Feel this is where I should be.

[Lost_for_now]

Hello all,

I have bounced around a couple forums and feel that at present this is the place I need to be. I have found recently that my wife is seeing someone else. Everyone that is here has experienced the feelings that I have been going through.

A brief recap of my situation, pasted from "Surviving" where I had originally gone after Newcomers. I came here because even though I feel I am on the expressway to D I am not there yet.

Anyway, my situation:


The details of my story can be found in the links in my signature for those that are interested. Briefly, my WAW up and left in mid-October and moved into an apartment. That was the first bomb dropped, and probably hit me the hardest. I have since done much in the way of GAL and I tried to DB my butt off. At several points I truly believed things were changing for her but I was disappointed at every turn.

Through what I call this personal growth period I figured out that following our marriage I sank into a pretty severe depression. I retreated from my W and my marriage. As an aside, my W and I were married in August '05 so the walls came tumbling down fast for us. I was pulling away from my W so much that she really felt alone in the marriage. After several months of this she had had enough and left. I would guess it was a period of 6 months or so that I was at my worst. Add to that the fact that she wanted kids and I (at that time) did not and you get where I am now. She had denied from the very start that there was an OM but I always felt there was in my gut.

Long story short, I found out yesterday that she is seeing someone. No surprise, but man it still was a punch to the gut. I always felt that if I just knew if there was an OM it would make me feel better. See, I needed a reason that all this was happening to me and what I had been given just wasn't adequate. But with an OM in the picture it would answer so many questions. Be careful what you wish for I guess. Now I can't stop thinking about my wife with another man. It's awful.

Upon learning of this new man I asked her who else knew and she toldme no one. I told her that was going to change. Not my finest DB moment but I emailed her mother and let her know what was going on. We have a good relationship and my W's mom and dad have been as baffled by my W's behavior as I have. I told them because they actually suspected it was a possibility as well but dismissed it with 'she wouldn't do that'

Well guess what, she did. Now my wife is claiming that it was 'just one date, only went out for coffee, didn't even kiss him!' But hoe do I believe a sigle word that comes from her mouth? I don't. Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do, right?

Fact is, I believe that if that really was their first date then he wasn't the first guy she's dated since our problems started. Of course up until the latest bomb she had been very adamant about remaining friends throughout this. She realizes now that that is impossible. I now understand that it was only to soothe her own guilt. If we are still friends, then I am okay and she didn't hurt me. Crazy way of thinking...

Anyway, as of now she has informed me that we will have no more communication and she will not be answering any more of my questions because all I ever do is take what she says and throw it back in her face and she's not falling into that trap again. All her words, not mine.

She goes to Vegas for this whole upcoming week for work and she has informed me that when she gets back from Vegas she will be getting our carpets cleaned as well as some of the walls repainted so as to get the house ready to sell. Oh, and she will also immediately be filing for divorce. Another nice punch to the gut for me.

So here I sit waiting to get served.

[Lost_for_now]

My W is out of town on business until Saturday. I went against all better judgement and sent her an email last night. I have been sort of sending her these 'journaling' emails and they really help me. Sometimes she replies, sometimes not. Doesn't matter; they are for me and my growth. I do not argue, I do not beg and plead. I just really am getting things down on 'paper' that are in my head.

Now that I know there is OM I have trouble thinking about anything else when I think of her. Like, she gets home on Saturday night and I'm thinking that she probably can't wait to get home so that she can see him. Or, she probably calls him several times a day right now because she wants to talk to him. That used to be me that served that role. Luckily, I didn't write any of this stuff in the email I sent to her.

I fear my detachment process will be slow. If I do not see her for several days I feel great! I am able to push it out of my mind and really enjoy life. The next time I see her though, it takes my right back to square one. Ruins all of my progress. It is because of this that I am almost looking forward to the D? Does that make any sense?

[Lost_for_now]

It isn't that I didn't know this was coming but it still hurts. That is, unless I am overreacting. As I have said, my W has been living in an apartment for six months now.

Through our earlier correspondence I told her that I would probably end up renting a place after the house is sold. Apparently she needs to be out of her current apartment by june. She informed me that she would either be moving back in with her parents or moving into an apartment with 'a friend' as she put it. Now, I know all of her friends so the fact that she didn't name this friend is shady. Can she really be moving in with OM? According to HER, they have only 'been on one date' so something isn't adding up.

So anyway, she tells me that she has this idea that we should sell the house by owner to try to save money. Well, I cannot afford to carry both the hous and apartment financially. I am not leaving the house until it sells. Why should I, it's my house!

I know that there was already only the slimmest of chances that she would come back to me, but this is just more proof that she is done.

