I’m still so lost

[DejaVu6]

I don't think you should dismiss it because that's invalidating. You also don't want to dwell on it either. I'd probably validate his feelings and listen if he wants to tell you more but don't try to argue with him. His feelings are his feelings. You don't have to agree to make him feel like you heard him.

One pearl of wisdom that was passed onto me in the early days following BD was that when you are in doubt, do nothing. I think too often we get caught up in this idea that there is something we can say or do to change the trajectory of our partner's crisis. If I learned anything in all of this, it is that we cannot. It's not a chess game. The strategies of GAL and 180s are for us...so that when/if our spouses leave for good, we won't be devastated all over again and have to start from square one. The marriage, as you knew it, is over. You cannot get it back. All you can do is move forward, take care of yourself and your kids and if/when your H wants to reconnect later on, MAYBE you are in a place where you can do it. Or...maybe not. The future has yet to be determined.

I get the lonely feelings but I think it is important to remember that loneliness is a state of mind and there are lots of married people who are also lonely. I was one of those people. After my H left, I was desperately lonely until I realized that. One of the best things to come from this... I really like my own company now.

BTW... I think you GAL list is a great one!! You are off to a really good start!! (((HUGS)))

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D I certainly don’t argue it but when he makes passing comments of being old I always have been validating him telling him he’s not. Seems to be like bouncing off him almost like my words mean nothing. My validation means nothing so I don’t know whose validation he needs to seek.
It’s almost like if he doesn’t let go of this insecurity of himself he will never be able to move forward.
He also made a comment about wishing people would just understand him, but won’t elaborate. Wishing people would understand him and why what happened 9 years ago where I had the affair is so big for him right now.
I keep thinking g to what Steve said which is it’s rubbish to drag this up now and almost feel like he is dragging it up clutching at it and blowing it out of the water to justify what he is currently doing and almost give himself a valid reason for it. Almost like “hey well she did this 9 years ago so now I have to leave”
It’s funny in all our path so far the last 6 months since BD I have done a lot of self work and reflection on myself and my errors in our relationship and I have acknowledged them and apologised. He hasn’t once acknowledged or apologised for a single wrongdoing in our M and honestly a M is a 50/50 part and he is to blame too for his errors. But he won’t acknowledge or admit it. It’s almost like he’s saying “nope I am not to blame this is all you that I walked out and never gave you a hint of warning by bottling up all my feelings and never gave us a chance to work anything out”
It irritates me so much when I think about it it makes me mad.
I am done apologising now, I have apologised for past events I am not going to keep apologising because I am living for today and the future not something that happened in the past that I can’t do anything about anymore.

I have decided if H brings it up anymore I am just going to say “I’ve apologised for my actions years ago and you have accepted my apology. I am not prepared to keep apologising for something I have already acknowledged and something I can’t change I am not prepared to keep reliving the past and be dragged down by that, as I am living for today and the future “

I’m
Sorry for the vent I just don’t know where else to vent. The more I read about MLC or at least midlife uncertainty the more I see a lot of similarities and how they blow even the smallest of issues out to be so big such as me not “tucking the kids in every night” or “not doing as much or the laundry” ( and re write history that we apparently moved Beyond)

Argh silly

Anyway thanks D yeah my social life is filling up a bit and I’m getting out there now.
I’m much happier at work and chatty and eating properly etc

[Pattnee5]

My little “I’m not apologising anymore “ speech is thanks to Steve😁I’m keeping that in my back pocket.

[Pattnee5]

Oh boy I jinxed myself again with keeping that in my back pocket😔 and blew it.
Making dinner together just regular chatter H seemed in a happy mood, chatter turned to something a friend of ours was going through (wanting to leave spouse)and he got upset and then a bit of talk back and forward which ended up with me having to pull that out of my back pocket and saying “ I have apologised profusely for my wrongdoings and I can’t keep apologising anymore. I have also acknowledged my mistakes more recently in our marriage our marriage is 50/50 so I owned my part that I have realised ( ok I really now think I should not have said this maybe he felt like I was attacking him for not doing the same 🤷🏼‍♀️who knows he won’t speak I don’t even know what he thinks or issues are ) and apologised for these new mistakes that I have realised keep working on myself to improve them. I also said I can’t change the past and I am living for now and the future I said my sorries and I am wanting to move forward”
Well H absolutely cracked it packed up his stuff and stormed out. Wow😣 what an absolute shamozzle and not a reaction I was expecting. Maybe there was underlying stress he was masking with fake joy but wow he completely went within his shell
And stormed off over me saying I wasn’t going to keep saying sorry for the same thing( which he did say “I don’t want you to keep
Apologising”)

