Mandy, I am not an "old timer" LOL I will give you my views on what I see. You and your EX weren't married, but just a long time live together couple who had a child. Your EX has been gone 2 years and got married to OW. He also is trying to put you and your son out of the house that you lived together in. Mandy, as I have told you before, it seems like this guy is the meanest I have read about. With that being said, I really feel the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on. I know its a hell of a lot easier said than done, but lets look at the situation; He wouldn't marry you, because he didn't believe in it or some crap like that. He was with OW for awhile before they got married. He is trying to put you and your child out of the house so he can sell it or live there himself. Mandy, I want to ask you this question. Why the hell would you want this loser back? I just don't think there is much to save here, someone else might have a different opinon here.
Braveheart thank you for your reply, first can I point out that I have moved on and the house is in fact packed up and ready to move out, under no circumstances would I have this loser back, it as been far too long and he as pulled far too many stunts on us, my only concern is what impact it as had on my son under the surface, and why his dad pulls these stunts on us as and when son refuses to play happy families with them. The thing I cannot get my head round is how any man can put a child/his child through this, kick him out of his home and expect a normal relationship with that child as and when he feels like it. I know the kicking us out of the house, with-holding all money from us etc is all based at me, but surely he must know somewhere in his stupid mind that he is affecting his son.
Mandy, you are going to have to learn something that has taken me awhile to learn. You have no control over what he does. I am in a similar situation in the sense that my XW left me with 2 little kids and has nothing whatsoever to do with them. I know it makes you mad as hell, but really there isn't anything you can do about it. He will pay for what he has done down the road, but in the meantime, you have to salvage what you can, explain to your son this wasn;t his fault and make the most of things. I know this isn't very comforting to you, but unfortunately it is the way it is.
It makes you angry and hurts to the core. But, the only thing you can do is move forward and make a better life for yourself. The feelings of hurt and confusion will be with you for a long time Mandy...they still haunt me. But time is the only thing that will heal you. What all 3 of our ex's have done is despicable. This makes them despicable people. This helps me to deal with things better to remember this. I can dismiss him and not want him around on any level.
I have to remember this and move forward to a healthy place for me and my teens. They have been hurt too...but I try to help them deal with this and continue to provide a healthy environment for them. This in itself is a full-time job. LOL. If I am taking care of myself and my family...I don't have time to think about ex. I personally would sever all ties or contact with this man...w/o anger. You will be healthier emotionally w/o him. Your son's relationship with him is a different matter and I would seek professional counseling for you both in dealing with it.
I'm sorry for the hurt this has caused in your life. It is truly one of the most painful I have read about.
The thing I cannot get my head round is how any man can put a child/his child through this, kick him out of his home and expect a normal relationship with that child as and when he feels like it. I know the kicking us out of the house, with-holding all money from us etc is all based at me, but surely he must know somewhere in his stupid mind that he is affecting his son.
(sigh)
sorry if this sounds mean.
But why in God's name are you still trying to grasp your head around anthing he does (sigh) sorry had to get it out.
I know we all find our ways of dealing with this.
I am not Snodderly, but she says that things will be revealed to you, and boy she is right.
Things gets revealed to us, but only when we allow ourselves to listen.
Mandy I remember you from long ago, when you H was going to get married, and how you sounded like you were in a frenzy about it.
But guess what mamma, you survived that. He went and got married, and here you, still doing very well, and being a great mom.
Do you see all the things that he can not take from you?
he can take a house, fine take , and choke on it.
You are so much BIGGER, that his mean ways, and selfish ways.
I read it and I have to think to myself, JESUS, aren't you married? to someone else, and you still feel the need to inflict pain on your EX?
I really want to say to you, you will survie THIS to, and when you survive this, you will add another badge of strength to your belt. And sooner or later, your belt is going to feel so heavy, b/c all those survivor, strenghth badges, are going to over flow.
Let go, and Let God. Sweetie, You will in your own time, but you will.
HUGS Mandy, focus on how wonderful you are,
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Mandy, I've followed your postings periodically here and I believe you are also posting over on 40/60. My thoughts are really no different than some of the thoughts of others that have been posting to you.