I was having a great day, I hadn't heard anything from her since Monday and I think it was really to my benefit. I felt better and more optimistic about my future. I was going to the gym every day and really doing much better. Then BANG, one tiny email from her and I feel like I am back at square one. Thank goodness I haven't called her, that would be a disaster

I think a lot of us here fall victim to seeing a lot of reactions from our spouses as positive steps or 'baby steps' or whatever when in fact they are nothing of the kind. Speaking for myself, I think every move that I thought was positive was just her trying to be nice in order to 'help me' through this. It is the same idea as them wanting to remain 'friends' I think.

I guess I am just looking for a kick in the pants here. I need to NOT allow what she does control the way I feel. Only I can control that. It just stinks because she gets back in town this weekend and so next week she will push for the sale of the house and she will also file for divorce.

ONE positive thing I have learned from being apart from her is that I am able to get better. Like I said, if we don't have any contact at all for several days I actually start to hurt less. Of course, it's been 6 months now since she moved out so maybe I should be at that point.

Any input would be appreciated.

[still hoping]

I went against all better judgement and sent her an email last night. I have been sort of sending her these 'journaling' emails and they really help me. Sometimes she replies, sometimes not. Doesn't matter; they are for me and my growth. I do not argue, I do not beg and plead. I just really am getting things down on 'paper' that are in my head.

Journaling is great. I write letters to my H that I never give to him. I express my thoughts on this site just to get them out of my head and reread them to see how crazy they sound. I think you should continue to journal, but I think you should ABSOLUTLEY STOP sharing your journals with her! Like you said, they are for YOU and your growth. I don't think you are accomplishing anything by having her read them too. Even if you are writing about how much you've changed, etc., it's useless unless she sees it in your actions.

I think a lot of us here fall victim to seeing a lot of reactions from our spouses as positive steps or 'baby steps' or whatever when in fact they are nothing of the kind. Speaking for myself, I think every move that I thought was positive was just her trying to be nice in order to 'help me' through this. It is the same idea as them wanting to remain 'friends' I think.

I do the same. It's overanalyzing the situation. I think it was OSU who told me to just take those "positive steps" for what they are and NOTHING MORE. Need to really work on this myself, so not really allowed to bash you on this subject.

Hang in there - it's not over yet. If you want someone to read what's in your head, put it down here on this site - not in an email to her!

[Lost_for_now]

Journaling is great. I write letters to my H that I never give to him. I express my thoughts on this site just to get them out of my head and reread them to see how crazy they sound. I think you should continue to journal, but I think you should ABSOLUTLEY STOP sharing your journals with her! Like you said, they are for YOU and your growth. I don't think you are accomplishing anything by having her read them too. Even if you are writing about how much you've changed, etc., it's useless unless she sees it in your actions.

Hang in there - it's not over yet. If you want someone to read what's in your head, put it down here on this site - not in an email to her!

Still hoping,

First, thank you so much for replying to my thread, I appreciate it!

Second, you are absolutely correct. In fact, in one of the emails I sent my W I realized the same thing and said that I really need to buy a journal for myself. The additional nice thing about the hard-copy journal is that it's easy to just flip back and see the progress you have made over time. Okay, it's decided. I will go out and buy my own journal and stop sending her emails.

I think that a part of me that I wasn't acknowledging still saw those emails as a way to try to 'win' her back. No more of that.

Oh, and feel free to bash me as you see fit! No one here is perfect, so if bashing were only allowed from people who never made the mistakes it'd be a lonely place indeed! I thank you for correcting my course.

[Lost_for_now]

One other thing about journaling via email and sending it to her. She said on one of her replies that she reads them and likes to keep up on how I'm doing. So that's just another reason (as if I needed another one) to quit. She shouldn't get to keep tabs on me. Maybe that's being bitter, but that's how I feel.

I often wonder, if I was in her position how would I handle it? Impossible to answer, since I simply would never cheat on someone. Especially not a spouse!

But even if we move this into the 'hypothetical' realm I would never string it out. If I was 'not thinking clearly' (as most here believe their spouses are not) then I would move full steam ahead! I would walk up to the spouse, say "listen, I am going to start seeing someone else. I am moving out, and I am filing for divorce as soon as possible."

That's it. Clean break. Maybe that's just unrealistic. But if it is, then how should it be done? It's never going to be easy, and the LBS is always going to be hurt, so what to do? Sometimes I think "well, if she is really and truly unhappy and she just doesn't want to be unhappy anymore then maybe I should just let her go?"