I feel like I shouldn’t have said a thing 😔 it was silly of me but I thought because we were talking it was ok and safe. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I blew it. I feel like he thinks I’m taking a dig at him. I still feel like he feels he has done no wrong and this is all me considering he won’t acknowledge anything or his wrongdoings the last yewr( the isolation, the excess gaming and drinking and ignoring the relationships and worse of all not speaking up when things were bad or at least wanting to try and repair anything)

So now I sit here and wallow in self hate and guilt feeling I said the wrong thing I ruined everything
I dropped the rope
And every inch of me wants to
Scurry to pick it up. 😔but I know I shouldn’t

Then I think DB crew will be telling me well done and don’t feel bad, the truth hurts etc. but man it hurts me too. I feel like I blew it. Then I think I read earlier there will be setbacks, there will be moments of madness and weakness and rubbish.
I took myself to the shower cried it out and now am on here venting so you can all tell me off 😣😔

If he was my H now and that reaction happened while living together I would be devastated, feeling like I can’t speak my truth or heart and walking on eggshells. Perspective is now starting to creep in 😞

[SteveLW]

Uh, you didn't jinx anything. Pattnee when you stand up for yourself often times the WAS gets angry. I'm going to ask you to do judging yourself based on his reaction.

It's okay for him to get upset. It's okay for him to get angry. It's okay for him to storm out. It all goes back to "you cannot nice him back to the marriage".

Now, I would have liked for you to stop after "“ I have apologised profusely for my wrongdoings and I can’t keep apologising anymore.". LBSs tend to say too much. It's a common trap. Remember, less is more. Treat him like the cashier at the store. Listen. Respond. But do not over share. Do not be the one that fired the most talking.

I'm glad you stated to him you're done apologizing. Now, live up to that statement. Starting by NOT apologizing for the exchange!

Another thing to remember. Anger. Sadness.. Even hatred on his part are all good things. It means he still cares. Probably despite not wanting to care. Those things are not nearly as bad as apathy. Of you said that above and he had blown it completely off that would have been a worse sign than him getting up and storming off.

One last thing, you interact with him way too much. You're pretty much healed up now right? Why is he still over and around so much. It's hard to be missed when you're always around him.

[Pattnee5]

Uh, you didn't jinx anything. Pattnee when you stand up for yourself often times the WAS gets angry. I'm going to ask you to do judging yourself based on his reaction.

It's okay for him to get upset. It's okay for him to get angry. It's okay for him to storm out. It all goes back to "you cannot nice him back to the marriage".

Now, I would have liked for you to stop after "“ I have apologised profusely for my wrongdoings and I can’t keep apologising anymore.". LBSs tend to say too much. It's a common trap. Remember, less is more. Treat him like the cashier at the store. Listen. Respond. But do not over share. Do not be the one that fired the most talking.

I'm glad you stated to him you're done apologizing. Now, live up to that statement. Starting by NOT apologizing for the exchange!

Another thing to remember. Anger. Sadness.. Even hatred on his part are all good things. It means he still cares. Probably despite not wanting to care. Those things are not nearly as bad as apathy. Of you said that above and he had blown it completely off that would have been a worse sign than him getting up and storming off.

One last thing, you interact with him way too much. You're pretty much healed up now right? Why is he still over and around so much. It's hard to be missed when you're always around him.

