Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Well, clearly it’s been quite some time since I have been here. I had to go look up my password, something I once had committed so fully to memory. And then my old thread had a 100 posts so I needed to start a new one. Looks like I am rusty as I posted just the link to the old thread in my first post vs. my update with it.
I have been meaning to check in here for a while. I started reading some threads in Newcomers and wow, so many of the posts/advice people are receiving is spot on. In one of those threads Bttrfly posted my thread alongside Caliguy’s and that was strange to see—like a bygone era. I read back a little bit and was just so shocked at how good the advice was that I was being given. But I also found myself laughing a lot. Man, was my ex ever nuts!
In reading back I also saw Job finally received an apology from her ex. That was nice to see. Though it looks like it took 20 or so years! Certainly it doesn’t change anything but it does offer some vindication.
I am coming up on the 8 year anniversary of my second BD! I have really limited contact with my ex. We email on things relating to the kids and (mercifully) that is it. S19 has virtually no relationship with him and to punish S (really me) ex won’t cover any non college related bills. S had surgery last year and stuck me with the whole bill. He’s a real class act.
S only comes home to my place on breaks. He did not see his father for XMAS this year nor last year. This year, ex was sending him very punitive/guilting/“I can’t believe you are going to leave your father all alone on XMAS” messages. I had s15 for the day but with S19 being an adult he expected him to run over there to spend the day with him. He does not seem to see the damage he did to their relationship. In fact he was indignant.
I encouraged s19 to take the high road, which he did; he bought him a gift and said he’d drop it off after XMAS. In true mature fashion ex then withdrew his invitation to see him altogether for that break, said he loved him and he was always welcome at his home but just not this break?!?!! Um, ok. Not sure how that makes him “always welcome.” He also did tell S19 that he barely has anyone who will spit on him if he is on fire.
One day a few months ago, ex drove S15 to an appointment only to discover I accidentally gave him the wrong info. for the appointment and they weren’t able to go despite driving there. A few hours later he emailed me and wrote tan email message to me with this endearing word he used to use if I sent him on any sort of wild goose chase of an errand. It was one of those secret words in our private language that I am sure many couples have. He wrote “four years post divorce and I am still getting (endearing word).” It really weirded me out. It felt like I had seen something that I should not have. I closed my laptop and never answered. Considering all he did to me, my kids, all our lives I am surprised that he thinks there is that kind of joking/intimacy between us. I certainly do not feel it.
I still talk to my ex sister in law who is married to his brother. On a recent visit back, ex was bragging to her and his brother about all the women he’s been sleeping with. He mentioned he slept with a woman from x foreign country?!? Not sure why that’s brag worthy. Sounds like his notches in his bed post are categorized by country. They both told him he is going to catch nasty stuff.
Last thing on him: months back in a text I mentioned to my ex mother in law that ex had been severely depressed years prior. I told her that there was a time period where he mentioned suicide. She told me that when he was a preteen she found a note under his bed where he wrote he wanted to kill himself. (She had brought in abusive men for years and my ex was physically abused. Maybe more than that?) She told me she put the note back and pretended she never saw it. That broke my heart. I was astounded that she wasn’t scared, that she wasn’t moved to seek help for him. I wondered how things could have been different if she had sought help for him in those early years of his life. Heavy stuff. She had a heavy heart about it. I listened but found I could not say it was all right. It really wasn’t.
As for me? I cannot believe my BD was so long ago. I am so thankful to be through it. I have peace and quiet and dignity back to my life. I think of this place and the people here: Job, Cadet, Bttrfly, KML, Ginger, OwnIt, DNJ and so, so many others who no longer visit here but have left their marks.
May you all find the peace you deserve.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Ha!!! My beautiful and very missed friend!!!! Welcome back!!! Just when I thought I was not really up for posting much, here you come with an update to lure me out!
Your ex - what. a. putz!!!!!
I almost spit out my coffee when you said this:
Originally Posted by Hawho
He also did tell S19 that he barely has anyone who will spit on him if he is on fire.
Can you just imagine him in his apartment, world map on the wall. Pins stuck in every country representing a woman he's slept with?
"It's the crazy-ex World Tour starring HaWho's ex!! Finally out of the dorm room and away from the Christmas decorations!"
Girrrrrl, I don't know how you lived through all that you did. You are definitely getting a gold medal from God for your patience and endurance !
you know what I'd love to hear? More about YOU, what you're doing for fun these days, how work is going, still playing pickle ball?
Your son can always send him something from the Harry and David catalog ... just saying.
How's S15 with all of this?
I know both boys will be fine because they have YOU. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
What a pleasant surprise! I was thinking about you last week and wondering how you and your sons are doing. I can't believe that your sons are just about grown up. Then again, it's been a while since your xh went on the lam.
He still doesn't get it about the damage he has created not only to the marriage, you and most importantly to your sons. Maybe he still thinks of them as young boys and not young men. Time does tend to stand still for them and if and when they wake up, they can't believe their children are all grown up, off the college and possibly even working in the real world.
I think he stills feels a bit left out, and in some ways, feels sorry for him. Especially after reading his comment about friends and no one to spit on him if he were on fire.
I hope that you are still walking and enjoying life to the fullest. You had a rough time of it when he was living in the "dorm" room and that infamous Christmas tree.
Your sons know that you are the "safe" and "reliable" one in the family who will always be there for them.
Please take care of yourself. You have so much to be proud of and most importantly, proud of the way that you have handled yourself throughout the entire ordeal.
Don't be a stranger. Please stop back by real soon.
Last edited by job; 02/28/2305:05 PM. Reason: removed my comment about my xh's recent apology
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the update. I lurk here now and again to see how others from 'my era' are doing. I'm glad your well. Glad to hear you're still taking the high road. Hope you're still enjoying pickleball.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
