday. He said "I think about that sometimes." I asked if he thought he might. He said "maybe." He said it in a positive tone though. I told him I wanted him to be my husband full time again. He did not say anything else so I dropped it. The waiting is hard. You wonder if things will ever be "normal" again. I think we are on the right track, but I can't get so caught up in him and us that I lose me again. It's a fine line. I'm curious as to how you handled taking care of you through all this. It's hard after we're together when he leaves. I have an emptiness feeling that I'm not sure what to do with, and anxiety about when we will be together again. I am the one that plans our get togethers. He always says yes when I ask him to do something, but I'm not sure if he'd call me if I left him alone. He's not as motivated to be together as I am. I don't know how he gets that back. I think he's really trying to find his way back to me and I wonder if there are things I should be doing to help? We're so much closer now, but still nowhere near where I want to be. We always were so in love. I know he still loves me and I'm not sure if this is the end of MLC for him or what. I know he's been going through it for almost 4 yrs now-I think the A was a direct result of it. I have taken responsibitly for my part in all of it, and changed the way I treat him. We've been married 33 yrs. in November. I was 17 and he was 18 when we married. We grew up together. There is a very strong bond here. He has never said he wants a D. At one point when I was so mad at him I told him I was done-for him to go file. He never did, and after a couple of months with practically no contact, we started seeing each other and here we are. My question is: Do I keep on doing what I'm doing,or is there something I can do to "jumpstart" him to get him to be more assertive in our R. He's very affectionate, and we are intimate often which helps I think. We've never lost that. People say I'm letting him have his cake and eat it to, but I think its much better this way than staying away from him and letting the distance build between us. Can you give me any advice from what you've been through as to something I might do that I'm not doing? I'm so very happy for you, and we need to hear these success stories so we know that there is hope! Thank-you so much for sharing, you are an inspiration to us all! Rachael
Rachael, I just became again the "girl" he fell in love with. Like you, I knew my H still loved me although he was fighting those feelings with all he had. I had an edge, as do you. He had no choice but to respond to me being nicer and more positive around him. just become his girlfriend again!! I'll post more later, H just got home. Lisa
Ok Rachael, I can write more now. You know, I just got so sick of how miserable I was. And it was my own fault I was miserable too. I just needed to hit rock bottom to realize it. And hit rock bottom I did when he dropped the bomb. I'm actually grateful now for the bomb. He used to never know what mood I'd be in when he got home. He got sick of that, finally after many years of it. Now I am positive and happy to see him all the time. Men love that!
When I started being nicer to him and treating him the way I SHOULD have (right after bomb) he told me it made him feel guilty. I got the impression he didn't want me start treating him better. I confronted him on that and said "why, does it make it harder for you to split"? He said nothing. I had my answer.
Just treat your man the way the way you always should have. I'm not saying that you were not a good wife, I haven't read your story. I wasn't a good wife. I'm better now. I'm the wife I should have been. I hate that I wasted so many years. I'm making up for them now. Good luck, Lisa
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I confronted him on that and said "why, does it make it harder for you to split"? He said nothing. I had my answer. 
Good luck, Lisa