Feel this is where I should be.

[theoden]

Lost,

I'm sorry. It must hurt like hell.

Here's what I think.

1. Find your mission in life.

2. Totally get a life.

3. Become passionate.

Those things will help you detach and move on.

Also they'll make you more interesting and attractive if she ever wakes up.

Don't sweat how and when you interact. It'll happen.

I suggest stop emailing her your journal. It's a non-stop barrage of your inmost thoughts. It will reveal your desperation and misery. It's as if you were chasing her and following her. How can she miss you if you pour our your thoughts to her in these tomes of neurosis? That's not sexy or attractive.

--Theoden

[Lost_for_now]

Theoden,

Thank you for replying. One thing is for sure. If those that come here learn nothing else, they learn this: STOP PURSUING!

Easy to say but so hard to do. The last email I sent my W was on Thursday and I have had no contact since then. She has not replied to my email nor has she called me. Just as well I think; I don't think I'm ready for that at the moment. It's funny, not that long ago there wasn't a person on the planet that I felt more comfortable around. Now when I see her it's like it is like a first date.

She was scheduled to return from her business trip. I assume she is home but as I said I haven't heard from her. I think an email saying she was home safe is the least she could do, but I guess not. I am sure she is much too busy with OM tonight. After all, they haven't seen each other in almost a week. Makes me ill to think about.

I know I am getting better because I actually eat now. Through this ordeal I have dropped 30 pounds. I am not complaining, but it isn't a diet I would recommend to anyone.

I had a pretty good day today. Went to the mall, which is something I had been putting off for a while. I got a new job that starts on May 1st and I needed new clothes. At one time I was going to ask her if she would go with me and help me pick them out. I laugh at that idea now. I don't want to even see her anymore. She doesn't wear her ring anymore, but I still do. I choose not to let her adultery affect what I think is right. I will wear my ring until the divorce is final. Only then will it come off.

Oh, before I started shopping I went and saw the movie 300. Great movie,glad I caught it in the theater.

So I bought a lot of new clothes, all by myself. I hate shopping, especially for clothes so it was an accomplishment. And as I was walking out of the mall I passed a stationary/card store. Felt like it was no coincidence. I walked past it, then stopped and went back. Inside, I found what I needed -- my very own journal. It is sitting next to me right now, and I am excited to make my first entry.

Knowing that she is with OM right now and being completely powerless is maybe the most pain I have ever had to endure. I am the farthest possible thing from her mind right now, and that hurts too. She got off her plane today and couldn't wait to see HIM.

I thought about something else today that made me sad. All the people who 'stand' for their marriage and eventually end up reconciling, I wondered whether I would feel as though I was her consolation prize. Like, she really wanted it to work out with OM but for whatever reason it didn'tan but it's okay because I can always fall back on good ol' H. I think I would feel like a sucker. One last thought on this. I think it must empower (not sure on that spelling!) The WAS to know that they can always just return to the LBS if things don't work out for them the way they'd like. If it was me I would think, "heck, I am going to try dating a few people! I mean why not? If it doesn't work out I can always go beck to LBS!"

It seems like it has to be part of their thought process, ESPECIALLY if the LBS is telling them that they are going to stand for their marriage.

Okay, this is certainly enough for today plus I want to break the seal on my new journal!!

Thanks once again for being my refuge.

[Lost_for_now]

Another day, and I don't think this one will be a good one. I may have to see my W today as she is supposed to be coming over to pick up the tax stuff. Been around 10 days since I have seen her and I was feeling okay with things until today. Every time that I know I will have to see her it sends me straight back down.

I guess we'll see how the interaction goes, I have very very low hopes. I am still deciding between putting on the happy face and acting like I'm fine or just acting how I feel.

This divorce needs to get done. She is supposed to be filing this week, though I really don't know why we aren't going the mediator route since we have already talked about the settlement and agree on how things will get split. Seems that we could save money if we used a mediator then. Or am I confused about how it works?

Going through that process might really knock me down for quite a while. It's like I'm dreading it but yet I want it to happen. I want it to happen so that it can serve as the clearest possible sign that she is finished and I need to move on. The sooner I am able to move on, the sooner I can hopefully meet someone new for myself. I really do miss having someone around to talk to and hang out with and go places with.

Hope everyone had a nice Easter. I spent it with my family and my W was with hers. I wasn't sure if everyone in her family knew about us, but they certainly must by now! It is better that way. SHE will be the one that has to explain why I'm not there.

[Lost_for_now]

Okay, one other thing I wanted to say because I feel good about it.

I have decided to continue wearing my wedding ring until the ink on the D papers are dry. This is not for my W, it is not a tactic to try to win her back, none of that BS. This is for me, and what I feel is the right thing to do. She has chosen to go outside of our marriage, and it was HER choice. I choose to remain true to my own moral standard and what I think is right.

