Quote: While filling in the details to my W, she deduced the meaning behind my "getting better" statement and she got upset and replied. "Its only getting better? I thought we were passed all this."
You know, my W kind of has this attitude...that we need to just move on and forget the past. I'm sure they both feel quite guilty about what happened and don't want to be reminded about the damage they have done. Heck, my W wonders why I can't just trust her. Give me a break!
I'm glad you had a productive conversation with her. I've been wondering about this from you because it seems like you've made some great sacrifices, swallowed a lot of pride, and let things go without conversing with her very much about it (at least, it's always been my impression that you've yet to really have a BIG R talk about everything and how you feel and where you stand, etc.). I'm happy for you.
As I had mentioned when I tried to initiate a discusion on the subject, it was like knocking on a closed door and she wouldn't answer. Its the first time since last June that she had opened the door again herself, by directly asking, "Can we talk about us?"... The question now is, will she be willing to keep the door open so I can come back and get some answers to the questions I may feel the need to ask down the road or is this still a one way street? ... but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. (Alright, enough with the roadside metaphors!)
My W has developed a pessimistic frame of mind and I believe is the main source that keeps her in the cycle of anxiety. It is going to take more than me saying it however to convince her. The books I'm hoping will help are:
"Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David D.Burns, Md.
plus Michelle's book: "Change Your Life and Everyone In It"
I would like her to understand that even on a personal level, the pattern of what hasn't work can be broken and with "butterfly" effect, 180's and acting "as-if", etc... she can change her perception around which will result in her feeling better about herself and expand from there. While all this is in DR, she is intimidated by the title and won't read it. With the emphasis of this book being more on the personal level than on the marital relationship, I would hope she would be more open to reading it.
There is a book I want to get for me called, "HOW YOU CAN SURVIVE WHEN THEY'RE DEPRESSED: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield. I hope this will help me continue in keeping the positive changes going.
Anyone else have others they would recommend, I would love to hear about them ...
'til later,
KAW
P.S. Oops, didn't mean to imply I wasn't going to read the other books. Do plan on reading these with W, but the last one is to help me with my personal goals.
I read "Change Your Life and Everyone In It" and thought it was great. I actually gave it to MIL and she's reading it right now. I also want my W to read it, but she's reading "Love Languages." When MIL is finished, I'm hoping my W will read the other one.
Hi..KAW..I really feel for you and the wonderful job you are doing with coping with your wife and depression..my sister is on medication for depression and panic attacks..she is single..never married and whiel I am not that close to her to talk about it, I know she has suffered..society still does not totaly recognize beyond thinks people just make it up or they are crazy.I think you mentioned your w is on medication..does it seem to be doing any good? There is so much more hope out there..she seems like she has a ways to go..again though you sound like a saint to be able to cope and have the paitence..that's what I call tru love for someone..to stand beside them through the bad times.Glad to hear you are reading things for you...you need outside support to keep up the strength to give your w support..never ending circle. Take care Sue
Thanks for visiting Sue and your too kind to make the reference to a saint. I feel far from it. While I always felt I was being supportive for my W, I've learned I didn't give nearly enough which contributed to her feeling she wanted out of M. I feel very fortunate to be given a second chance to learn from my mistakes and be able to do it right this time.
My W has been on Prozac. About a 1� years ago the insurance company switch it with the generic brand. In three months, she was back to having anxiety attacks. The doctor put her back on prozac, but this time the attacks didn't go away. Doctor called it "Prozac Poop-out" and upped the dosage twice, but she continues to have attacks a few times a week.
Speaking of which, I gotta go, she just woke having another one...this...after having a real good eveining.
Good morning folks, Got through another episode OK. Last night's attack wasn't as bad, however they always manage to get her quite down after they occur. But to get her mind off it, she decided to do a little reading before trying to go to sleep again and we managed to settle in for the night...
Getting back to Sue's post, I just wanted to comment in addition that this board has been a tremendous support for me. Just visiting other theads is a great reminder to me not to take her actions so personally and let any resentment go. I can believe that the outcome of our sitch would have been quite different if I hadn't discovered this site.
Quote: I can believe that the outcome of our sitch would have been quite different if I hadn't discovered this site.
I can definately say you are not alone in this thought! I know for sure that had michelles book not been recommended to me back in june h surley would not be home right now!! and even if he came back he surley would not still be here. it's a blessing to have such a place with people who understand what we are going through.
Quote: Maybe they're right ... I've haven't tried acting "as-if" it never happened. Would like to try, but wonder how to pull it off?
most days I try to act as if it never happend...but honestly that can't be the way to do this....I saw once on an episode of dr. phil..(don't watch that show often as it interferes with sponge-bob square pants) a man had an a...they decided to stay together, h ends the a...but they never talk about it...h trying to just move on..w trying to move on but slowly dying inside from the pain...wanting to work it out..dr phil..says there really is no way to heal the r without talking about what happend.
most days I try to act like it didn't happen like the whole past year was a wash...but it wasn't there is a whole lot of resentment and bitterness resting inside and it has nowhere to go...I've told my h that I would like to seek c to at least talk about things..not that I want to dig up old trash or open closets or anything but to learn to understand eachother better etc...
I don't know how long the acting as if can really work...if it works for them thats fine and dandy but I don't really think it's healthy. you have to face your demons at some point don't you???
I know its a cliche, but I have found most cliches really do apply to DBing ... Time heals all wounds. Acting "as-if" is not suppose to be a permanent solution but only a temporary measure during the transition until the healing has occured, then it shouldn't be needed anymore. How long it takes it different for each person and the deep emotional hurt will take longer to heal ... awwaah he!!, I don't know. I'm still searching for answers myself, but I am in awe on how our S's make it work for them...
Hi, Kaw. Thanks for stopping by my thread. You're always a sane and supportive voice!
I admire your patience and kindness.
I also enthusiastically agree that this forum has kept the light on for me. I would still be in the dark about what hit me if I hadn't picked up Michele's book a year ago.
It's also reassuring to see others have ups and downs, and to share the struggle to continue DB-ing when you're hurting.
My confidence faltered today on a simple dog walk -- in the park sat a grrrllll who looked like the OW, laughing on a blanket on the grass. I wanted to strangle her. Suddenly I was in pain.
Yet when I got home my H wrapped me up in a big hug and teased with me. He left his email open to view, humming, promising he'd finish the dishes later.
He doesn't have a clue about my broken heart.
Well, you know, it's best not to call it a broken heart now. It's a RE-BUILT heart, and it's gonna go for millions more miles. It's better not to pick at the glue, handle the senstive area, open the wound.
Better to LOOK AT THE GOOD.
KAW, you told someone recently not to talk/think in "all or nothing" terms -- and I agree. Also, let's not catastrophize.
Those panicky fears bubble up, but I'm trying not to give them credibility or focus. Still, ya gotta weather them somehow.
And that's where you guys save my life.
Thanks, and happy sunny cheerful musical day to KAW.
Give me a break!