Hi Steve
Thankyou for responding. I always love your pearls of wisdom.okay got it I said too much I should have stopped. You are right there.
I didn’t even think about it like that. All those emotions anger sadness meaning he cares. I know he cares by his actions and always wanting to be around and hugging etc so I guess you are right there too.I didn’t think of it like that. And I keep reminding myself of the good exchanges and positive signs and know there is always going to be a bad exchange too. I know he isn’t ready to face emotions or anything it’s blatantly obvious and maybe I just challenged him and said something he didn’t want to hear I am unsure really. He is trying to really curb the drinking and he has mentioned it’s like an emotional fog lifting as you cut out the alcohol. I guess it was easier to walk away this evening than go down a hole of emotions.Everything is a guessing game when they don’t open up but I am no longer trying to over think his thoughts his feelings etc

I guess in regard to our interactions and how much he’s around I guess I
Am just trying to walk beside him and let him take the lead for now and he had offered to cook while I was at work. Generally he was happy when I arrived and made some funny comments and we had a laugh but it soured quick so I am unsure if something else had happened in his day that he was masking.

Anyway lesson learnt I guess. Try and get some space. I know I didn’t say anything bad. I guess they blow when they don’t like what they hear.

[Ready2Change]

LBSs tend to say too much. It's a common trap. Remember, less is more. Treat him like the cashier at the store. Listen. Respond. But do not over share. Do not be the one that fired the most talking.

These are wise words. I abbreviate this as STFU.

You interact with him way too much....It's hard to be missed when you're always around him.

Most of us are the target of blame for our spouses unhappiness. One thing that we desire is for the spouse to realize they are blaming the wrong person. Give them the gift of space to realize this.

It's okay for him to get upset. It's okay for him to get angry. It's okay for him to storm out. It all goes back to "you cannot nice him back to the marriage". Another thing to remember. Anger. Sadness.. Even hatred on his part are all good things. It means he still cares.

This is where our empathy and validations of other peoples emotional states comes in. I can be completely content while listening to others "vent". I can let them know I can relate to there emotional state by "validation" statements. "You sound angry." or "I bet that made you angry" etc. I really like the four agreements. It definitely helps me separate my emotions from others.


Keep adding tools to you tool box.


You got this.

HUGS

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou Ready.I’m still learning I suppose and have to remember to not take this personally this is all him. All his emotions and issues and I am just the one he lashes out at along the way

[MikeP]

So now should I just zip it each time he makes an “I’m so old blah blah whinged comment” instead of what I have been doing? I think I know you guys are going to say yes. Because I can see what I say doesn’t matter and the fact he keeps saying it means what I say hasn’t mattered or hasn’t helped him in anyway.
So what would you do? Just ignore the comment completely? It’s kinda fishing for validation from me of “you’re not old husband you’re so amazing and gorgeous etc blah bla” but then whatever I say just bounces right off and he drops the same comment again a few days later
(I didn’t say that btw that was just an example but I would always say “you’re not old you’re too harsh on yourself 48 isn’t even old we have another 40+ years ahead of us “ or something along those lines

I went through a “phase” where I would make a lot of negative comments about myself to W. I think maybe it’s tied to being depressed. I felt terrible about myself. I would make comments about my weight, looks, age, etc and was not looking for compliments. W would always tell me I was wrong, goofy, look good and I didn’t believe a word of it. Not sure why I was that way. I finally realized if was probably very annoying and thought no one wants to be around someone like that. Lack of confidence or self esteem maybe? I decided to stop and be more confident. Sometimes I still struggle with it. I can tell you that in my case it wasn’t about reassurance or compliments. Getting older and realizing things you can’t do anymore is hard for men to accept sometimes. Just my thoughts based on my experience. Not sure it’s helpful.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks for your perspective Mike it helps that’s for sure. I didn’t think of it like that I just assumed fishing for compliments to boost ego, but yes the self esteem and self worth is very low in H. He no longer dresses nice daily and always in sweatpants whether working from home or running errands. I always used to say pre bd that looking nice makes you feel nice.
I’m starting to use a bit of makeup again now daily, and ensuring I am wearing nicer clothes out and about ( unless I am lounging around the house is the only time sweatpants come out)
For me that made a huge difference
I will keep validating his comments whatever his reason it obviously is affecting him his age