Braveheart, Your post is very accurate. I had wanted to write something similar on my own thread, but your words are even better. It is definately NOT a Hollywood ending. It is so hard at times but I do think it comes from expectations. The LBS does expect the WAS to show his undieing love and tell her everything she wants to hear. I think it comes in spurts. And I think it happens once the MLC'er really does begin to feel safe again, not just at home but also in their own skin.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Braveheart, Your post is very accurate. I had wanted to write something similar on my own thread, but your words are even better. It is definately NOT a Hollywood ending. It is so hard at times but I do think it comes from expectations. The LBS does expect the WAS to show his undieing love and tell her everything she wants to hear. I think it comes in spurts. And I think it happens once the MLC'er really does begin to feel safe again, not just at home but also in their own skin.
Nice post BND. Problem is as I see it, people who go through an MLC are VERY INSECURE about themselves, therefore, its very tough for them to EVER feel secure in any enviornment, let alone one they came out of. That's not to say they don't or won't, but many will fear the rejection of the LBS, so many will not try. Just another opinion.
BND, I am sure you are right about the guilt and shame. Looking at it from the outside in, would you have the guts to show your face to someone you treated like that? I don't think I could. As for them "forgetting, or not remembering" I don't know if I buy that line, but who knows. I am of the opinion that people can and will have a selective memory when it comes to wrong doings. Please try to remember that, I know how much you want things to work out, and I sure hope they do for you, but sleep with one eye open for awhile!
As for them "forgetting, or not remembering" I don't know if I buy that line,
As recently as two weeks ago, my husband brought up something that occured during my MLC and I absolutely do not recall acting the way he says I acted. It's not that we have "selective" memory. It's that there is so much that is going on in our heads during MLC, often some of the most traumatic and/or emotional things get pushed deep into our subconscious. I have looked at my husband a few times in the past 3 or 4 months and apologized right in the middle of a conversation about the past because I didn't remember it when I came out of the tunnel so I never really apologized for those particular things because I didnt recall them AT ALL. It stops me in my tracks to find out these "new" things from his point of view that I did back then and I don't know how long this will last. Will I still be being reminded of things 2 or 3 years from now in the middle of conversations? Fact is, it is very possible.
AMY, I stand corrected. I cannot and will not argue about not remembering things during an MLC with someone who has been through one. I do believe you without reservation about everything you say about MLC. What was the overwhelming thought going through your head during that time?
It is so important to us to have someone tell us how sorry they are and how much they miss us when we have been hurt and wronged so badly, when we don't hear it, its a double stab to our soul. I think that is what really prevents reconnection.
Hi braveheart.
I really think you hit home with this one. I believe we're all smart enough to spot a half-hearted apology from a genuine one. I also think it's equally important that once the apology does manage to come out, that it should be accepted, then forgotten.
Sometimes people have the tendency to gloat about it, and that can also hinder reconnection...JMTCW
