Knew I wouldn't have much time yesterday and today to post a detailed update, but will try tomorrow. Sorry, not intending to string you guys along, but have much going on right now (mostly at work).
Briefly, you know what they say about best laid plans, but I feel we still moved forward some. I'm also monitoring to see just what kind of results are going to come.
With the two inches of snow today, that makes six consecutive months it has snowed in here in the Mid-Hudson Valley and that's no April Fool's!
OK, W's asleep, so I'll do an update. Things have been moving along pretty good. W has been making a galant effort to fight back the depression...been more upbeat and more active and we seem to be sharing most everything now in a spirit of co-operation towards putting the pieces together. She feels the weakest link now is my insecurity about her commitment to staying in M and feels they are unfounded by this time. Actually, I probably would agree if it weren't for one thing I feel is still not right. I feel in certain ways, she maybe continuing to punish me for those years of neglect. Without going into details, there were a couple of key phrases in the last couple of weeks that have rub me the wrong way..."That she has me wrapped around her pinky". Also in the spirit of co-operation I have attempted to offer help with any aspect, her offerings extend only to certain boundaries with a recent comment last week of "If you can't do it on your own, I guess you will have to do without."
Most of this came out over the weekend, however not quite to the extent I was hoping as my W had come down with a nasty cold which kept her in bed for most of the weekend, but on Sunday evening she approached me about wanting me to set up some C sessions for her.
This is something I'm very willing to do, but she made the request that she would like to go back to the counselor she was seeing last year, who is NOT a SBT and has proven not to be particulary pro-M when it comes to working out issues. When I noted my reservations about going back to her, she replied "but I feel comfortable talking only to her."
So do I honour her request to set up the insurance authorization for this counselor? The other problem is after extensive searching after discovering DR, I could not turn up a SBT in our area. So it seems I have little choice?
Hey KAW. I'm glad to hear that you and your W are communicating well.
Quote: So do I honour her request to set up the insurance authorization for this counselor? The other problem is after extensive searching after discovering DR, I could not turn up a SBT in our area. So it seems I have little choice?
Well, for you, this is probably a difficult issue to tackle because if you tell her you don't feel comfortable about this C, then your W is likely to point to your "insecurities?"
Is it possible for you to approach this whole thing with a fresh start? Meaning, can you tell your W that you don't feel comfortable with this C because she is not pro-M (which is contrary to what you and your W are trying to fix/improve), and suggest interviewing a different C? You know, in the name of a "new/fresh start"--new C, new R, new books, etc.? It's like I've said before, we come to a point where we can be pretty blunt about our expectations of our Rs. Your expectation here is to improve things and it seems as though this C has not helped in the past.
Quoting Jethro: Meaning, can you tell your W that you don't feel comfortable with this C because she is not pro-M (which is contrary to what you and your W are trying to fix/improve), and suggest interviewing a different C?
I'm not sure if you missed this...
Quoting KAW: When I noted my reservations about going back to her, she replied "but I feel comfortable talking only to her."
To elaborate a little more, my W is very uncomfortable opening up to anyone, including several C's she has seen over the years. I had suggested perhaps going back to one of the first ones she had seen, because I had noticed such a positive turn around in her after those sessions, but she didn't like that recommendation without giving a reason. I did ask why, but she came back with "I just don't." Unfortunately, she seemed to develop a rapport with her last C in which she feels comfortable and secure enough to talk about things she wouldn't with anyone else. It would nearly be impossible for her to accomplish this with yet another stranger when she knows she rather talk to this one.
Seems like a real catch-22 even though she did try to reassure me that she will be going in order to resolve her issues in the context of staying in the M, but I just don't trust the influence the C might have over her. I guess though I really don't have a choice?
Since last year I have so wanted to give this C a copy of DR because she went along with my W's feelings at the time that it probably is in her best interest to walk away from M, but have been waiting for the appropriate time. I wonder it now would be a good time?
You probably won’t like what I’m going to say, but please consider it.
The only 180 that’s left for you to do is to become secure in your W’s commitment to your M. In order to become secure, you have to act As-if you’re secure. This is a BIG DB challenge.
It kinda goes back to what I posted to you a coupla weeks ago. You don’t trust her to make up her own mind about things. You worry that she’ll be influenced to do the wrong thing by a bad C.
I’m not saying you don’t have anything to worry about. If she’s depressed, she could be susceptible to bad influences. But you can’t control any outside influences on her. You can only affect the influence you have on her.
It appears that you have control (via the insurance forms) over whether or not she sees this C. IMHO, you should not exercise control in this matter or any other. As hard as it is, you have to allow her to control her own destiny. Otherwise, she’ll feel controlled and manipulated by you.
It takes a leap of faith, but it’s only by setting her free that you can draw her back.
I’m not quite sure about the context of the “wrapped around her pinky” comment, but I’d go ahead and let her wrap you. It’s gonna take a long time for her to let go of her feelings of neglect. I don’t believe she’s trying to punish you, but in her mind, she’s kept score, and you have a lot of catching up to do. The only way you can catch up is to throw away your own scorecard and never look at it again.
Support her as unconditionally as you can. Hey. Nobody’s perfect, and it ain’t easy getting over those feelings of being taken advantage of, but if you don’t do it, your W won’t either.
I didn't miss it, KAW. I just did a poor job of prefacing what I wrote. I wasn't sure exactly what you meant about "reservations," so I was just wondering how blunt you were with how you felt, and if you really expressed your concerns. Sorry for the vagueness...I'm kind of busy today...and distracted.
Does your W feel as though this C actually helped, or is she just easy to talk to? There is a difference.
Quote: I guess though I really don't have a choice?
Well, I suppose you could say we always have a choice. Right? Whether we exercise that choice is another matter. Perhaps it's better to act as-if in this scenario rather than really push the issue, as it only highlights your "insecurities," as they are perceived by her? I understand your concern: old C...old patterns...history repeated... But, I imagine your W is in a different place today than she was the last time she went to see this C?
Quote: Since last year I have so wanted to give this C a copy of DR because she went along with my W's feelings at the time that it probably is in her best interest to walk away from M, but have been waiting for the appropriate time.
Is this what you expressed to your W? I guess I'm wondering if you said, "W, I'm not comfortable with you going to this C because she told you that it was likely in your best interest to walk away from M. We are now working on things and I feel you may benefit from seeing someone who understands how to make a M work given the particular dynamics of our situation (A, depression, anxiety, etc.)." You know, something like that...
I can't wait! Hmmm...it makes me want to guess what it is...and I think I know, but I won't post it...
