I was beginning to wonder if it was me that was holding us back by not trying to completely let go of what occurred last year. I began to feel that by visiting this BB nearly daily, I was in a sense picking at the scab. So I decided to go on hiatus from here for a while. (I do have to admit to lurking occasionally.) It seemed to be working until last night.
I had just tucked our DD to bed and was working on cataloging my photographs on the computer, when I needed to look at a map that was in our bedroom. When I walked in there was W journaling. (As I have mentioned, she only journals when she feels her worst.) I went over and held her in my arms and she broke down into tears. I gently asked what was wrong. She said she didn't want to talk about it. I told her I was worried and concerned for her. Then she tried to brush it off. Saying she had to work some things out herself. WAW flashed across my mind! I said, that was very reminiscent of what she said last year, then I asked if this was related. She gave a short no and remained quiet. (Now thoughts of OM are running thru my head.) I asked directly, does she feel we are in touble again. See said no again, then added, "Its me. I just need some time to work some things out that's all." Que: Don't press anymore. So I let it go, but she could tell I was not comfortable with that. She kissed me a couple of times to try to make me feel better, but I told her it really didn't help. So I left the room.
At bedtime, I told her it really hurts that she still feels she can't confide in me. She replied simply, "I just don't want to talk." So that was it. This morning before we parted for work, it was tense and distant, but I kept my mouth shut and tried to play it cool.
So nine months of "piecing" and I feel like I'm right back in the hole! The one major obstacle that always kept us from getting closer is still there. She won't talk to me about what really bothers her. I'm no closer than before to to finding my way around this one. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
Sorry I haven't posted much to other's threads. Its just I don't seem to be lost without any answers, so don't feel I could be of much help to others now. Sorry to be such a downer, but this feels like a major backslide after so much rebuilding. Are we still rebuilding now? How can we as long as the old walls remain standing?
After over two years of piecing, my W recently brought up the spectre of divorce.
She doesn't want to talk about it either, so all I did was offer to talk to her if and when she ever decides. I offered to honestly answer any questions that she might have about my feelings and intentions.
If she wants to know how I truly feel, she'll ask.
Sometimes you can rebuild together. Sometimes it's all up to you. Right now, it's all up to your W. In times like that, you have to keep your nose out of it.
Sucks, doesn't it, KAW.
Sorry, my friend. All you can do is bide your time until she invites you back into piecing.
Just be the fantastic KAW/husband/father that you are, and wait.
Well, KAW, I'm sorry you're back, but selfishly, I'm glad because I've always valued your advice and insights.
Out of curiousity, how would this conversation with your W have gone in the past? Is it noticibly different today than it was a year ago? I'm trying to figure out if there's a different approach you can take that would facilitate her opening up to you...change the dynamic yet again. What has happened in the past to get her to open up? For example, does it require spending an entire afternoon having fun and joking around to get her to feel comfortable enough to tell you things?
Can I assume her depression is getting the best of her because it's winter? You know, KAW, I certainly understand you wondering what she's thinking about. I think it's entirely possible she's feeling guilty about what she did as much as anything else... My W journals too when she's feeling crappy, but I'd venture to guess that much of the time it's guilt-driven.
The one major obstacle that always kept us from getting closer is still there. She won't talk to me about what really bothers her. I'm no closer than before to to finding my way around this one. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
KAW, take a step back for a second, and look at this in a different way.
Instead of thinking that she knows exactly what's bothering her, and won't tell you, assume for a minute that she's NOT sure exactly what's bothering her, and she CAN'T tell you, doesn't quite know how to put it into words?
How would looking at the situation in this perspective change what you are thinking, how you are feeling, and what you are doing? How would you approach the problem in a different way?
Just food for thought!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Andy, It always gives me a boost to hear from you.
Quoting Andy: Just ride it out, KAW. That's all you can do.
Sounds simple and think I can manage that. Like you say, what choice do I have ... and yeah it does suck!
I'm beginning to wonder if she will ever be comfortable enough to talk to me on this level and that hurts!!! To knew that for whatever reason, she can't share her inner most feelings & thoughts with me.
Would like to hear from ya about what's doing lately?
Bob, thanks for dropping by. Have been keeping up with your thread. Just wish I had some helpful words for ya.
Jethro, thanks for the kind words. Last night was pretty much a blast from the past. The only difference was before I not accept she would keep stuff from me and kept after her to tell me. Last night after she said she needed to work it out for herself, I stopped asking questions, but still let it be known that I was not happy with her decision. The only times she has opened up is when it is her intension to do so. I have yet to find any thing that works to influence her that she can confide in me when she feels like she can't.
Quoting Jethro: Can I assume her depression is getting the best of her because it's winter?
A few weeks ago, I would have thought so too, but as I said the last couple of weeks, she was seem to be getting a better gasp on her attitude. (unless it was all a facade?) If it is guilt, why would it be so hard to share she feels guilty. What is so wrong with that? Wouldn't they want us to know they feel guilty as this would be reflected by us as being remorseful? ... something we would like them to share with us. I hate to say it, but what kept crossing my mind was a resurgence of feelings for OM and her feeling lost with how to deal with them. What else is there that she would be so reluctant to let out? ... well there is that independence thing that can be rearing its head again... Who knows, but that's the whole point of all this... Why can't she let me know?
LL, thanks for the hug. Been dropping by your place too from time to time. I can certainly feel your frustrations of late, but I sense your R is about to experience a growth spurt, perhaps to coincide with the sunshine of Spring. Just a premonition I have...don't know it I am all that accurate with those, but hang in there...and remember if it happens, you heard it here first.
Quote: Wouldn't they want us to know they feel guilty as this would be reflected by us as being remorseful?
I don't think so, necessarily. I believe that many previous WASes can barely deal with their infidelity, and to talk about it dredges up even more pain. It may be that she feels badly about it and doesn't want to share her guilt with you, as it will bring you down. Have you ever told her that it helps you when she's remorseful?
I don't think that the words you saw written would be uncommon for a person in depression to write, or to feel. "Lonely" is also very common, I think.
I think that the real key is for us to learn how to "de-personalize" all their thoughts and feelings, and go beyond assuming that it's because of us, because of our relationship, and that we can fix it. More often than not, they might just be hiding from life in general, and not from "us".
I will continue to try to think of a different approach? Is it keyed around a different word? Maybe about "sharing"?
Yup, I thinking that "sharing" may be the key word here. How often do you share your non-OR heavy thoughts and feelings with her? Have you ever? If so, how did it work?
Or do you put it off because you think she can't handle it at the time because she's in the middle of a funk? Or put it off because things are going well, and you don't want to take a chance of ruining a good run? I know that this can be one of my downfalls, and have to be careful of this.
You being the first to "share" can be a good way to teach her what you want by example. A way to show her that it can be done. The tough part can be actually figuring out how, and doing it ourselves.
More later.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
The one major obstacle that always kept us from getting closer is still there. She won't talk to me about what really bothers her. I'm no closer than before to to finding my way around this one. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
What else is there that she would be so reluctant to let out? ... well there is that independence thing that can be rearing its head again... 
Who knows, but that's the whole point of all this... Why can't she let me know?