It was a good day. Did lots of reading outside and had a masters class tonight.
Finished the book Crazy Time. It was an interesting read. Good book about the crazy things we do during the time of separation, divorce, ending of marriage, etc. Makes you feel a little better I guess in knowing that these crazy things are pretty common in human nature for most people going through this. It was also a good read because I feel like for the most part, I'm out of that crazy time and have already gone through a lot of that mess and have moved on to a much better place where my self esteem is place and I can begin to really flourish and continue to grow as a result of all of this. This has been the best and worst year of my life. I found a new me but unfortunately, the motivating force to begin doing that was losing the man I love.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Oh.. I got two really great compliments today too that made me feel great.
A new friend sent me an email that said, "We haven't spent very much time together but you have such a positive light and glow. I have enjoyed the time we've had together."
A friend from my masters program that I haven't seen in about a year and a half (who I had drinks with the other night and is in my current summer class) told me tonight "Wow, you really are a whole new Dana. I like this new Dana a lot. You calm me and help me keep perspective" She was talking about some school stuff and how stressed she was about it and I totally put it in a perspective for her that calmed her down. In the past, I would have been uptight about things too and had a feeling of urgency or stress but I take life in such a different stride now a days and realize what is and isn't worth getting worked up about and what is or isn't important to me.
Good stuff. It's nice when you know your changes are "real" and becoming a true part of your self.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
It was like the scene out of a movie. I was momentarily a crazy person. It was almost as if I had lost all control of my body, mind, and heart, and the pain just took over. It was 12:30 in the morning, and I was throwing everything my husband owned out onto the lawn of our house. I didn't want him in the house anymore, and I didn't want anything he owned there either. I called his brother, who he had been staying with for a week, to come and get his things. I called his parents and told them their son was still cheating on me. I called the other woman and told her over and over again in messages that I hated her, begged her to stay out of our lives, and asked her repeatedly if she was in love with my husband.
It was November 13. I was 20 pounds lighter, couldn't eat or sleep most days, the man that used to adore me now yelled and swore at me constantly and treated me with complete contempt. I had lost all self confidence and self esteem, felt completely shattered and that my life was over.
Five months earlier, I had found out he was having an emotional affair with a younger woman. One week after that, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. We had to make it work and said we would. Six weeks later, I miscarried that baby. A part of me blamed my husband and the mistrust he caused for the miscarriage. He was on a business trip in another state when I started cramping and bleeding and because of his lies and deception, I was stressed beyond my capacity. I don't think I'll ever forget the day I had the DNC. I will always remember that he had his cell phone on and was getting text messages as I lie on the table, feeling broken, and preparing for one of the worst moments of my life. I often wonder now, if he wasn't texting with her.
The affair had never ended. It had been going on throughout the summer and the fall. After I threw him out, he stayed at his brothers for six weeks, and then two days after Christmas, he came back home to stay in the house while I was away, and he didn't leave. I thought he came back to work on the marriage. I was wrong. We went to marriage counseling and individual counseling but six months later, he still had not recommitted to our marriage, still yelled at me constantly, still kept his cell phone by his side at all times and hidden from me, and was emotionally and verbally abusive. He told me that he didn't love me and didn't want to work on the marriage. I no longer recognized him or myself. I asked him to leave again, to separate, until he could decide what he wanted to do. He didn't love me but he also didn't want to let me or the marriage go.
The separation was the best thing for me. I began living again. Almost instantly, I could feel myself beginning to heal. I began to focus on me. I joined a church, a volleyball team, and a yoga studio. I began inviting people over for parties and started a monthly card club at my house. I made new friends, rekindled with old ones, bought new clothes for my new body, continued counseling and began to heal. There were still moments of great sadness, longing for the marriage we once had, and disbelief, but I was beginning to rebuild and rediscover myself.
I read books about separation, divorce, and relationships, and took responsibility for my portion of the breakdown of our marriage. I realized that we failed in meeting each other's needs from very early on in our marriage. We didn't know our needs, didn't communicate them, and didn't love each other in a manner that the other could understand or equate to feeling loved. It is something that is fixable and common in marriages, but it requires recognition, maturity, work, and commitment. The affair, I realized, was a symptom of many other marital problems. I strangely, I think, understand now why it happened.
My husband and I didn't speak for a month. Then, unannounced, he showed up at the door. He still couldn't look me in the eye, still cried when he talked to me, and seemed downright depressed. He said he still didn't know what to do or what he wanted. He still wasn't willing to work on it, yet not willing to let go either. He said he wanted to get to know me again by spending time together here and there. I thought I could do that. Really though, he was still determining if he wanted to give it a try, and that wasn't enough for me. It turned out, my confidence and self esteem were back and I had changed into a much better person and wife. I wanted more and deserved more. Our marriage deserved more and so did my my husband. It wasn't enough for me anymore to just know he might want me. I wanted the commitment we had vowed to and he wanted to be married and date with no strings attached. I asked him to let me go, and he agreed.
