Trying to piece at last

[hurtingbad]

Just journalling.

had a great week really everythung seems to be going fine since the talk last week. We watched a movie monday and he played golf tue. We had a funeral to attend on wednesday which is actually the first time he has been to a funeral with me even though I have had a few to go to (just thought about that one). Thursday he had the kids while I worked and even offered to have them an hour longer so I could go to the pub for an after work drink with the girls and picked me up to save me driving. H has been over tonight we have been swimming with the kids then enjoyed a couple of hours us time surfing the net and watching tv.

So all in all seems to be going well. Still not pinnng too much hopes on this working but at least we now both have a positive attitude towards it.

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

Just journalling H came food shopping with us today lol. Me and the kids called at his mams before we went to see if she needed anything getting and H said oh I'll come with you. Then came to my house afterwards and help put it all away then stayed for tea. by this time it was time for me to go to work so he stayed and looked after kids. When he went to go home he went to give me a kiss in front of youngest D :-S was thinking omg we didnt want them to know lol. Luckily he caught my glance and pecked my sheek both sides then pulled a yucky face at D lol. Then asked me to lock door after him where he gave me a lovely kiss with no prying eyes. Feel really positve about how it is going. BUT I'm still trying to keep myself sort of detached incase he still decideds nothing has changed at the end of it. Most of me hopes it will change and we can get back to sorting all the things that need sorting and a tiny little bit of me doesnt want to rush him into coming home cos me and the kids are having a great relationship at the moment, better than it has ever been and am scared if he comes home it may spoil this.

Am I being stupid, should i just let things slide and take them as they come? I am living day to day instead of week to week or month to month like I used to worrying about what next week might bring. So am now living for today and forgetting yesterday and looking forward to tomorrow if you know what I mean.

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

Just journalling

Me and H seem to be getting on brilliant. Having a few problems with older D which seems strange that since H is back on scene she is acting up again. Will have to sort that one out dont want her to feel pushed away.

Had a good couple of days together and it all seems fine. I still have that niggling thought at the back of my mind you know them what ifs.

Like what if

1 Nothing changes in his feelings and I'm back to square one?
2 What if the oldest daughter doesnt want him to come home and that is why she is playing up.
3 What if things do change but he doesnt say cos he is enjoying life as it is.

wish things would just go away and i coukd stop thinking cos i think i would be fine if I wasnt thinking too much lol

Hugs HB

[stillme]

Hi H! I think your outlook & expectations are right on, and you are doing so well! These ar excellent baby steps into
piecing w/H, and I am so proud of you!! Slow & Steady is the ONLY way to do this, and you're making sure that happens. YAY, H!

About oldest D, a few things that popped out at me from your last few posts that may put her "acting up" in perspective:
(a) You said your R w/your girls is now better than it's EVER been and even YOU are scared that H coming home may "spoil" it. . .I can't help but think that D may be scared about this as well. She (and younger D) have had all kinds of attention and play/fun - from your GAL & 180's in attitude/behavior - They have actually reaped the rewards of H leaving! And maybe D is afraid it will stop now that H is moving home. And maybe she feels guilty for that as well. . . Geez, I can't imagine all the conflicting emotions she might be feeling!
(b) Do you think she sees the dif in you as a Person from pre-Bomb to now, and so does not want you to slip back into being the way that you were in your R/M w/H? You said you were controlling, argumentative, not a nice person; I forget what else you said in your first post, but if it was detrimental to your R w/H, then those same qualities were probably detrimental to your R w/D. In addition to being afraid your attention to her may change, she may be afraid you will slip back to being an unhappy person again.

Just as you need to show a consistent New You/New R w/H until he's comfortable & confident in believing that this is really, really the Real You - I think you need to do the same w/D.

On top of all this, she's not a baby. 14 is a tumultuous time for a girl. She may be starting to push boundaries, trying to become the woman she sees herself being soon. She's looking to you and H for her defintion of a good R/M - or the way she will either WANT her own R/M to be, or how she remember she DOESN'T WANT it. KWIM?

Geez, as I type this I am almost overwhelmed for you! There's SO MUCH to consider. So many people's lives affected by what we do & say. Not just "people", tho, but the ones in this world we love the most & want the very best for.

You can do this, H. You are such a strong woman now. You know what is important in life, and you know how to honor those things that are important. You have worked hard on yourself, and on your R with both H as well as your girls. I think with a little positive reinforcement & honesty, continuing to GAL & be consistent with this new (or, better said, the REAL) you - on top of all the usual Mothering love, patience & guidance - your D will probably "settle down". I'm praying for you.

