I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

Still feeling really deflated at the moment. Nothing has happened to cause it I think just me and being impatient and wanting this situation to end. I’m def impatient I know. I keep thinking this limbo isn’t good but then remember MWD in her book says to celebrate the small wins and not have such big goals. I guess my big goal is H to say he wants to come home and work on our M.
I am missing sight of the smaller wins and goals right now like how much he has made progress and changed and signs of affection and wanting to be around and even just celebrating sitting and chatting over a tea or having dinner together. I keep forgetting we haven’t done that for a very long time.
I assume it’s normal to have days where you just feel blah and think nothings going to change. The joys of female emotions I suppose

[Terapin]

D you are always so insightful and offer such a good explanation regarding the toolbox and stubbornness to think further than that 😆 so I guess H has looked in his toolbox and prob thought there’s nothing there I wanna try and use let me just take my tools and run. So very true the pressure builds and builds and emotions are held on to and drowned and eventually gets too much so they run or remove themselves because it’s easier than talking.
I guess that’s the difference as a female we verbalise a lot talk a lot with girlfriends or family. It really isn’t a nice situation to be in as the spouse who has to sit back and bite your tongue and watch when you know if they just started talking and expressing their emotions this whole situation is avoidable or at least problem solving becomes alot easier


Terrapin Just WOW

I've been thinking a lot about this since my BD. I'm not much of a 'talker' to begin with, but I am really sentimental, emotional, etc. So why did I rarely show that side to my W? Fear. Not only fear of W (or anyone) thinking I"m a 'sissy', but fear of making her mad.

For instance, if something was bothering me, I'd just bury it, cause I didn't want to upset her. "I'll just deal with it" was my thought process. But after a while, those things buried start to build and build, until eventually it explodes. When W and I were in MC years ago, I liked it. Not necessarily talking about my feelings, but having that mediated forum where we could both get things off our chests.

You have literally just summed up my H. And he recently a few weeks ago expressed this in a similar way to me( all bar realising it’s all exploded because I think he’s in denial about that part)
But yes, he admits he didn’t speak up out of fear of upsetting me or making me mad so he just would deal with it. This is so spot on yet you weren’t the BD person you were the receiver 😔

In my DB and whole 180 I am being alot more of a listener and providing a safer space to give him a chance to open up and show him I won’t get mad or upset but will take everything on board. Unfortunately there is still no real attempt to express things. Maybe out of fear of my reaction. But maybe because I don’t know how to tell him I am happy to listen without going against DB and saying “hey I’m here let’s have a chat tell me your thoughts” I def don’t want to smother him, but don’t know how else to show him it’s ok to speak up

I can't really give you any 'advice', but for me communication directly correlated with other aspects in our relationship. Like, when we would have (somewhat) regular sex, when she would say or do nice things, etc, that's when I would open up more. Her meeting some of my needs/love languages would make me feel 'safe', and I could be more open and honest about things. But when we'd go months without sex, when I'd go weeks or months without so much as a 'thanks!' for doing things, that's when I would shut down. I guess I figured, 'she is stressed about work, has things going on, etc, that talking about my stuff would only make things worse'. Obviously, I'm sure doing the opposite would have been better.

That being said, it's always a two way street. If I expected sex on a night that she didn't, I would get pissed and moody the next day. This would cause her to withdraw even more.

[MA1970]

Hi Pattnee
As you know, I'm fairly new to this too. My own experience is exactly like yours. There are days / hours / minutes that I feel strong & am able to let go of the rope and there are times I'm hanging on to it like a lifeline. My head tells me to let go but I've noticed that the specific emotion of fear keeps bubbling away and pulling me into that tug .

