Glad you're handling things well. I have to say...I sort of agree with Swashy. I think he's doing the D b/c he thinks he'll never make you happy. He expressed his feelings...whatever it is, he interprets your needs as controlling. Now, those are HIS feelings, not yours, but you have to ask yourself, Why?
You'd emailed me about some things H had done lately...and I'm wondering if your avoidance is what makes him think he can't measure up so a D is what's necessary. I don't know.
What I do know is you have to take care of yourself and be at peace with whatever happens. Just thoughts I had...no judgment, just thoughts, okay sweetie?
Be happy, be well.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I think he's doing the D b/c he thinks he'll never make you happy. He expressed his feelings...whatever it is, he interprets your needs as controlling. Now, those are HIS feelings, not yours, but you have to ask yourself, Why?
You'd emailed me about some things H had done lately...and I'm wondering if your avoidance is what makes him think he can't measure up so a D is what's necessary. I don't know.
Maybe.... if so, I can't read his mind and that isn't why he is saying he's getting the divorce. He says it is because I will never meet his needs. I can't be a mind reader, I can't advocate for him, I can't fix him. He has to do that for him. All I can do is tell him I love him and want the marriage to work and believe it can. And I do and I have. If he feels he can't measure up, I believe it is because he has not yet forgiven himself, doesn't respect himself, etc. and I can't fix that for him. Those are his demons he has to deal with and if he thinks he can and wants to continue being married to me, he has to speak up and ask for the time and space to do that and actually be working through it. He has stopped going to counseling. He says he has fixed all that needs to be fixed and is happy. I did put myself out there after avoiding him that one weekend and getting scared, and he pretty much blew me off. It felt like a game and I just couldn't do that.
Why does he see my needs as controlling? I think for many reasons. I think because he has felt controlled throughout our marriage because he was passive and I was agressive. I ended up making most of the decisions and being the leader. Even regarding the divorce, he asked me how to go about it and how to get a lawyer and who he should use, etc. He looks to me to run his life and make his decisions. I told him he needed to figure that out himself. I also had too high of expectations often in our marriage and was too judgemental. He couldn't measure up... that was my fault. I am sorry for that and I believe I have changed. The therapist also believes it has to do with his upbringing and I agree based on things we talked about in marriage counseling this summer. He felt controlled by his dad growing up. He didn't have a say, didn't have an opportunity to express his feelings and thoughts, and was controlled in a sense.
I know you aren't judging... those were just your thoughts, so I don't mean to sound defensive. It's just frustrating. Frustrating because then I feel like in a sense you guys are teling me that I'm causing him to file for divorce when that isn't the outcome I want, but really I can't fix him and be true to myself and get the outcome I want.
So, I'm just trying to accept it. Maybe he knows he never will be able to move past this and meet my needs. So maybe in a way he is right if that is his reasoning.
Who knows... I can't read his mind to find out so I just have to go off of doing what is best for me and what is best for me is to continue to be true to me and that means, I do expect more of him if he wants to spend time with me. And he said he doesn't want to give that.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
I think I needed to hear that. I put a lot of pressure on myself in all of this and second guess myself a lot and I just need to believe in me and be true to myself. Just hearing sometimes from others that hint of maybe i'm causing this (or that is how i can read it) just kills me because i already put so much of it on my shoulders. Your words actually reminded me of my counselor. he he.
I'm at my parent's house. When I got here my grandparents (both 91) were here and my aunt and uncle. My grandma starting asking me about my H. That was hard to take. I just told her I'm doing fine and changed the subject. My aunt pulled me aside later though. She wanted to tell me that she had heard bits and pieces and that regardless, she loves me and she wants me to know that I shouldn't feel ashamed or anything and the family will always welcome me and not to think twice about what others will think. I think she knows from her own failures or struggles in life how you can feel around family and it was actually very nice to hear. I have been scared to be around my relatives in many ways because I do feel like a failure and I do feel embarrased I think by what has happened.
Being around my family is always hard for me, harder than being in the metro area by myself. For the last 10 years, I have been part of a couple around them and it is hard to redefine your relationship with your parents and your family as a single person. This is a natural feeling I'm sure and just part of the process. My counselor and I have talked about it. Plus is always makes me miss my H and what we had I think. I think he was almost more a part of my family than his own.