Another thing I thought of is that we have no children. That means that after the D is final I will have no need for contact with her. It'll be great for DB and GAL, but it isn't what I want. I want her back, and I won't get it if there's no reason for her to contact me anymore. She will simply move on with her life (with OM) and I will eventually do the same.

One of the times we emailed recently she mentioned something about getting an annulment. She only brought it up because I am Catholic and my mom made her feel guilty (W's words) about the fact that the church doesn't look very kindly on divorce. So apparently if we both agree that there were expectations on children before the marriage and I changed my mind on having/raising them then we can get the M annuled. I said to her that even if that was legally true I would never agree to that because it simply isn't true! Through the limited amount of DB'ing and GAL that I have been doing one of the biggest things to come out of it is that I really want kids!

She replied that that wasn't the case before and even though I say it now she has no way of knowing if it is true. That's when something else occurred to me. She may very well not CARE if I want kids now or not! She's already (presumably) with OM, so whether I want kids anymore is irrelevant. But, she might SAY that she cannot trust that it is true to validate what she is doing (in her own mind).

Yes, I know I am overanalyzing here. But this is just journaling really and better I say it here than to her!

[Lost_for_now]

Another thing I just thought of...if part of the healing process is to stop all contact with the spouse, how is it handled if they contact you? And do you listen to them if they're trying to tell you what's been going on in their lives or work or whatever? Or do you just tell them that what they're doing doesn't interest you anymore?

Just wondering because I think it would hurt me to just listen to my W tell me about her life (especially if it's stuff like how happy she is). I'd just rather say I have somewhere else to be and leave.

So the question is, what if this is part of their wanting to reconnect on some level with you? How do you know the difference?

NO, this is not what I think is happening in my situation, but how would I know if it is?

[still hoping]

To this I'd have to say that if you do truly love your W and want to be with her, wouldn't you want her to be happy??? And wouldn't you want to share in her happiness? I would definitely listen to what she has to say if you're trying to get her back. If you're not interested, why do you want to be with her? (Or am I misunderstanding and do you mean when S talks about OP?) If your W wants to reconnect and you're trying to save your M, I would jump at the chance - ALTHOUGH don't make it so obvious. You can seem interested by asking questions, but not overly interested. Like someone else said, when S gives an inch, don't take a mile. If you want to p*ss her off, then go ahead and tell her you're not interested (not recommended).

Again, this is a sitch that I'm also dealing with. My H recently seems to be talking more to me about his work, which has become his life (I think because of money issues and people involved, he can't talk to OW about it because she hasn't met the people he's talking about and maybe he doesn't know if he can trust her yet talking about how much money he makes/will potentially make). The difference between you and me, I guess, is that I am interested in how his work is going and how well he is doing. I want him to succeed in his new ventures and if him telling me about it makes him feel good, then that's fine with me, even though I can't really share in his happiness because of our sitch. But because I know I wasn't supportive enough regarding his career in the past, I am showing him that I have changed by being supportive of him now. And I can only hope that it will help us to reconnect, because it's better than having no contact and who knows where it could lead.

Hope that helps you with your question.

[Lost_for_now]

To this I'd have to say that if you do truly love your W and want to be with her, wouldn't you want her to be happy??? And wouldn't you want to share in her happiness? I would definitely listen to what she has to say if you're trying to get her back. If you're not interested, why do you want to be with her? (Or am I misunderstanding and do you mean when S talks about OP?) If your W wants to reconnect and you're trying to save your M, I would jump at the chance - ALTHOUGH don't make it so obvious. You can seem interested by asking questions, but not overly interested. Like someone else said, when S gives an inch, don't take a mile. If you want to p*ss her off, then go ahead and tell her you're not interested (not recommended).

I think I did a lousy job explaining what is in my head. What I mean to say is, I would love for her to tell me things, and I am genuinely interested in what makes her happy and how her job is going etc. I would love for her to tell me that!

However, I would NOT love it if I was only hearing it because she thought she was 'being friendly' or something like that. In other words, I think I would fall into the trap of assigning too much importance on it because it's what I want so much.

So, the same thing might apply in your situation too. You mentioned that your H cannot talk to OW about certain things like his job. So then your task becomes not reading too much into what he is doing right?

I guess what I'm really saying is, how do you really separate being happy for them from wanting to be with them again?

Thanks again for replying to me!

[still hoping]

Ah, I see your point.

I guess the answer would be: DETACH

I know, I know - easier said than done. But again, like I said, maybe their initiating "being friendly" could lead to a real friendship again. When we first S, my H said that what he wanted was for us to be friends again because we had lost that in our M. So who knows - maybe if you could get that friendship back, it could lead to other things. You've got nothing to lose.