First, contact your solicitor. Advise them that the man you lived with has two options: 1) either pay you for the 18 months of child support as agreed upon; or 2) accept as rent the funds that he was to have paid you in child support during that time. Advise them that you aren't going to pay him rent because of the understanding that you both had about it. You also need to find out just what you would have been entitled to for child support payments. You may discover that your child support payments could have been much righer than what you worked out with this man for rent purposes. Since this rumpus wants you moved out, it's time now to put back into place the child support and make it clear that you want the support money each and every month on a certain day and you may even want it deposited to your checking account. This support has to meet every need that your son has. Don't back down. If you don't aim high, you won't even hit the middle.
Let's continue on. As you know, you can't tell this man to spend time with his son if he doesn't want to. You'll be lucky if you get a dime out of him unless you take him back to court. This man looks at the situation as not being a legal arrangement, therefore, he feels he has no emotional ties with you and his son. He is looking at his son as an extension of you and not as a separate person. Unfortunately, he did assist in creating a wonderful young man. The more you fret over him not spending time with his son, the more your son is going to pick up on your emotional state. Mandy, let this rumpus go. He's not worth your fretting over him. Yes, I realize you are concerned about your son, but what would you do if this man had died? Your son's father wouldn't have been in the picture and you would have had to pick up the pieces and move on w/o him in your life. This is the exact way that you have to look at him for now--he's gone, he doesn't want to be involved in his son's life unless the son kisses the ground his father and wifey walk on. Is this any way to gain the love, respect and admiration of his son? I don't think so. Right now, your son is so much better off w/o this man in his life. Some day, your former companion will figure out that he screwed up royally and then it's going to be either too late or awfully hard for them to reconnect. Time will tell on that one.
You are packed with no where to go. I realize that you are probably not working, but do not rely on this man to locate a new home for you. Start looking in the papers, ask around, do you have family that can assist you in relocating? Get moving. It's time to become as independent as you can so that you don't have to rely on this man for anything. It's time to severe what control he has had over your lives and show him and the world that you can make it on your own and successfully survive. Why should you and your son receive pittance in the way on monetary funding and attention from this man? You and your son deserve better and that means you are going to have to step up to the plate and be both parents and take care of yourselves. I'm afraid that this man is totally into himself and his new wife and really, at this time, doesn't give a fig about what he's walked away from. This is one of ones that I really could throttle, but it would do no good at this time.
Mandy, dig very deep for you are going to need faith and patience for a while. Pull yourself up, stand up tall and show this rumpus you and your son will thrive and survive w/o him in your lives.
It's time to be pro-active and not wait on him for anything from this day forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I thankyou all for your replies and special thanks to snodderly for checking in on me, yes as you say snodderley that was the arrangement that I didnt pay him rent in exchange for him not paying me any child support, he as gone back on that and told his solicitor that I signed a very legal form called a tenancy agreement this is a legal binding contract to pay him rent I never signed it. We will be ok son and I are looking forward to moving and it isn't that what bothers us, it is the fact that 2 years down the road this monster still keeps stirring crap up for us, I have had the child support onto me this morning as I phoned and asked why he wasn't paying any money, and yes he as told the child support people he is on benefits, he as been in work a full year now, I just cannot wait to move out and get shut of him for good, this is nowhere near at all the man I knew. you know what I have thought many a time I wish he'd have died instead at least if that had happened he wouldn't keep bobbing up with his crap, and I am not a nasty person and I shoudn't say that, but I think it would have been better
Seek legal advice ... they will find out how long he has been working, what he earns, etc. In Canada, if two people have lived together for more than a year, they are considered common law spouses, and are entitled to the same rights as any other spouse. Is this not the same in England (I might be wrong, but I seem to remember that that's where you live)? If it is, then you are entitled to half the house, half of everything, plus spousal support, and child support. Do not pussyfoot around ... get what is owing to you, fair and square. If he says you signed something, then he needs to produce the proof, and you will be able to see if he forged your signature. In which case, that is fraud, and he could go to jail ... wouldn't that be nice for his new wifey?
Now is not the time to be nice (especially since you don't want him back). You need to fight for your and your son's rights.
Good luck with the move. Remember the old saying - "the best revenge is a life well lived". So true!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