One of the big things that helps me is taking a step back and thinking of time as my friend. I was with H for 26 years & BD was a few months ago! Theres plenty of time for R if that is what lies ahead. My inability to manage uncertainty & desire for control keeps me hooked in. I want an end date but I could well shoot myself in the foot if I push too much for that. It must be much worse for you having so much contact with your H. I am pretty much no contact at the minute. My emotions only tend to spike when H sees daughter & she feeds back. Otherwise, I can focus on me and GAL. I've had a wobble today after he had contact with D. I tend to use my small team when that happens. I just allow myself to experience the sadness. I'm grieving for my life that was. Even if we do eventually R, the relationship will never be the same again.

Like you said, try to recognise the small stuff. The big stuff is going to take much longer, especially if you're looking at the long game. You sound like you're doing everything you can at this stage so big high five on that. Keep going Pattnee

[Pattnee5]

Oh MA Thankyou for sharing your experience and phew I am not alone in having days or moments of sadness/weakness. I had a good session with my councellor this week and that was very good. Always makes me feel great. She did clarify it really hasn’t been that long and not to push for certainly as yet, rather just walk beside H. She made me realise I was quite flat on myself as I said I wasn’t really doing much just going with the flow it wasn’t until she highlighted how much work I had done on myself and things like sessions, reading online, DR book, forums. I am being way too harsh on myself but then I sat back and realised that wow I was doing a lot. And while H may not be doing as much he must be doing something to have these small changes appear.
It certainly is hard MA having H around for so much contact. It’s best explained as life as normal except no intimacy ( he still initiates hugs and kisses) and he sleeps elsewhere. I wasn’t ok with that in the early days but now I am. I have been very clear with one boundary though that for know while he “ works on his demons” as says this situation is ok however if the decision comes about that we end this M for good and he isn’t prepared to work on it, then this coming and going will stop we will go our seperate lives and ways and he will have seperate times with the children. I have made that extremely clear( moreso for me because I will need to fall out of love with his man )
Right now though this is an extremely wobbly rope I am on

I am planning to take the kids away skiing for a few days mid year. I am unsure if I should invite him

[DejaVu6]

Hi Pattnee.

I so recall all of the emotions and fears that you and MA talk about. Now being four and a half years post BD, I can tell you that I know for certain that things will get better if you GAL for yourself...regardless of what your H does. It is so, so important... I cannot stress it enough. Force yourself to get out there. Do not turn down any invitations from anyone. Fake it until you make it. Slowly, over time, you won't have to fake it anymore. I remember people telling me this and being so afraid that if I didn't have to fake it, that would mean I no longer loved my H and the life we had together will be rendered pointless or a figment of my wishful thinking. Now I know that is impossible. No one can take that away from you. You just have to look at your kids and know that is true. What was, was. What is, is. For your own sake, you need to focus on accepting that last statement and worry less about what he is doing or thinking and more about what you are doing and thinking. The rope you are hanging on to is wobbly for a reason. It's wobbly because you are the only person who is hanging onto it right now. He has dropped it and likely did so long before you noticed the wobble.

Re: inviting your H on the ski trip. Do NOT do it!! You are way past taking a mini break together and fixing things. Right now the ball is fully in your H's court. He is still enjoying most of the perks that comes with having a partner. That is not helping you. He needs to miss you. He needs to recognize what he would be losing. He can't do that when you are around him all of the time. Take your ski vacation with your kids and let him wonder what he is missing. And do not contact him when you are away. Let him think you are having too much of a good time to bother getting in touch. I know this is not what you want to do. Been there AND ignored the advice I am giving you now. Now that I am this far past BD, I cringe when I think of the times I did what I intuitively wanted to do and it did nothing but push him the other direction. Trust me. You do NOT want to be in that position.

All of it is easier said than done, I know. Trust me... it does get better. (((HUGS)))

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D
Very much appreciate your perspective that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think you are so right as much as I am letting him kind of take the lead on this he doesn’t get to miss me or us or any of that.my councellor said just walk beside him but have boundaries. I am certainly no initiating the times together but they seem to be more frequent. You are so right I won’t be inviting him skiing, I knew I shouldn’t. It’s just so strange the fact he so wants to be around us so much and is improving in himself. I think I need to stop spending time with him in order to let that rope go more permanently.

