It hit me that this is the third Christmas I've been here and it's really the first decent holiday we've had together since the sh** hit the fan Thanksgiving of 2001 when she told me she was leaving. Been an ugly couple of years.
A lot of progress...and a lot of water under the bridge in '02 and '03. She moved out, moved back in a year ago, we moved last summer. In a lot of ways we've both mellowed and are getting along OK. But making it that last 10 yards to where we both feel like we've made it through has been tough. I guess we're both pretty good at pushing buttons and have a hard time getting over the past. But we're still here and I think we might be getting close.
You da man dude!!!!
You hoed one tough row... I remember when you thought the outlook was bleek and look at you today! You have done an outstanding job. Great insight... Keep workin on it my friend.
It's so good to hear you speak about your W and M with so much hope. You see? We always said you had a way with that patience stuff. It sounds like it may be paying off. That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you!
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm honored.
Try not to work too hard today (cough cough). You know that heart condition can't handle too much stress.
Take care my friend. Hugs!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Sounds like both of you are enjoying the holidays. Far cry from a couple of years ago huh?
"So much hope"??? Mal, I guess I didn't look at it that way. I thought the prognosis was more like "guarded". Whatever that means...but then, I've always been somewhat pessimistic. Lord knows I'm still pretty frustrated with where we are now versus where I think we could be.
I keep wanting it to be great...but it's not there yet and I still wonder if it will ever be that. It is getting better though. My rollercoaster h#ll is pretty much over. Went through that for the last couple of years. Now we are coasting in but it remains to be seen if we'll exit from the same side of the car when we reach the platform.
W seems to be doing really well. She's looking for a job, had her third interview with one place and will probably get hired shortly after the holidays. She seems to like this area, likes being closer to her family, and has lost that haunted look she's been wearing for the past three years. If nothing else, that makes it all worth it. It was really scary there for a while.
I guess you are right about that patience stuff. Looking back, I pretty much think that's the only part of this I did OK with. Definitely haven't been the best DBer out there. Just had staying power. No matter how many times I screwed up...just tried again. In my case, maybe that will be enough. We'll see.
The piecing part is hard though. Dealing with everything that happened, trying to build the trust back up, working through some of my own resentments of what happened. I'm just now realizing how much I pushed to the back burner when she was so obviously mixed up. It's more difficult now that the crisis seems to have passed.
I want it "fixed" now. I'm tired of "working" on it. There always seems to be another hurdle. One more thing she still has to deal with before we can be OK.
We go back to the C tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to that. It's been about 3 months of sessions now. W talks about how much better things are going and I seem to focus more on what's not happening. Last time, the C told me I'm not being fair and not being supportive. That ticked me off. I'm no saint and I'm not looking for an award or anything, but for someone who didn't witness the things that went on in our lives to tell me I haven't done enough really set me off. But, like Ellie said, it doesn't do a lot of good to focus on my list of complaints so I'm working on trying to be more upbeat.
I just get tired of it sometimes and have trouble shaking the feeling that I'm the only one compromising here.
But the sun still comes up and I manage to muddle through most days. Sooner or later I'll figure this stuff out...or not. I still have my friend Jack and there are several good cigar shops in this town.....life ain't too bad right now.
OK, enough rambling. Y'all be good and have a Happy New Year!
Quote: The piecing part is hard though. Dealing with everything that happened, trying to build the trust back up, working through some of my own resentments of what happened. I'm just now realizing how much I pushed to the back burner when she was so obviously mixed up. It's more difficult now that the crisis seems to have passed.
Oh, sweetie, haven't we been there! You put aside so many of your own needs in this process, then in Piecing you would really like to have it all made up to you at once! I must say, my h has been pretty good about this, but it still takes a very long time before you feel like YOUR needs have been met. They will, though - patience.
Also - review the Five Love Languages - have you read or discussed this one with your wife? Could be she IS saying ILY to you right now but you aren't hearing her because she's still using the wrong LL.
Could you go to counselling tomorrow with a goal to say 2 things? ! - something you really appreciate and value about your wife, something that will make her feel good about herself. And 2 - some specific action you would like from her in order for you to feel more loved by her. ("I really like it when you .... " whatever your LL's are).
Have you ever figured out her (receiving) LL's and your (receiving) LL's??
Also - as far as those counselling sessions go - I hope they are not taking the place of a weekly date? After my unhappy experience with marriage counselling, I'm convinced we would have done much better if we'd spent that time doing something really fun once a week! Not suggesting you drop the C - just don't let it substitute for a REAL date nite once a week.
