Trying to piece at last

[hurtingbad]

hey all moving over here from newcomers as I am now piecing or trying lol

My H deceided that we can give the R one more chance and this is the last chance so we have to make it work lol.


Soooo...

We are gonna take it real slow. He is gonna stay living with his mam and continue to keep visiting over here like he used to. Which to me seems real easy he has been doing it for ages now. I suggested that we work on building ourselves up as a family first then work on the M. So where I would normally go and do things with the kids ie walking and swimming on my own he is gonna come with us and see how much fun it can be.

I am still a bit (I dont know what the word is to describe it) but he is still saying he dont love me but am using the number one rule on that one. And I understand that we have tried before and failed but as I explained in our big talk we never really tried when we tried he moved back in things stayed the same nobody changed and nothing changed just pushing us furthere apart. This time it can work because I have changed beyond belief and have promised myself that I will never turn back into that nasty horrid person I was. I know that the things i used to do to him was what made him leave and I totally understand now why he did. I said to him that him walking out was the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me the worst because I lost him and the best because it felt like someone had whacked me across the face with a cold wet fish (or noodles lol) and said to me look what you have done. Look what you have done to the best thing that happened in your life and look what you have done to your kids. He said he understood all this and is willing to give the new me a try but what if it doesnt work. I said to him if it doesnt work it doesnt work I believe I am A much stronger person now and I dont need him like I used to I just want him lol. I explained if it didnt work out then we could go back to how we have been good friends for the kids sake. he was like ok then lets try. YAY So we have decided to give it a go until the end of the hols which is 3 months away and see how we feel then and if we feel it is getting somewhere we will carry on but if he till feels nothing has changed then we will part but amicably. I honestly truely feel that this can work though because the old me is totally gone and it was everything that i did as the old me that made him leave and if them obstacles are not there now theres nothing to say it wont work.

So there ya go what you all think
ps feel free to give me the full whack if you think this is wrong
I need to know what you all think of the sitch and whether it can work and what i gotta do while trying to make it work

Hugs HB

[limbo]

I don't have words of wisdom for you, I am piecing myself and not all that well!

But just wanted to say you have a great attitude, and wish you nothing but luck and happiness!!

(((((hurtingbad)))))

[runningoutoftime]

HB,

I think the best thing you can do is just keep working on yourself. Read relationship books and strive towards being a more patient, loving and accepting person. Try to learn what your husband's needs are (which is often what most men need) and work towards providing those. Also, try to be a good listener and friend to him. Work on appearance, attitude, etc... as if you were a single woman!!!! (believe me, I've been around divorced woman, and almost was one myself... most of them put 100% in being hot looking and attractive in personality, so that's where all of us need to be... but better! Independent self-assured, happy, enjoying our lives, etc...).

Also, relax and continue to give him the space to think about things. Focus on the kids too, and doing fun things with them with, and without, your husband. Try to enjoy life more regardless of where he is. Keep up the PMA.

And don't have any expectations. Even if we know our marriages could work, we can't force our husband's into realizing it and wanting to stay. They have to mentally make it there, and all we can do is try to make the marriage and family a great place to be. But don't do it just for him, do it for you and your kids. There may be a new you, but HE may still need to make some changes and that's not anything you can tell him to do, or change in him.

[RedHeadWife]

I have to agree w/ Running! Please, please don't push H into jumping right back in and expecting him to be 100% right away. Just continue to love him patiently, but no R talk, no expectations and he will come around. Just be happy, play w/ the kids, etc. Also, do things for you & H, rent movies (comedies) & stay up after kids go to bed. TALK to him about his day, his interests. Be that woman he wouldn't want to give up! The old "I don't love you that way" thing was a long time in coming (in my sitch too!) so it will take H time to get that back.

[hurtingbad]

Yeah I did realise that this was not gonna be easy. The first day I had the same old expectations and none happened and i sat myself down and said look if he dont feel it yet he is not gonna be able to do this this and this just be patient.

So I know you are all right and am gonna be patient (the hardest part for me lol) and just build up myself to the person I wanna be> I am still looking after myself going to the gym tanning etc planning a few nights out twith the girls and am also working on my relationship with the kids we are doing things together things that we have never done in the past we were never a real family time family but me and the girls are now we go all over and do things together and have invited H to take part in some of these outings so as to make sure he doesnt feel excluded.

Hugs HB

[runningoutoftime]

Your situation may be different from mine, but here is what I went through and I'll share with you what I wish I had known and done.

Two years ago my husband was unhappy in our marriage. He said there were too many problems, it would never change, and he wanted a divorce, We also separated a few times in the years before that (he'd always leave or move downstairs)... but I convinced him to try one more time and he told me he'd give the marriage a six month trial.

At that time I promised to change, work on the marriage and make it the "best years" ever. I worked very hard to be completely perfect (for him and the marriage. I was like a Stepford Wife!!!!). The six months turned into a year and after about 8 months he met OW and filed for divorce.

So... what do I wish I would have done differently or known? Well... I think that even if I did change and do everything "right" and try to be perfect for him that it may not make a difference (and it didn't!). That I really needed to be a better person for ME. And have a great family for my kids and my self. That I should be his friend but not lose myself in it. That perhaps I should have learned to detach earlier and stopped having expectations of him and let him go... because holding on didn't stop what was going to happen and probably needed to happen. For my husband he had to lose what he had in order to appreciate it. Six months after filing he asked to stop the divorce. He told me he learned a lot during that time and became a different person.

That might not have happened. He might not have changed or he might have decided he liked being single. In the end I learned that it's not 100% on me to fix things. All I can do is my best. I can't always be the glue that holds things together. But I can do things that make me feel good about me and love myself and try to be a good parent for my kids... and try to have a great family regardless of who is in it.

[hurtingbad]

Well I'm here again just a quick update. Its been 3 days since the trying talk and things are going steady very slow but steady. H didnt come over Monday but had already stated I didnt want him to think he had to be here every day Hell that would be just like him coming straight home. Didnt expect to see him last night cos footy was on but over he came which made me feel a touch glad AND he didnt even ask to watch the footy at my house lol I asked if he would like to watch it and he said if your not watching anything!!! We sat and watched a bit of tv the kids were around so we played it cool. Just talking and stuff. When he went at the end of the night he kissed me!!!!!! bearing in mind it was only a peck but its better than what I was getting lol and i got a hug too. I am trying not to hold out too much hope on the expectations and am keeping real cool about the physical things (dont want to rush him and make him think OMG too much too soon)

I dont know wethere he understands that I understand that he is not going to be able to jump back in to be like we used to be as a couple but dont want to press that onto him either and just not acting like we are a full blown couple if ya know what I mean.

But taking it slowly is obviously the best way and as long as it takes I am gonna do my best


Hugs HB

[stillme]

I'm happy for you, H, and will be checking in on you!
j.

PS, for all her new friends here in Piecing, this woman is no longer HurtingBad. We all just call her H now!

[hurtingbad]

Hi still thanks for popping over hun:-)

well last night H came to babysit for me while I went to an Anne Summers party on way i asked him he wanted to go halves on a new play thing (he obviously was NOT amused lol) So I went to the party had fun and H came and picked me up cos when I went he said when you are ready call me I'll pick you up lol. The party was in his sisters which is not even a 5 minutes walk away from my house lol. But still showes he cares lol.

Got back home he gave the kids a kiss and gave me one on the doorstep too it wasnt a full kiss but it also wasnt the peck i got half on the lips half on the cheek the night before!!! baby steps???

[RedHeadWife]

YES, baby steps, girl. Read my last thread I just started --- PATIENCE is the key!!!!