As I read through the forums on Divorce Busting, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share.
My advise, commit to personal growth. What you judge in others, you condemn in yourself. Take all the focus off of your spouse and address your own issues. How hard is it to change your own behavior? Now think how hard (almost impossible) to change someone else.
If you have kids, commit to being the best parent ever. Frequent and equal contact with both parents is important. You are responsible for your relationship with your kids. Let your spouse be responsible for their relationship with the kids. Learn new ways of parenting. Lots of great books out there. Most of the relationship skills dealing with spouse will also help in parenting.
Set goals for the future and keep taking steps to get there. Do this in all areas (SPIES - Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual.) Get in alignment (Beliefs, Thoughts, Body Language, Tones, Words, Actions) with your core values.
Try new ways of interacting. Read about boundaries and learn how to set and enforce them. Be in the present. Let go of the past and do not fear the future. Learn ways of being more attractive, especially in your behavior. Learn ways of being seductive (indirectly attracting). This is an extremely important set of skills to understand.
The best way to respond to a particular event? Initially, the best action to take is no action. Do your homework here. Do not react emotionally. Stay neutral. Seek wise council here. Evaluate all the different options and the possible outcomes of each. Challenge your current beliefs. Make a choice and live with the consequences, good or bad. Things are predictable. Read and read and read. Get mentally ahead of your spouse in the whole process ASAP, they are ahead right now.
As far as your spouse, until you have enough info to prove this wrong, assume there is another person (Hint: This is your first 180). Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception.
I wish everyone well during these difficult times. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what the WAS chooses.
I looked in his truck, and found the letter. I was snooping, and I have apologized to him for that.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
You apologized for what? Having a suspicion and finding exactly what you were looking for? PLEASE (and anyone else reading this) never ever apologize for finding proof of your suspicions! I hate when a cheater tries to turn the blame around on to a snooping spouse! That is just flat out wrong. It is never ever worse to snoop than it is to be cheating and the cause of the snooping!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
No way to polish the turd that is divorce. However, since this is your current reality, I will pass on the advice given to me here and by my lawyer and our mediator when I faced the true end of my marriage: treat it all as a business deal.
Your old marriage is a company dissolving. The two principals are dividing assets and liabilities.
Do all you can to keep a business frame of mind during the negotiation process.
Allow yourself to collapse into the emotions away from the lawyers, kids, well intentioned friends, family and even posters here, including myself. This is a very private walk you have to make by yourself.
For me, I'd already spent a lot of time during our protracted negotiation really trying to figure out what I wanted, what my core values are, and how to best express them through this process while protecting myself and my son. In hindsight, I have no regrets about taking that approach.
If any of this resonates with you, use it with my blessing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Coming from someone with extremely high anxiety, I’m telling you that detaching, following Sandy’s rules, exercising, reading self help books, stretching, meditation, meeting with my IC weekly, getting back into photography, etc. allows me to get out of bed in the morning, go to work and be the father that my kids need. None of this stuff came easy. Example: exercise, I had to make it a goal to just do 5 min so it wasn’t so overwhelming. Now I’m doing over 3 miles a day. You can do this!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have been using time and space for me. At first when I was learning about it I thought I was doing it for W giving her space and it’s true she said she wanted space so I was respecting that. But I learned from these boards the ideas of giving her more space than she is asking for and having the gift of time for me.
So I am taking big breaks from worrying about W and her behaviors and living my life instead. Not reaching out to her checking my intentions/motives before doing so if I think it’s necessary and then using less words.
And if she and I do talk or spend any time together, I am settling my nervous sure before with regulation/relaxation skills and not focusing on W unless we are speaking with each other. In that case I focus on listening and being present and not reacting.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Tagging on Cadet's posting about this is according to script. Yes, it is. Generally, they begin distancing themselves from us, then the kids, pets, home and old friends and family. If and when they begin to come to their senses and start to wake up, the reconnection will be in the exact opposite order.
They have to distance from us and the children because they don't want to feel guilty or have second thoughts about what they are doing. In crisis, they go back in time to a place where it all the hurt or lack of validation began. Once they get back to that place, their journey has begun and need to figure out the why, what if, etc. of how they feel. They need to learn that they are not at fault for what transpired back then. Childhood drama plays a huge role in all of this, but depression is the number one factor that travels with them throughout.
All you can do is be the best parent you can be for your children. Let them know that you are there to listen and encourage them. Right now, believe it or not, you are the sane parent who is their lighthouse in the storm. Keep the focus on you and your children and dig deeper for patience and understanding.
This was one of the first Mantras : "What is best for my kids is best for me". Using this as a guide for all of my decision during the storm and afterwards. For example, is talking bad about their mother good for them, no, so don't do it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have been reading up on gratitude and how it’s a learned behavior it’s not something hardwired into our bodies. Unlike negative thoughts which is something that’s hardwired into our body from our ancestries. And that gratitude relieves stress and anxiety and makes us happy. They had an exercise that a person could do called gratitude check. you could do by yourself or with someone else. I started doing it with my kids. if any of us start saying negative things someone can say gratitude check to the person and that person has to list 10 things that they are grateful for and specifics about it. It’s a fun activity. My daughter loves it and I actually feel really good after doing it. something to consider with your kids or yourself. Some things that I was grateful for yesterday was a beautiful day for a walk in the wilderness with my my dog that’s been by my side through this, my new shoes that made my feet feel so good when I was walking. My counselor that every week tells me how great I’m doing and reminds me how much I have improved, how much this forum has helped me when I don’t know what to do so I just get online and read, write/journal, receive advice from such wonderful people I’ve never met before, the nice meal I had for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants how good that food was, etc..
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Please don’t borrow trouble. Worrying why H is seeking a conversation is nonproductive. Fear breeds fear. It steals your time. It steals your present. (((Hugs)))
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