[Pattnee5]

It really is a very surreal situation to be in. It still feels like such a dream and I can’t actually believe this has even happened. I keep thinking it’s a nightmare I will wake up from eventually. What crazy fool walks away without even wanting to attempt to repair 20+ years. And 20 years of an amazing loving relationship all bar a bit of a rough trot the last 18 months or so. However we were never w serious massive fighting couple never held grudges never went to bed angry. Always so loving and fun. It is like someone flicked a switch in my H about a year back and made him enter this world of some sort of MLC state. I am actually getting sick of him constantly saying “ I’m so old, I hate my belly, I can’t wait to retire or when the kids move out and we have no expenses” I mean seriously buddy grow up and be an adult. You still have 20+ years of work in you.
I’ve stopped responding to this now. I used to always say “ you’re not old you’re being silly” now I’m just exhausted by saying it and knowing it means nothing because he keeps saying it. “ I’m so old I’m so old” Big Whoop you finally needed glasses 🙄 I was wearing glasses from the age of 3🤷🏼‍♀️!
Anyway I realise I have tried to validate that “old”statement so much these days I am sick of hearing it. I figure now I’ll try and just ignore the comments all together. Until he gets a grip on himself and gets over his whole “im getting old and my body isn’t like it was” mentality then nothing will fix him. It’s like his ego is clouding everything.
Anyway just me venting. Makes me realise how we are both on very different levels right now in our lives. I am all about fun and living life to its fullest and enjoying the moment and working hard to create an amazing life, he just wants to work and whinge about his Grey hairs 😁
( can you tell I just re-read the MLC chapter on DR) while I don’t think it’s a full blown crisis it’s def some sort of whacked out version

[SteveLW]

I am all about fun and living life to its fullest and enjoying the moment and working hard to create an amazing life,

This is great! Now give us details. What are you doing to do this?

[Pattnee5]

I am all about fun and living life to its fullest and enjoying the moment and working hard to create an amazing life,

This is great! Now give us details. What are you doing to do this?

Haha now I’m being quizzed ok here goes :
-So I’m taking the kids to a big sporting match on Mother’s Day this Sunday to watch my fav team(havent gone in a very very long time)
-next weekend we are having a girls winery tour with some friends
-I also got invited to another event same day but had to reject that one unfortunately
-I have a good friends bday early June going for drinks and karaoke
-a big charity ball for kids with cancer also mid june
-a work function dinner early July
-planning to take the kids skiing in aug
-thinking further afield to mid next year and possibly taking them to Europe for a few weeks during their school break
- once I recover from this surgery I am going to start train for a half marathon in October 🤪 I did it during covid and managed to get myself ready in 3 months, so I’m setting up a training schedule and getting that done again
- I am considering going back to social sport too( I was a big sports-a-holic right up until I had kids but would love to get back into a team sport again socially (again recovery is slow for now)

Thanks for checking in Steve 😆 These are just things already in the calendar. 🥰 there’s always last minute or pop up events that’s for sure.
I am starting to re read DR from the beginning again too.

Just because my social life may not be empty doesn’t mean we don’t get lonely at night ( incredibly Lonely) and start to think the worst of everything.

[Pattnee5]

So now should I just zip it each time he makes an “I’m so old blah blah whinged comment” instead of what I have been doing? I think I know you guys are going to say yes. Because I can see what I say doesn’t matter and the fact he keeps saying it means what I say hasn’t mattered or hasn’t helped him in anyway.
So what would you do? Just ignore the comment completely? It’s kinda fishing for validation from me of “you’re not old husband you’re so amazing and gorgeous etc blah bla” but then whatever I say just bounces right off and he drops the same comment again a few days later
(I didn’t say that btw that was just an example but I would always say “you’re not old you’re too harsh on yourself 48 isn’t even old we have another 40+ years ahead of us “ or something along those lines