Two days ago, he said that he will file for divorce. I am not sure if he'll go through with it or not. It isn't what I want and I don't agree with it, yet it is a relief. I have been firm through all of this that I stand for marriage. I believe in my vows, I want to be married, and I want to work on the marriage. I want us both to be committed to marriage and work on it and love each other in the way that we each need to be loved. I realize however that I can't do that alone. I don't think he's ready or capable of that and I don't know if he ever will be. I will wait for him to file, but I am moving forward in my life. I will not bare the pain and responsibility throughout my life of ending our marriage when that isn't the outcome I want. The marriage is over, the vows have been broken, and he does not wish to repair them. There is no marriage without commitment from both parties. At times I feel like a failure, and in other moments, I feel like a hero.
This has been the best and worst year of my life. It has been an awakening. I have learned so much about myself and I am strangely happier now than I have ever been in regards to the person I am and who I am becoming. I will no longer accept mediocrity in my life but I am constantly setting goals for myself, reaching them, and then setting new goals. I have a light about me, a spirit of energy. I truly love the woman I am becoming and the life I'm making for myself. It is the best year of my life in that I have rediscovered and rebuilt myself, but the worst year in that I had to lose the man I love in order to awaken and make those changes.
Losing the man you love and your hopes and dreams and that life you built together, shakes you to the core. It is also a blessing because it causes you to look at what is truly important and to rebuild your life to live it in the manner you truly wish to be living. We should all be doing that already, but so often, we aren't. I know I wasn't. So while I no longer have my marriage, I do now have me. That is something to rejoice about.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Hey Dana...very well said. Couple of things as I read through it. The first part of what you wrote talks about what he did wrong. You talk about throwing his stuff in the lawn, etc...but you don't talk about what you did in regards to the breakdown of the M. Which is fine...I just find it interesting.
Second, you seem to have a pretty clear understanding of what you would need from him if it were to ever work. Does he know this? I get the sense that he is going for the D...not because he wants to...but because you want to be "released". He is doing it FOR you. So perhaps neither of you want it...you just don't know where to go from here.
"Hey Dana...very well said. Couple of things as I read through it. The first part of what you wrote talks about what he did wrong. You talk about throwing his stuff in the lawn, etc...but you don't talk about what you did in regards to the breakdown of the M. Which is fine...I just find it interesting."
Yep... was starting at the affair with my journaling story. What I did wrong happened before that (not that I handled the affair correctly, but regarding helping our marriage deteriorate to that point). I think I talked about that in my posts yesterday. I didn't meet his needs. And I didn't communicate mine effectively. And I retreated then in ways that were unhealthy and made the marriage break down further.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
"Second, you seem to have a pretty clear understanding of what you would need from him if it were to ever work. Does he know this? I get the sense that he is going for the D...not because he wants to...but because you want to be "released". He is doing it FOR you. So perhaps neither of you want it...you just don't know where to go from here. "
I've tried to tell him. I understand where you are going with this. I appreciate it. Again, it leads me to false hope. He isn't ready or able to work on it. So I can tell him and guide him regarding what I need, but he can't or doesn't want to meet those needs. He doesn't want to "let me go" and it will be hard for him, yet he always seems to feel it is what he needs to do because he isn't capable of more. That is my understanding of it and I accept that.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Good! Done. Just my belief that we don't grow if we simply blame others and don't look at ourselves. And unfortunately I see a lot of people on this board who do that. I know you have looked at yourself, we've talked about it a lot...but as things deteriorate I think it is easy to lose that and even forget it.
Overlap. Ok...cool. "Trying" to tell him and telling him may be different things. Men are stupid creatures. Woman communicate on a whole different planet then we do. You guys are able to read between the lines and I think most women say things between the line, expecting us to get it. We don't! We're stupid like that.
I know that it would be hard to do this without expectations. However, perhaps it would make sense to send him an email saying that you don't really want a divorce but that unless things change, you simply see no other way out of this. If he also does not want a divorce then this is what needs to happen....and lay out a list of bullet points. Let him know that there are no guarantees but that if there is to be even a chance of this working...that is what he needs to do.
I say this because I feel like my W has kind of stood on the sidelines judging me. Not telling me what she needs or wants...but standing there watching to see if I can figure it out. I told her three months ago - tell me what you need in order to figure this out. I never got that answer. And she may feel like she did...but I can't read between the lines.
