Would you say that, during the times that you had the most trouble getting your men to participate, that you were more sexually frustrated and wanting sex than actually wanting your partner?
As I recall, the one thing that gets me going more than anything else is the sight and sound and feel of a woman that is truly hungry for her partner. Not frustrated or neglected, but excited and eager for every touch and caress and kiss she's anticipating from the man with her.
I also noticed, going back through the threads, that a lot of the women had a hard time "bringing the heat". I wonder if that was an unpleasant effort to summon desire for a man that wasn't really inspiring it, so that the man could then pick up on her sexual vibes and get to work. If he was inspiring lust in her, she'd still be "bringing the heat" and sparking his lust in turn, but it would be an automatic process.
Would y'all say that the "heat" generally starts with the woman, when you get right down to it, and it's a matter of whether she's hungry for him or not? Perhaps that's more the case with older men than younger men?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Well, If I'm honest, I will have to say that I just wanted sex, not necessarily with my H. I knew that our SL was so strained that neither one of us used the sex as a way to build intimacy or have some sexual fulfillment. In fact, it created more tension in our M, so why turn to each other that way, you know? It was a vicious cycle. But my HD was still in full effect in general, that was the problem. Still is I guess. I certainly don't think the "heat" starts with a woman. It has to be a two-way street, at least it does for me. Not sure if that was what you were asking but... LFL
I would say that the only problem I had with "bringing the heat" within the context of my SSM is that it sucks when you allow yourself to get quite aroused and then you get turned down. It's "safer" to initiate from a point of less arousal in a situation in which you anticipate a good possibility of rejection due to previous experience of it. If I am aroused to the point of being "excited and eager" and physically ready and then I am turned down, I am more likely to become literally "hysterical" and I don't like to go there.
I remember one time I was caressing my own breasts in an effort to get my 2bx turned on and he said "I can tell that you're not really turning yourself on so it's not working for me.".
Also, I would say that most of the time I was wanting my 2bx in particular and not just sex in general. I'm strongly monogamous so when I'm "in love" with a man my sexuality tends to focus on him alone. I didn't even MB to thoughts of other men until I was able to dismantle my dysfunctional attachment to my 2bx.
OTOH, I am strongly object-oriented for a woman so it wouldn't necessarily be the case that I would be thinking about his "touch and caress". I might be thinking about his biceps and his cute *ss.
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Would y'all say that the "heat" generally starts with the woman, when you get right down to it, and it's a matter of whether she's hungry for him or not? Perhaps that's more the case with older men than younger men?
No. I can see how a woman in "heat" would inspire desire in most men but in my experience HD guys definitely can bring the heat first a lot of the time. Of course, keeping the heat going through an encounter in which a woman just lies there like a cold fish would probably be quite tough. I think the HDW on the BB have never really been able to adequately communicate the difference between being with a guy who is LD and one who is HD. Maybe I can try again since I was with HD guys in my youth then spent decades with my LDH and recently was with a couple relatively HD guys again (although whether I was actually sexual with both of them would depend on whether you follow Bill Clinton's rules - lol ) When you're with a HD guy it's like you are being led or even propelled through the encounter. It's like even if you are the one being physically more assertive for the moment it's like you are just holding a wind-up car still on the track, you can sense the wheels still spinning or the engine still revving. My 2bx would frequently do things like stop action during an encounter and request that I take my bra off because it was too much hassle for him to deal with it. I've never had a HD guy let my clothing get in the way of his desire. I was making out with this HD guy in a car that was not exactly made for making out and I was wearing a bodysuit because I didn't want my *ss hanging out of my low-rise jeans. For about half a second because of my experience with my LDH I had the thought "Oops, wardrobe error." but it only took HD guy about 2 seconds to deal with that level of difficulty and I should emphasize that it wasn't because of any higher level of sexual prowess, it was because he was the "little engine that could" because he had a tank full of testosterone and/or a proactive attitude or some combination of the two. I think when the HDW on the BB say that they want or they're used to men being more assertive, it's not necessarily that they are looking for rough action (though that can be fun too) what they are really saying is that they're used to this sort of steady drumbeat of active desire coming from a guy. It doesn't matter whether he's giving you a slow massage or throwing you down fast from the ankles, you just sense that he has some kind of mission in mind.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
but it only took HD guy about 2 seconds to deal with that level of difficulty and I should emphasize that it wasn't because of any higher level of sexual prowess, it was because he was the "little engine that could" because he had a tank full of testosterone and/or a proactive attitude or some combination of the two.