Funny, W just called and said she wanted to cancel the C tomorrow and put it off until next week. Said she didn't want to get into it this week. Her sister is still here visiting and I can't say as I blame her.
We've talked about the book and I think you are right to an extent. But she is totally not interested in doing anything she doesn't want to right now. True or not, she feels like I've dictated what happens in this marriage since we started and she sees it as "sticking up for herself." As far as reading the book, I've offered it to her but she is not interested.
I think she's big on affirmation and gifts, and I think I've worked hard at meeting her needs, just that sometimes it never seems like it's enough. Like I said, always seems like there is one more thing I have to do, or she has to do before we can get past our current state.
Christmas was pretty good. W got me a lot of gifts that are nice, but not really anything I couldn't live without. Gift-giving is her thing, I don't really get excited about stuff like that though.
But I thought I did pretty good in that department too this year. She seemed to like all the things I got her, but in the course of Christmas day and the day after, she managed to point out three things she had asked for that I hadn't gotten her. That kind of bummed me out, even though I'm sure she didn't even realize she had done it. Especially since her birthday is two weeks after Christmas and two of those things were something I had planned to give her then. Not like I had ignored them, but now, she'll get those gifts and think I had forgotten what she wanted until she reminded me.
Don't worry about the C taking the place of a date, we go out quite a bit. Especially to dinner or shopping (she likes shopping). I do tell her what I appreciate about her and also what I want. She's just not receptive to it. Not sure if she's just not receptive "yet" or just not receptive "period".
And that's kind of where I get stuck. You don't see steady progress, at least I don't, more of a spurt and a plateau that stretches on for miles. I keep getting the feeling that we've topped out...but maybe I'm wrong...or maybe the air is just so thin up here, I'm getting tired of climbing for the summit.
Hey, nice analogy , with that I think I'll sign off for now.
Reading that last post made me think of that movie "The Air Up There" with Kevin Bacon. Did you ever see that? You probably wouldn't have liked it. Probably too much mush or deep messages for your taste.
I just noticed that here in Piecing, you face some of the same problems we do over in Surviving. So much of the past that we can't leave behind. Trying to move forward, but the skeletons pulling us back. Trying to rebuild, but so many trust issues. Figuring out where you fit, and who you are along the way. Things like that.
I guess what I'm saying is that in your M, or out of it, you're going to have to face many of the same issues.
You'd think that if you stayed together, it would be easier than a D. WRONG. It's a lot of work.
You'd think that getting a D would allow you to put the past behind you, give you a fresh start, give you freedom and something better. WRONG. There's so much of the old, and the M that you take with you - things you cannot escape.
Either way, it's work, and it pretty much stinks. But, you can make it through this. You know that.
So, chin up, keep using that "staying power", and brush off some of those DB skills. It sounds like you're still doing well.
I'm done rambling now. (Hey, at least I didn't make a list this time.)
P.S. Yes this holiday season is a heck of a lot better than where we were 2 years ago, and it will only get better from here. 2 years? WOW. Seems like just yesterday, yet seems like so long ago at the same time. Does that make sense?
Take care Big Guy.
Have a Happy New Year! It gets better every year!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Thanks for stopping by. Yep, it is a lot better, and you might be right about the work. Not really afraid of that, just work that doesn't lead anywhere... Anyway, don't need to get into that.
I did see that movie "the Air Up There" but don't remember a lot of mush or deep meaning...LOL, it's about a guy looking for a 7' tall African bushman he can make into a college basketball player! How deep is that?
Sometimes, it's easier if you just watch something for fun. Searching for hidden meaning is tiresome and often disappointing. But then again, I've always been pretty shallow.
LOL, typcial reply from my "not so deep" friend. I should have known.
BTW, your work has led somewhere. Maybe not on your timeline, but somewhere nonetheless. Flashback to Summer of 2003, and then now? Yep, big BIG difference, don't you think?
If you need any help trying to figure out how far you've come, let me know. But it shouldn't be too hard, even for someone as shallow as you.
Seriously though. I know it's a slow road, but you are making progress. Only you can say when you've had enough, but I think you're a long way from ever saying that. Remember what we used to say? It takes so much longer than you ever thought it could? And that when you "start" the Piecing phase, the hardest parts are in front of you still?
This isn't going to be easy. You knew that.
I know you've got that strength, and you've definitely demonstrated that "staying power" to see it through.
Hang in there!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
and I manage to muddle through most days. Sooner or later I'll figure this stuff out...or not. I still have my friend Jack and there are several good cigar shops in this town.....life ain't too bad right now.