I really don't know what to do anymore...seems like all I am doing is pushing h away again and I don't want to. I just want some resolve and I don't feel it happening. maybe it is a case of my looking for to much and not seeing the trees through the forest, maybe there are baby steps and I am still looking for the grand gestures. it just felt so good when h first decided he wanted to try, perhaps that was because then I was detached and now that I have gotten comfortable I have once again latched on and become dependant again. or have I just fallen under h's thumb. is it him? is it me? I don't know.
there are so many things I want to do even simple things around the house. I am here all day long just looking at the walls, I hate white walls but h grew up with stark white walls, I want color even if subtle...I want to experiment with decorating. why shouldn't I? if h were still out I would, I would not wait for fil to do it, I would not ask h's opinion (though I now know that he hates the color of the master bath! it is deep blue he thinks it should be white)
Is it me? allowing myself to fall under his rule and then resenting him for it?? probably
I hate this..right now I so just want to crawl into bed and cuddle my h, but I wont because I don't want to be rejected and then angered more.
Quote: should I just be like him and his mother...make the decision all on my own and just tell him??
Would it help?
Quote: I just want peace!! I want to breath! I want to know that I can run over to my h and hug him and not have it be "persuit" I just want to be me damn it!!
You know, I've only had my W back for about a week...well, maybe I should say, so far the alien has been gone for a week--I think you know what I mean. In any case, I find myself wanting to be more affectionate also...like I used to. But then I second-guess myself. Do I...don't I? Should I...shouldn't I? Will plan X bring my closer to goal A, or will plan Y? Ugh!
In any case, LL, I'm sorry you're feeling down. Maybe in the morning (which is all of a few hours from now and you probably won't get this) YOU should act "as if."
LL, your posts scream, "get me out!" I think you've answered all your questions. Let's see, your H is back home and NOT with OW. Good. You are falling under old habits of dependency. Bad. You're going crazy with white walls all day long (cabin fever). Bad. Solution=get out and do your own thing. Perhaps your focus on other thing will relieve some of the focus you have on H, thus reducing pressure for yourself (and maybe pressure for H?). Just MHO. God forbid I walk on eggshells with you. I do it all day long here!
Quote: Solution=get out and do your own thing. Perhaps your focus on other thing will relieve some of the focus you have on H, thus reducing pressure for yourself (and maybe pressure for H?). Just MHO. God forbid I walk on eggshells with you.
trying to do it, thinking about doing it, but the guilt of feeling like a failure because I couldn't deal with staying home with the kids creeps in. I don't know? I want to stay home with them, but then I want a life too, maybe it's just the winter and the sit getting to me, I didn't feel this way over the summer and then the baby was still baby, (not that 1 1/2 isn't a baby but you get my point)
I know having my own life and my own things will take some pressure off of h. I am still involved with the book club that I started over the summer, actually getting some others involved too...just had a lag with it due to the holidays.
also trying to start doing something each week with a few girlfriends, some in the area and some from hometown. dinner & movie or just girlie chit chat. just to get away. the holidays I guess are just a bad time for it.
looked on line yesterday for a health club and found one that looks appealing and has childcare..so maybe I'll go take a look and join up get in shape again!!
my c keeps pushing me to go back to school, I don't think I am ready for it yet and what's the rush anyway? I already have the bs.
crapper, was going to take a shower while dd slept and h and son are outside but dd just woke up! what to do, I need a shower. maybe I'll just take dd in with me, used to do that with son, poopie though cause she's already dressed all cute and christmasy, we're going to my moms to make up for christmas...and all the cousins will be there.
hopefully I can just keep on keeping on and try to make the best of every day and every sit. learning what is worth a fight and what isn't. I goofed last night and i know it. I was focussed on the other cell phone. should have just said "oh thanx for turning the truck around" but you can't erase yesterday can you? you can only carry on.
Quote: trying to do it, thinking about doing it, but the guilt of feeling like a failure because I couldn't deal with staying home with the kids creeps in. I don't know? I want to stay home with them, but then I want a life too, maybe it's just the winter and the sit getting to me, I didn't feel this way over the summer and then the baby was still baby, (not that 1 1/2 isn't a baby but you get my point)
I think it's very admirable you staying at home with the kids, and I wouldn't suggest not doing that by any shape of the imagination. My W does this and I think it's one of the most important things a mother can do. I think one of the things that drove my W to do what she did was that she was at home all the time and didn't do ANYTHING else (except go to the gym). This really got to her because she's pretty outgoing and is a person that needs to keep moving. You strike me as the same type of personality. I understand that living somewhat remotely makes it even more difficult on you, but YOU have to think of YOU. Put on the thinking cap to see what you can come up with. Perhaps a part-time job (1 day a week) or something? Local, volunteer work? I don't know, but I'm convinced it would help that PMA. I'm also convinced you can do something and not sacrifice staying at home with the kids.