When I did that to BB, I get the feeling she thinks am over sexed. She tells me to take it easy and not pull on her clothing. Do you see why some guys hold back? Not wanting to be called or labeled all hands and grabby even when we think we are taking it slow.
It is good to read some women have monkey or bunny or what ever you call it, at the wheel. I understand the cow role. Monkey and bunny overlap to me.
Also, I would say that most of the time I was wanting my 2bx in particular and not just sex in general. I'm strongly monogamous so when I'm "in love" with a man my sexuality tends to focus on him alone. I didn't even MB to thoughts of other men until I was able to dismantle my dysfunctional attachment to my 2bx.
Wow, that is not me at all. I guess I don't understand why/how you would use your H as part of your fantasy life after he makes the awful comments he did. I used it as escape. Not that my H ever talked nasty to me, but he did make me feel unattractive with his avoidance. Just seems odd to me.
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OTOH, I am strongly object-oriented for a woman so it wouldn't necessarily be the case that I would be thinking about his "touch and caress". I might be thinking about his biceps and his cute *ss.
Interesting. I never had that type of R with my H. I am sort of envious. I never had a strong sexual attraction to him. Or him to me I guess. I loved him for other reasons. No wonder our SL is always such a struggle. Rats.
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I think the HDW on the BB have never really been able to adequately communicate the difference between being with a guy who is LD and one who is HD. Maybe I can try again since I was with HD guys in my youth then spent decades with my LDH and recently was with a couple relatively HD guys again (although whether I was actually sexual with both of them would depend on whether you follow Bill Clinton's rules - lol ) When you're with a HD guy it's like you are being led or even propelled through the encounter.
That last sentence is so true. I never feel like that with my H. He can approach me now for sex I guess but I would never use the word "propelled." He wanted to have sex last night but his approach was so "weak", for lack of a better word, that I just got turned off. I was at least nice about it I think but it annoyed me. It's like I don't believe in his actions. I feel like he is just doing it because we just had that blow up and he wants to do the right thing. While that is good, it does not equate with sexy. So I get stuck again in my unfulfilled expectations. It just seems impossible at times for a HD woman to get needs met from a LD guy, even when he is trying, because the forced trying defeats the whole point I guess. I want him to want to, and that is just not the case. I am really setting myself up for failure here so don't feel the need to point it out, I get it. But it just IS. LFL
When I did that to BB, I get the feeling she thinks am over sexed. She tells me to take it easy and not pull on her clothing. Do you see why some guys hold back? Not wanting to be called or labeled all hands and grabby even when we think we are taking it slow.
Well, I'm probably understating or not giving full recognition to my own sexual signaling when I describe the encounter. It's not like I was sitting there like a lump waiting to be disrobed. But still it is the case that I know I'm not signaling full sexual arousal at the beginning of many/most encounters with HDM for the simple reason that I'm not fully sexually aroused at the beginning of many/most encounters with HDM. All I have to do is signal willingness to be sexually aroused. OTOH, I think Corri did a good job of describing the sich where her BF was more passively signaling "willingness to be sexually aroused" to her which is, IMO, normal HDM behavior too. However, even in that sich, it's usually not the case that a woman would have to signal that she was in full-out heat in order to turn the guy on, she would just have to act sexy or be a bit assertive. I am well aware that most men would be VERY turned on by a woman doing something like MBing herself into a state of arousal in front of him and I have less than zero objection to doing things like that but IMO it's weird to think that it would be necessary. If human males really had to wait around for human females to signal heat in order to behave or react sexually there would be a lot less people on the planet. However, it is also true that if you do signal it just a teeny-tiny bit, well, let's just say that stuff will happen.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It just seems impossible at times for a HD woman to get needs met from a LD guy, even when he is trying, because the forced trying defeats the whole point I guess. I want him to want to, and that is just not the case. I am really setting myself up for failure here so don't feel the need to point it out, I get it. But it just IS.
