Schools Out for the Summer!

[galing]

I understand what you are saying. But you are coming at it from the lense of a man who wants his marriage to work and sees a way of that happening. My H is very clear on what I want. He actually said that to me several times this week. He is sick of hearing it. He knows I don't want the divorce. I have said it, written it, and he has told me he knows. He knows what I would need from him to work on it. I sent him a list. I was told it was seen as me trying to control him. My needs are seen as controlling features. He can't or doesn't wish to meet my needs. He doesn't see a way out of it. He believes he could be happier with someone else some day because sees no way that I could meet his needs. I can't change that.

I appreciate what you are saying but I have done that. He just can't meet me there and I can't accept less. It is what it is.

[inspiredjulie]

good morning little d... have a great day, sista!

[swashy]

Dana - that's fine. Making sure that he knows what you would expect to save the M isn't for him...it is for you. I wouldn't want to see you walk away without laying your cards on the table. If you feel like you have put them out there and that he understands them...than that is all I care about. It's all about closure darling. And in no way should you ever accept less...just don't expect it all at once either.

[galing]

So just to have all my thoughts in one place... these are the needs that I think my H and I failed at in our marriage.

His Needs:
1) Words of affirmation. He needed praise and affection for tasks completed and to really feel that his wife adored him and was passionate about him.
2) Physical Touch: Not just ML but he needed again to feel like I was really passionate about him by running to the door when he came home, kissing him more, hugging him, and just touching him more.
3) Time together: he needed more quality time together where we just did nothing or played a sport or something (non-talking time)

My needs:
1) Acts of Service: I needed someone to be my partner and do things around the house and for our future to show me love in a way that I would feel love and trust
2) Qaulity time: I needed time talking, about dreams, plans, our lives, and just debating and discussing anything and everything.
3) Affirming words and touches

We didn't understand our needs and didn't communicate them appropriately, I was often dominate while he was passive, he sought too much of his individual happiness from the marriage while I didn't seak enough (I accepted mediocrity as a norm in marriage). We handled our needs not being met by me being critical and eventually acting with contempt, me working way to hard and putting my energies elsewhere and eventually not really even being each other's friends and people we could count on. He withdrew emotionally and didn't communicate his needs or his feelings and then sought comfort in someone else. Additionally, the way I expressed my needs was seen as controlling. This was partly due to maybe how I stated them but also due to him seeing things through a lense of control that may have only a small part to do with me.

I'm of course making assumptions about his part as that is all I can do when you can't discuss it together. Don't need feedback on this :), I'm just trying to release some of the issues this week and document them and understand them so I can learn from them and move forward.

[swashy]

Well you are going to get a comment!

I think it is awesome. This is exactly the kind of aware and accepting thinking that makes us grow. Kudos kid!

[JustDontKnow]

galing,

Just wanted to let you know I passed your story that you posted this morning to a female co-worker who just seperated from her husband (who is and has been with one or more OW) and she was touched by your post and replied to my email with "Thank you for this."

Take care,
-JDK

[forever21]

Yep, you are doing just great girl! Thanks for journaling all that you did here this morning. Good work! You sound like you're in a really great place. I'm so happy for you.

[Rob1231]

You're doing terrific, Dana. Love seeing your last few posts - shows that, no matter what happens with the R, you are gonna be AWESOME for a very long time to come! Hugs!

[galing]

Had a pretty good day.

Took the doggie to the vet, met a woman from church for lunch (someone a few years older than me that the church hooked me up with to meet with every so many weeks for support), watered plants, talked with a friend, bought a bunch of new piano music and practiced, and went to a friend's house to do her a favor and water her plants. All in all a decent day. I really liked the woman the church hooked me up with. I think it will be a great match and just someone to get to know better. She has been divorced herself after an emotionally abusive relationship and had 2 kids in that marriage.

Felt good all day, but could feel the tiredness come on in the last half hour and that wave of sadness hit. That feeling of, "I feel like those vows we made meant nothing to him and all the words and promises he made meant nothing and that just really sucks and feels like dirt." I'm sure that feeling is bound to come and go. That feeling of ishy despair that he doesn't want to give me and the marriage and himself a chance, that he threw me away, and that feeling that it all meant nothing. I'm sure someday I'll look back and find moments where he loved me and feel good about them but right now that is difficult to do.

Anyway, I am doing pretty well considering... the moments are bound to come and go, and if they didn't, I'd be worried about myself and that I was in denial.

Think I'm feeling it a little too because I know all of H's family and H are at a family wedding tonight. Feel sad about not being in the family anymore and sad thinking about weddings. I think it will be awhile until I can go to a wedding and feel okay about it.

Anyway, a friend is on her way over to hang out and Hitch is on tv so I think I'll go do some laughing.

[forever21]

Hey galing. Thanks for being there for me today. Sounds like a good day overall. I know that feeling. It's normal and you are human. Hope you have a happy ending to your day. You certainly are worth someone giving you a long-term commitment. You will find that. I've no doubt. And it will be with someone who has as much to offer as you do. I too thought it'd be too hard to go to a wedding, but I went to one just last month and it was really nice. The cake was really good too. Gotta love life.