Quoting KAW and JJ:Its amazing how the darkness affects her mood.
Guys, I used to live in AK and understand how people tend to hybernate and get down during those winter months. I know it's not a cure or anything, and I don't know much about it (risks, etc.), but have either of you considered some kind of artificial sunlight lighting in your homes?
I wanted to suggest something that has helped me, and perhaps might help your wife.
I have become a member of www.flylady.net who helps people break down house cleaning into baby steps. This helps my depression because if I keep up with whatever goals I've set for myself, with Fly Lady's help, I feel better a lot of the time. Between Fly Lady and Michele, my life is changing for the better!
Also, I find that taking my Omega 3, 6, and 9 really helps my moods.
Also, for me, fearing that those I love would leave me because of my depression, was something I had to deal with, and still struggle with. I suspect it's a common symptom of depression.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: Also, for me, fearing that those I love would leave me because of my depression, was something I had to deal with, and still struggle with. I suspect it's a common symptom of depression.
I do think that this might be a pretty common symptom, at least from what I've seen.
So, I have a question for you, Phoenix!
One thing that I found with my wife was that, in spite of her fears of being left, she was doing things to push me away at the same time. She has admitted to that being the case, but has never been quite sure of the reasons why. Whether it was feelings of unworthiness, out of guilt, to protect me, or whatever.
On some of her bad days, she would call me at work, and tell me to go out for awhile, and not worry about coming home until late. So, I obliged her request, thinking that was what she really wanted, for me to just leave her alone. However, in retrospect, she tells me that this was a mistake on her part, that those were the times that she really needed me to be around.
Have you ever experienced, or maybe done, this? Do you think that this is something that might be common in depression? Do you think that this might be something that the spouse's of people suffering with depression might want to consider as a possibility?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quoting jethro: but have either of you considered some kind of artificial sunlight lighting in your homes?
jethro
You know, Jethro, that IS a great suggestion! I've never really looked into getting something for the home, so it might be worth checking out some more! I DO have a lot of windows and skylights in my house, but sometimes that's just not enough!
I DID buy my wife a bunch of sessions at a tanning place one time, and it really did seem to help her quite a bit.
The only problem with that was, at the time, I had a helluva time getting her out of the bedroom, let alone getting her to go out of the house!
I'll look into that some more. It could be a great investment! Thanks!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I can remember doing things like that with my husband. For me, I think it may have been my weight that I was using to push him away from me. On the one hand, I was mad at him for not being able to help me, (irrational and unfair, I know) and on the other, I think that somewhere inside, I thought that if he left me for my weight, then it wouldn't be a blow against my personality. So, I guess you could say I was trying to do a preemptive strike. Of course, my efforts at pushing my husband away, only made me feel worse.
Perhaps the best thing you could do for your wife is to do some research about depression's effects on loved ones. Or maybe get some counseling to help you deal with the effects.
If nothing else, maybe these will reassure you that you aren't alone and that these are common actions.
Now for my disclaimer.
I'm speaking from my experience. I'm not qualified to speak for anyone else!
Wow, thanks everyone for dropping by ... lotsa good ideas to ponder about.
jethro, I haven't consider "daylighting" the house. I was considering incorporating lots of plants and the associated lighting that would be needed to support them, but our cat would have a feast. When I bring home a flower arrangement, I have to "lock" them up at night or there will be pedals all over the house when we wake up. Even with artifical plants, she narls at the leaves. As it is, nearly every light in the house is on at night, even when we turn "lights out" to go to sleep, there is a nite light in every room and hallway ... but I could certainly check into perhaps finding lightbulbs that give off a more "warmer" sunshine effect of light.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: Perhaps the best thing you could do for your wife is to do some research about depression's effects on loved ones. Or maybe get some counseling to help you deal with the effects.
PnT, thanks for dropping by. While I thought I was supportive of her by providing any service she requested, (ie, taking her to doctor visits, being with her for tests, picking up prescriptions, etc...), the biggest mistake I made to contribute to the decline of OR was not getting involved to understand her condition. When it came to participating in counseling, I declined believing the problem was in her head, so why do I need to be involved. Now I'm doing that researching to get a better understanding, however there is still much damage to repair, in that she seems to have lost trust in me to confide about her inner thoughts and feelings which contributes to her feeling she's all alone with her issues. She also must have had some bad sessions with her counseling as she dislikes the idea of going back, even when I brought up that I be intrested in going with her now. No matter what, I come to accept it will be a long time, if ever, before she will trust me enough to open up on such an intimate level as sharing her inner most thoughts with me again, but I will never cease trying.
Thanks for your openess about this! I appreciate your thoughts!
I have done a lot of research, and still get pretty confused! It's a hard subject to really understand until you've been there/done that, I'm sure. Even then, I can't imagine there are any good answers. They closest that I came was having a couple of small panic attacks a few times, and some brief periods where I "might" have been "depressed", but was able to come out of it. I KNOW that this can't come close to comparing what a full-fledged state of depression can feel like.
You have my heart-felt sympathy on what you must have went through.
KAW - There IS a very good book, and web-site, about the "depression fall-out" that PNT was talking about. The book is entitled "HOW YOU CAN SURVIVE WHEN THEY'RE DEPRESSED", by Anne Sheffield. The website is www.depressionfallout.com
There's LOTS of good stuff in the book, and the website will give you a good synopsis of what the book is about.
I REALLY liked the book, the author is writing from her first-hand experiences. However, the first couple of times that I read was in my pre-DB'ing days, and it almost left me with a feeling of helplessness. I think, though, that combining this book with the solution-oriented techniques of Michele's is a great combination.
In fact, I think that I have to take the time to read it again, to see if I might be able to pick up some more good stuff from it, now that my situation is a little different than before!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I think for me, the biggest betrayal I felt by my husband in regard to my depression was due to his insisting that 'it was all in my head'. That I could somehow snap out of it if I just tried.
GRRRR!
Heh. I guess I can laugh about it now...
You see, I was trying everything I knew of to make myself feel better, but in reality, I was just doing more of the same, which led to a downward spiral.
I'm trying to DB my depression, although I WANT to divorce my depression!
I think that the web site JJ recommended would be really helpful to you and anyone else trying to deal with someone else's depression.
JJ,
I think that website will help me too. Thank you for posting it!
Now, I've been to my share of psychiatrists. But, I have to say, 2 of the 3 kept falling asleep on me. I finally figured out that I needed to schedule my appointments early in the morning rather than right after their lunch. Sheesh!
As for the 3rd, he wasn't Solution Based. Just talk talk talk....bleh!
I've found that Michele is right...whatever you focus on expands. So, I know not to focus on my bad feelings! And so, I hated having to pay someone expensive fees to do just that!
Double Grrr!
Now, I try to stay focused on what works. And what works for me:
Now, I've been to my share of psychiatrists. But, I have to say, 2 of the 3 kept falling asleep on me. I finally figured out that I needed to schedule my appointments early in the morning rather than right after their lunch. Sheesh!
I MUST say that the rescheduling of the appointments is an example of "solution-oriented thinking" AT IT'S FINEST!!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