Because your H is such a nice Alpha guy otherwise, I would really like it to be the case that you could teach him to act more HD. I was talking about this with my HD sister and the two of us decided that we didn't know if it was possible, so maybe it is. It's very interesting to me that you indicate that you have no object-orientation or basic physical attraction towards your H. As I recall, he was pretty cute in the picture you posted. Perhaps that is an area you could work on. Do you feel like you have any top drive at all? For example, when HP describes her attraction to her H's legs that is definitely top drive. CeMar clearly wants a woman with a lot of object-oriented top drive.
It seems like you and your H definitely have a puppy dog /bunny relationship so maybe both of you need to work on being more top.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Because your H is such a nice Alpha guy otherwise, I would really like it to be the case that you could teach him to act more HD.
Me too. Beleive me. But I don't know if that is really the issue. I don't want to have to teach a man to be HD. Again, defeats my whole point. So these are my own issues to deal with, not his. He is who he is. A very nice guy who made some mistakes and now wants to be a better H. But you cannot fake drive. It's there or it isn't. I need to suck it up or...not.
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It's very interesting to me that you indicate that you have no object-orientation or basic physical attraction towards your H. As I recall, he was pretty cute in the picture you posted. Perhaps that is an area you could work on. Do you feel like you have any top drive at all?
I have an attraction to him. He is very good looking. It is not a sexual attraction, if that makes any sense. It is "puppy dog" attraction like you stated. He makes me feel loved, not sexual. So in answer to your question, do I have top drive for him? Not really. I only have top drive for guys that make me really hot. I know when I am really attracted to a guy sexually because I will want to be more dominant with him sometimes. I still prefer "bottom", that makes me feel like the guy is more into me, which women tend to like. LFL
But you cannot fake drive. It's there or it isn't. I need to suck it up or...not.
Yeah, I used the wrong word. I meant that you could possibly teach him to act more "top" like NOP was saying on your thread. If he was willing to be sexual even though he didn't really feel the drive and he acted top, that might be close enough for rock and roll. If he acted more like he was in control (top)then you might still be turned on even though he wasn't acting like he was out of control horny (hd). Even though my 2bx rarely acted HD, he frequently acted top so we usually did have hot monkey sex when we had it.
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I only have top drive for guys that make me really hot. I know when I am really attracted to a guy sexually because I will want to be more dominant with him sometimes.
So you would never, for instance, start rubbing yourself up against your H in bed? This was the "trick" that worked best for me from about 1992-1994 - lol - but it wasn't really a trick because I actually was horny when I did it. This is going to sound like an odd suggestion but maybe you ought to read some high quality gay male erotica in order to make yourself more object-oriented. Of course, you also run the risk that you will just freak your H out by putting out that kind of vibe if his bandwidth is narrow. Really, in my experience, acting top is only going to get you whatever percentage of bottom your H has in extra drive from him and if you push beyond that level you will just make things worse (sigh). It's like when HP's H was saying she should just grab it if she wanted it. From what Gel has written, I think that is what she is dealing with now too.
From what I've read, the average guy prefers some top behavior from a woman about 1/3 of the time. I agree with you that I prefer top behavior from a guy most of the time too. My whole "top my top" comment got blown way out of proportion as far as I'm concerned. I think all I really meant by it was that one kind of sexual encounter that I really like is if I start out acting really top because I'm feeling really horny and the guy flips me before I get off. It just doesn't happen that often because I think most men enjoy the novelty of a woman acting really top too much to want to flip her. However, I believe that someday soon I am going to have a sexual partner to whom I can comfortably say "Do you know what would be really hot? The next time I come up behind you and start rubbing up against your *ss, only let me do it for a few seconds before you pin me down hard." and then add "The reason I would really like it if you would/could do this is that when I'm feeling the urge to rub up against you I am as about as horny as I can get at the beginning of an encounter so a total throwdown would get me off really strong." All I gotta do now is find the guy who is the right combo of HD and GGG in general and for me in particular or maybe I should just go around saying this to all the boys and that's how I'll find the right one. I feel like I'll be doing my part in either case because I will actually say it and not just hope it will happen. That's kind of what I'm suggesting in your sich. Teach your nice Alpha H by actually saying what you want and telling him why you want it, why it turns you on or gets you off. The brain is only the sexiest organ when you hook it to your tongue.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