[NikB]

Stillme asked me to drop by so I'm here catching up - first and foremost, hooray for all the good baby steps!!! This is wonderful.

Those what-if's are awful aren't they? I'm there too and trying to get them out of my head. A few thoughts for you though...

1 Nothing changes in his feelings and I'm back to square one?

You can't control him, so don't worry about this. Make sure that you are who YOU want to be, and happy with you. If you've made real and lasting changes in yourself you'll NEVER be back to "square one," right?? That's how I feel right now, anyway.

2 What if the oldest daughter doesnt want him to come home and that is why she is playing up.

Can't control her either, unfortunately.

But - I'd say that you have a tough job right now, which is to show your whole family that you can be happy together.

I commented once in my thread that I was afraid of Piecing because I didn't want to "quit having fun and start the hard work" - several people made the very good point that THAT is what it's all about. Showing your H (and in your case your D also) that because of the changes you've made, you CAN have a happy R and family.

3 What if things do change but he doesnt say cos he is enjoying life as it is.

If he's enjoying life with you and your D - just go with it!! That's what you want ultimately, right, is for all of you to be happy and enjoy life??

[hurtingbad]

Just Journalling

Apparently I have made a break through lol.

H has told his sister that we are trying again to see how it goes and when she asked so how is it going he said its going well YAY

Acoording to my BF H doing this is admitting he is trying again to somebody and is a major breakthrough? Dont know why but she says it is lol

Things are going well my oldest D and I are still talking about everything so she is calming down a touch lol I probs just blew it out of preportion lol.

H has had his tea over here a couple of times this week. And everything seems to be going good.

I do have one problem though its not a biggy to anyone else I suppose but is to me and I've got to control it (the control freak in me escaping again lol)

With his sister telling me she knows about us trying from him telling her (which she knew already cos I told her at the beginning cos she if my confident I can go talk to and know she wont tell anybody) Its sort of raised my hopes a little, well a lot really. I dont want them to be raised. I have tried to prepare myself for the fall that at the end of the trial he may say nothings changed and have been steeling myself for that. I know I can now cope and live without him so dont see myself getting as I was at the beginning but if my hopes are raised slightly and he says nothing has changed I may find myself getting upset.

What you all think?

Could do with some advice here lol

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

H didnt come over tonight but did send a message letting me know he will see me tomorrow. I text back ok will cya tomorrow. I felt real good that i could do it without thinking why are you not coming over or even asking him why.

I now realise that he has a life too and I cannot control it and should never have even tried. Hoping H realises this without me having to tell him lol

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

VENTING lol

Why do I let myself get upset at the stupidest little thing???

I didnt let him see me upset but when he had gone I sobbed and sobbed lol

And Why??

Cos i invited H to stay the night and he declined. Woooahhh Why did I even think he wouldnt decline. I know we are doin ok but not so good that he is gonna move back in tomorrow or even stay over yet. We are having an intimate relationship now so I know its nothing to do with that. He just didnt want to. I know thats fair enough and even thought ok your not ready when he said no. Then when he went I cried. Is this normal??? Is the depression state taking me over again??.

Help me please somebody let me know if i'm cracking up lol

Hugs HB

[stillme]

Awwww, {{{H}}}, of course you are normal & of course it hurt your feelings. Just b/c you are a DBing fool doesn't mean your feelings go away! You have been missing & wanting H for a long time, your emotions are fragile (altho your mind is spirit is so incredibly strong to begin & continue standing strong for your R & M). You have worked HARD! Of course you're feelings of rejection came back & bit you. Realize, please, that it will take a while for you to really feel safe w/H; that he will honor & protect your heart. That's part of the Piecing you both ar learning. And, for what it's worth, I don't think H took whta you would feel into consideration when he 'declined'. It is, again, not about you, and for that I'm soo sorry, but that's - still - the way it is.

{{{H}}}} I'm sorry sorry you're feeling down. You are NOT cracking up, you are just a normal girl with normal emotions who wants to be loved by her man.

[hurtingbad]

PHOOIE is how I can describe my past 2 days.

I feel so down its unbeliveable. I am crying all the time and not sure why lol

Things still seem to be going ok, H seems to have detached a little but nothing serious. we are having a night out tomorrow night, so hopefully that goes well.

Am gonna mek myself an appointment at docs on monday see if he can help me stop feeling like this lol

Hugs hb