Mickey, I always love to read the things you write. What you said is SO TRUE. I think sometimes MLC is confused with selfishness, I do think its possible to have both intertwined, but I think someone has to be pretty selfish or self-centered to do what they do in an MLC, hence that is why some go through this and others do not. I think what you said also rings home, once they recognize the error of thier ways, its easier to just go on rather than admit they did wrong. I think we need to remember that its not in the human nature to admit wrong, its always easier to move on regardless of the outcome. I think that is what you have more often times than not when dealing with an MLCer.
I did see some of H's selfishness when it came to time and affection before now. His mother is a very selfish woman and she taught that to her children. She is very materialistic and demanding and excludes those who she does not consider her family. She recently had knee surgery and not one of her three children came to visit her in the hospital. H said "But I would have to take off work." If H and I were together, I would have been there for her.
I talked to a minister's wife this weekend and on hearing only that my husband left she said "Some people are givers and some are takers. He is a taker. If you look back you will see that he was like this all along and you didn't see it because you loved him." I think there is some truth in this.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
[quote=braveheart]Mickey, I always love to read the things you write.
Thank you Braveheart...that was a kind thing to say. I only paraphrased what you were initially trying to say tho. I have kept up with this thread but was uncertain until recently how I felt about it. It has taken me a few weeks to think the concept through and decide for myself. I have been told that I think too much...by the opposite sex of course....and we know what that means. LOL. Just do what I tell you and don't think too much.
It is true that it is not in the human nature to admit wrong...but doesn't it take a better person to do this very thing. Isn't this what we need to teach our children to admit when you're wrong and hold your head up and do the right thing. This builds character...this trait is very lacking in this world. I can't remember my 'ex' ever saying the words 'I'm sorry.'
i guess thats why I choose to believe this is MLC...my H was never selfish.....it has been like he has become a totally opposite of who he was.....saying things one never thought you would here him say....low self esteem...definitely...the mask he wore was to hide that, ...always talking the talk and walking the walk of a made self assured person....caught up with him in the end..and its what made him a target for OW who was on the hunt for a meal ticket away from her H. Guess that is what makes the whole damn thing so sad. He was a wonderful person that i loved from the depths of my heart. I too think he wont have what it takes to face up to the "wrong" and do the work with in to surface.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I think you do have an MLC'er. This is the difference that we have attempted to explain. It seems he has a lot of guilt and he is 'split' within his personality. I am a psychology major. Just enough to make me dangerous. LOL.
I believe your h realizes his mistakes...ours are just the type of people who make decisions based on themselves...they are more 'comfortable' with being selfish and deceitful. Your h does not appear to be comfortable with doing what he is doing. This may be why YOU are seeing such opposites with him. He appears to be struggling with right and wrong. Mine didn't struggle. He based his decisions on what was best for him.
I wish he would do the work and come home....still very much in replay living with OW and going thru D process. The things that get me are his ability to to compartmentalize things into parallel universes to avoid them.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I understand but do you think he can do this for very long. I have no way of knowing...but do you believe he can maintain this w/o it coming out in other ways. I guess this remains to be seen. You know what the suggestions on the board are for yourself. Try to do special things for you...live and grow. I wasted a lot of time hurting. It did not change him or the process he needed to go through.
Hi Mickey....I think mine had done the same .....HE fell in love, HE wanted out, HE couldn't find the passion and love for me anymore, HE sees no other way, HE is happy now !
I guess this qualifies as selfish........
Then the other side, he has never made as much time for the kids as now, he is kind and tries hard to do all the things I ask of him, he wants me to be happy too !
Does this then qualify as GUILT ??
Thanks Mickey !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Your assessment of him is more accurate than someone elses. It is quite possible that you have summed things up with what he has done. It took me a long time to accept this about mine.
He tried to stay in my life out of guilt as well...money, doing things around the house. I read about your trip and happy that you did have fun...for a while things like this will be melancholy...but it is so important to continue for yourself.
