Congratulations on your upcoming promotion to Grandma! I’m about to become first time Grandpa to twin boys in a bit over two months. Yes, it’s very exciting.
I’m sorry XH spilled the beans. Lots of couples prefer to keep their pregnancy news hush hush until after the first trimester. I’m sure son was shocked at the public announcement of their news by Dad. I feel for son.
Hope you all shake off XH’s behaviour and still have a fantastic Easter supper.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Every magical moment of life turns into anxiety!! My separation turned my life upside down.
Maybe that is how i can help on here. To show you what life becomes after Bomb!
I would encourage you to post advice too. Honestly - there aren't many vets left anymore and I feel the lack of diversity from the advice givers sometimes holds back our newcomers from progress. Again just my .02
Whether one chooses to want to separate or save a marriage - the decision that starts both journeys is the decision to save yourself first. Choosing oneself - is probably the the most newcomers struggle with... because although it opens the door to have the WAS choose them... it also opens the doors for the WAS to NOT choose them. And that is by far - the hardest risk to take.
It is a place we all get to on our own timeline - therefore it is the part of the journey we can pass on to the next generation. I personally think that the belief there is "peace" in letting go or freedom in it - is a load of garbage. It hurts like h3ll when you accept the situation. Sure - you may feel joy in GAL or ways you choose yourself - but you are also knocked around with alot of grief that your spouse didn't make that same choice at the same time. The peace isn't instantaneous nor consistent in the beginning. I don't think self help books really dive into how uncomfortable "letting go" is in the beginning.
I say that only to show that this is how I have chosen to pay it forward. To let newcomers know that it doesn't feel good to choose yourself sometimes. It's scary, painful, can cause arguments, or venom spewing - and yet... still be the right decision.
Letting go feels like sh!t before it feels good - that's my message based on my individual experience.
And perhaps you can find yours too. But don't think that because you chose to save yourself doesn't mean that what you bring to table wouldn't be pro-marriage.
In fact - it was the very message the ole guard use to say. Saving yourself is the best chance one ever has at saving their marriage.
And the newcomers need alot of guidance on what "saving yourself" actually means. Your voice can be just another "way" to do that.
Just a thought... one I hope you consider.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I came to a realisation this week- end while on the phone with my sister. ( not the one Ex told )
[ One question i had for a very long time was: why on earth have they not distanced themselves from him? Instead, i' m the one who distanced myself from them because of this.]
I called to apologize to her for not being the one to tell her . She answered : " atleast, it was a family member and not a stranger who spilled the bean.
Bingo... he is still family in their eyes. But what about me? What about the pain it causes me? What about the situation this puts me in? I became an outcast. Maybe by my own doing from distancing but i needed to... for my own health.
It has been awhile since my anxiety kicked in until last week- end. That knot in my stomach, sleepless night, lack of appetite... I force myself to not let him have these effect on me. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don' t. Last week-end, i didn' t. I will get over it, i will digest it with time.
Don' t get me wrong, it is not on a regular basis anymore. It is from time to time. (Thank God)
Maybe i needed to find a man to take Ex' s place? Then, they probably would have separate themselves from Ex.. ???? Lol. Who knows?
Last edited by DnJ; 03/03/2510:48 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
I came to a realisation this week- end while on the phone with my sister. ( not the one Ex told )
[ One question i had for a very long time was: why on earth have they not distanced themselves from him? Instead, i' m the one who distanced myself from them because of this.]
I called to apologize to her for not being the one to tell her . She answered : " atleast, it was a family member and not a stranger who spilled the bean.
Bingo... he is still family in their eyes. But what about me? What about the pain it causes me? What about the situation this puts me in? I became an outcast. Maybe by my own doing from distancing but i needed to... for my own health.
You did right by not spilling the beans. You are Mom. You get told the news in the first wave. Aunts and uncles are told on the second wave (or subsequent waves).
Regarding XH still being family and you feeling like an outcast. Talk to sister. If you want an answer, ask her “why on earth have [you] they not distanced [yourself] themselves from him?”
You might have your interpretation of their relationship incorrect. They/she may not realize your pain and struggling. Or some other scenario. Point is, opening a dialog, starting that difficult conversation, will yield benefit for you.
You may not like the answers you hear. Yet, that information will help you find your answers to “But what about me? What about the pain it causes me? What about the situation this puts me in?”.
Originally Posted by equistetobe
That knot in my stomach, sleepless night, lack of appetite... I force myself to not let him have these effect on me. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don' t.
XH doesn’t have these effects on you. You do. H is simply not that powerful!
Certainly, XH’s behaviour can trigger or initiate emotional responses within you. Yet, you can let it go, let it wash over you; or you can reinforce it. You control you. XH does not control you.
I do realize it’s difficult, and how something out of the blue can really trip one up. Thankfully this occurs seldom. And with each time, we get stronger and better armed and better prepared for the next time.
Hoping you’re having a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I’m about to become first time Grandpa to twin boys in a bit over two months. Yes, it’s very exciting.