I will also not even think about dating someone else until the D is over AND I feel that I am ready for it. I laugh when I think about it now. No WAY am I ready for that; there is still much to be done on me before I am ready to start looking outward.

Still makes me sick whenever W tells me she wants me to be happy and to find someone else. She is trying to ease her own guilt, I have been told. And I'm beginning to understand and believe that to be the case.

[Lost_for_now]

I have a feeling that I will be seeing STBXW today. I think she will be coming over to the house to pick up tax stuff to send in. I am pretty scared about seeing her. It has been around 10 days since I have seen her and the interactions we have are sterile. Cordial, but completely sterile.

It is so uncomfortable for me (and I'm sure her) to be together now. She clearly doesn't want to be there, and I know the reason she wants to leave is to probably be with OM. Not a good situation for either of us.

That just made me think of something else. One of the things that started happening that made me very suspicious that she had an OM was the fact that she completely stopped changing clothes in front of me. If she was showering, she would keep the door totally closed and then just move into another room with a towel on, close that door, and get dressed. Once, we went out of town on a trip and again, when she changed she would go into the bathroom and shut the door to get dressed. I knew then that there was probably someone else.

Now for the bizarre part. I really believe that the reason she was doing it was that she would almost feel like she was 'cheating' on the new man if I saw her without her clothes on! The irony would be funny if it didn't rip my heart out.

Can't wait for this day to be over with. I will be very glad when it's over.

One last thing. Thank GOD for my dogs. Two labs, one black and one yellow. They are truly lifesavers every single day. I would recommend dogs to everyone, but espcially people in my situation (no kids) who would only be coming home to an empty house or apartment.

[drbty]

Lost,

Amen on having a pet. The ex was suppossed to get him when we split, it was even in the papers. I'm thankful now it didn't work out that way. She didn't want to be responsible for having to take care of him or anyone else - free to play, you know.

You mentioned further above how you wanted the divorce to be over as soon as possible. Although mine happened incredibly fast, in hindsight I really wish there had been more time. If there's any hope of reconciliation it just seems it would be a lot harder for her to come back after a finalized divorce.

Yet another agonizing part of these situations is deciding when to give up hope. After 8 months I'm just now starting to really realize we're done. And that she won't be coming back.

Hope your next encounter goes as smoothly as possible. Hang in there brother.

-db

[Lost_for_now]

Lost,

Amen on having a pet. The ex was suppossed to get him when we split, it was even in the papers. I'm thankful now it didn't work out that way. She didn't want to be responsible for having to take care of him or anyone else - free to play, you know.

Not sure if you were joking with the last sentence, but I think that may be at least partially true. Don't want to be stuck having to take care of dogs when they could be out with OM!

You mentioned further above how you wanted the divorce to be over as soon as possible. Although mine happened incredibly fast, in hindsight I really wish there had been more time. If there's any hope of reconciliation it just seems it would be a lot harder for her to come back after a finalized divorce.

Well, not having gone through it I guess I just don't know. What I do know is that I am tired of the hurt I feel everytime I see her. In order for me to make real progress, I feel like I have to be away from her. You could easily be correct though; having the D finalized could mean I will never see her again. I think though, that if that is going to happen then I never really had a chance anyway.

Yet another agonizing part of these situations is deciding when to give up hope. After 8 months I'm just now starting to really realize we're done. And that she won't be coming back.

Hope your next encounter goes as smoothly as possible. Hang in there brother.

-db

Amen to that. Yes, when do we give up and realize that they're not doing this to hurt us or get noticed, they're doing it because they are truly finished and want out? I'm about where you are I think. My W has been moved out now for six months and she isn't coming back. She has OM, and from all evidence appears to be perfectly happy. Whatever, good for her. All we can do is work on us and hopefully get ourselves in a position to meet the true Miss Right.

Thanks for checking in, and I wish you the best as well.

[Lost_for_now]

It appears that my wife will just never get tired of causing me such incredible pain.

I got an email from her this morning, which is weird because we've had virtually no contact (save for strict business) in weeks.

Anyway, she tells me that she's very busy but asks if I've heard the song "Not ready to make nice" by the Dixie Chicks. She says that she got it on a CD her sister made for her and she loves it and thinks that I would like it too.

So I go onto iTunes and download it and listen to it. IT'S AWFUL! Seems to me like the basic idea of the song is that she's still mad and that she's just fine with her decision and that's it!

Seriously! I KNEW all of that already! I KNEW that you were just fine, I KNEW that you are still angry! Why continue to pound it into my head???

For those that don't know the song, here are the lyrics:

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

[drbty]

Hi Lfn,

How are you doing? Any developments?

RE: the song,

thinks that I would like it too.

Was she just being sarcastic, or does she really think that you're still mad at her and feel the same way?

Hope you're feeling better.

-db