Quote: I'm also convinced you can do something and not sacrifice staying at home with the kids.
you are right, and it would be a sacrifice that I am not willing to make. They are only little once and for such a short time, s will be starting pre-school next year and on it goes from there...do I really want to give (or pay someone else the pleasure) these precouse years away just so I can have a life?? certainly not. I have looked into local gyms and think I've found one that has on sit child care. that is a good thing gives them a little play time with someone other than "ma-ma" or as dd says "ma-mee" and gives me the opportunity to workout and hell if they've got a hot tub, chill for a bit. so there's that and then I have been rattling my brain a bit thinking there must be some local home for teens or something like that that could use some evening help even if 2 nights a week (walmart is ok but I do have a degree rotting away so why not do something that would look good on a resume)
so these things are in my head..now just have to get motivated and do them.
h and I got along fine today, I was mistaken last night he did not go up to our bed. he went to son's bed, found him there when I went up, asked him to please come to bed. he did, I hugged him and that was that. I didn't bother him this am, I got up with dd and then son woke eventually I made breakfast and then let h know it was ready at 9...I even made him coffee.
h still seems a bit distant...maybe my own perceptions? his buddie seems to be lonley again today cause he called this am, then again while we were on the way to my moms, and now h is on the phone with him again (though this time I think h called him). he knows I am at the puter and yes he knows I come to this site. so maybe that is why he is downstairs talking to buddie.
for now I think I will just go about my business and let h lead, I'd rather be persued anyway.
Quoting lostlove: I think the next time I see SI i'll have to give him a good whack for his 2cents comment..sheesh of all things to pull out of my posts...way to go boosting a fellow dbr's pma SI good thing you don't have your own thread cause I'd really tear you a new one right now!!
Quote: oh do I need a life
apparently
Quote: I just want peace!! I want to breath! I want to know that I can run over to my h and hug him and not have it be "persuit" I just want to be me damn it!!
definitely Combat Fatigue. We really need a DBers' USO Club. Preferably one that serves nachos.
SI, I do not find you in the least bit ammusing and barely tollerable. if you don't have anything productive to say to me then why don't you practice keeping your mouth shut!!
ll, if you want to feel better about your h, come read about what a winner mine is. i hope that damn tatoo gets infected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quote: so these things are in my head..now just have to get motivated and do them.
Motivation... Isn't that at the crux of everything? Change doesn't just happen...change is a result of making something happen (the quote is something like that)... You know, LL, I've said this before, but this is one of the reasons my W went wacko on me. Please motivate yourself to do something. Who cares whether you use your degree or not right now. In a few years the children will be in school and you can begin to use the degree again. Anyway, my .02...take it as you will. Sounds like you have some ideas, so that's definitely a start. Just keep moving in that direction...
Glad to hear you and your H are getting along. In terms of him being distant...jeez...who knows. I think I now realize that when my W is distant, it's the guilt alien coming back. At least, that's what I assume so I don't start going down the dark path of thinking she's changing her mind about our R.
thanks jethro, (all I can think of is jethro tull, any relevance?)
today I called one of the local gyms that have onsite childcare...I have an appointment to meet with one of their trainers next tues night to look over the club and see if I'd like to join.
this afternoon I called the mountain club to see if there is availability for h and I for the end of the week, there is but we'll have to wait til this evening to make the reservation. (the weather ) there were many times while we were dating that we'd be up there for a ski trip and we'd have to come back so he could plow. major bummer but what can ya do. suppose I could just say to h tonight. look I'd like to go anyway if you have to leave you have to leave but I'd like the getaway for myself. (I already have my friend comming to stay with the kids) good idea? bad idea? I do have a vaca comming to me (h went to superbowl last year and then to miami for a game in sept)
tonight I have an appointment with my c. think I will ask him about any places in the area that I might get a part time job at. I know I could just work anywhere but honestly I don't want to. I would feel much better if I were doing something with some meaning.
he thinks it should be white)
LL 
Sounds like you have some ideas, so that's definitely a start. Just keep moving in that direction...