Reflecting and considering where I am at where I have been and where I want to go. Sometimes that is putting one step in front of the other and dealing with immediate needs and concerns and I also am making progress towards short and longer term goals.
Planning to prepare well for family weekend away with W and stay on track with goals.
Yes for sure could have done it without W and I have been doing these types of things a lot. This was kind of like opening up a window after her repeated stated intentions to connect (cake eating?) and inviting her into what I have been doing.
I feel good about how it went and I’m not drawing any new conclusions for the future R. I went into the weekend peaceful and intending to have a ton of fun and I did. I was focused on managing myself and not being about W while hoping she would have a positive experience.
Our kids and I had a blast! Adventuring, laughing, playing in nature. I connected with others (men and women) well in the group and included W in a friendly way introducing her to community members. I played darts and pool with others and played with kids, etc.
W’s experience of the weekend? I dont know. Im not responsible for how she feels about it. I am responsible for my happiness and she is for hers. All I have to go on is what she says and shows (believing half of one and none of the other). I observed her engage well in the social setting with our family and others. She and I were cleaning up after a lunch and kids were out playing. She told me she is very unhappy and doesn’t know what’s to do. She said our kids dont want to be with her and she doesn’t have any friends. Maybe she will just move away she said. I listened and didn’t try to solve.
She said she was tired. I finished cleaning up and said Im meeting friends for a hike. She had a big nap i guess.
She told me she is very unhappy and doesn’t know what’s to do.
Let me make this really clear for you… What she really means is
“I feel bad because you’re trying and I’m not, but I’m still choosing to bang another guy. I’m making lots of excuses because I don’t want to take responsibility for my choices. “I’m really sad” is easier for me to face than “I’m choosing to cheat and break my vow”.”
You have two very simple choices Rockon.
1. Live the next 2, 5 or 10 years in limbo hoping she might wake up, fretting about the right words to use every day, trying to keep her happy, hanging onto tidbits of hope and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone WHO DOESN’T VALUE YOU.
2. Face the reality, rip the band-aid off, divorce her and walk away with your head held high.
You’re a good guy. Don’t you deserve someone who loves and respects you? You need some self respect mate.
1. Live the next 2, 5 or 10 years in limbo hoping she might wake up, fretting about the right words to use every day, trying to keep her happy, hanging onto tidbits of hope and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone WHO DOESN’T VALUE YOU.
Every conversation, every little thing is being scrutinized. You can't keep this up for long. Why? It's exhausting. And...your wife can tell. She can see that you are dancing around her. Any change of behavior is, admit it or not, a way to change the outcome of this whole mess you're in. It makes her trust you less. To be honest, GAL, and being detached is very hard. How do you work hard at looking like you are not working hard? It's exhausting, bro. Very few people can be that Zen. Give yourself a break.
The longer this drags on, the weaker your position becomes. You will compromise, make yourself smaller, meet her needs and then she'll walk all over you. Don't wait for her to act. Time to take control back.
Set boundaries, set ultimatums. This is hard, but, it helps avoid all the back and forth. Does she want to be married to you or not? Thus far she said she wants a separation or a divorce. Act on that. If you want something else, state it. You can say, "If you want to work on this marriage, fine, if you don't, I have some decisions to make in the next few weeks." Strength and clarity are attractive.
Originally Posted by Kind18
You’re a good guy. Don’t you deserve someone who loves and respects you? You need some self respect mate.
No truer words have ever been spoken on this board. I am sorry Rock.