So been battling between my rational brain and my heart a little today. My brain knows the right answers but my heart still sometimes says "why am i not good enough for him," "maybe i can't meet his needs like he says," "maybe he will be happier with someone else." i know these aren't rational things yet at times the heart goes there and i get sad and have to work through it. in the end though, i know i'll be okay.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
"why am i not good enough for him," "maybe i can't meet his needs like he says," "maybe he will be happier with someone else." i know these aren't rational things yet at times the heart goes there and i get sad and have to work through it. in the end though, i know i'll be okay.
Dana....even if he could be happier with someone else and even if you can't meet his needs.....that does not mean that you are not "good enough" for him. Honestly Dana...I think you are simply too strong, too independent, too "good" for him right now. And that is about him. Maybe right now he wants a weak women that he can dominate and be what he feels is a "man" with. Maybe he needs that so that he can make himself feel better about himself. That doesn't mean that you should become that for him. You need a man that can appreciate and strong woman...and he doesn't seem capable of that right now because of his own self esteem issues. Not your problem hun. And frankly...you don't want to meet his needs if those are what they are. You shouldn't have to (and wouldn't) compromise yourself for him.
So been battling between my rational brain and my heart a little today. My brain knows the right answers but my heart still sometimes says "why am i not good enough for him," "maybe i can't meet his needs like he says," "maybe he will be happier with someone else." i know these aren't rational things yet at times the heart goes there and i get sad and have to work through it. in the end though, i know i'll be okay.
Hey dana, long time no posts here. I am sorry about that....
Look, one of the things that I have come to realize throughout this whole process is that we, being good people, naturally have these feelings. We have to wonder why we were not good enough to make them happy. We internally know we are good people, we know that we have the love inside of us for these other individuals, we wonder why that was not enough.
It wasn't enough because of their weekness, their failure to demand more from us when they needed it. Their inability to communicate their needs and give us the opportunity to rise to the occasion and be the amazing people that we are. I mean look at how high we have risen once the gauntlet was truly laid down before us. I said to my wife on more than one occasion, if you had just tossed me to the curb and given me a chance before you chose to leave, wow, how amazing we could have been.
So yes, we did not do all that we could have for our spouses, but like any other job, sometimes you need to be given the job details and requirements so that you can either choose to meet them, or find another job.
Dana, you already know what an incredible woman I think you are. I will repeat it again to you, the only one who doubts you is you. Believe in yourself and the amazing person that you are. You were good enough, and wen he chose to walk away, you showed that you could have been better if he would have just showed you what he needed.
Hey girl. I put a lot of pressure on myself too. It's work to take responsibility and continue to stand for your M, while at the same time stand up for yourself. I don't like failure either and perfectionism comes to mind. Here's a link that may be useful to many of you reading this, even if it doesn't apply to you galing... coping.org's perfectionism
It's not easy to keep putting ourselves out there with the WAS. When interactions don't bring you closer, it doesn't mean you caused the outcome... and in the long run it may not have served you best anyway to have brought the WAS closer to you in the short-term. I think you are setting the tone for how you expect to be treated... and that's a good thing. I recognize this because this is exactly what my C has me doing.
At the same time, I think it's good to be able to observe and reflect upon the results we're getting. Sometimes there is something we can do different to push the wheel in a forward motion. Of course this doesn't serve you well if you are going to feel like a failure, or like it is your fault, if/when it doesn't work.
I know exactly what you're talking about with it being hard around family. I just spent a lot of time around family with my grandpa's death and it wasn't easy... just ask Julie. How nice that your aunt is so understanding. Sounds like she offered you great support. I know how that can make you miss your H too. I recognized that being around family had caused me to start feeling more hopeful again, which wasn't great for me. I hope you can take the positives and enjoy your family.
I agree that you are too good for your H right now. I think he didn't do a good job at getting his own needs met in your M. And you know that he will only be happy when he figures out how to make himself happy.
Yep, you will be ok.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Thanks everyone for the support again. I really appreciate it. I think it is just going to be a rollercoaster at times, at times when the heart and brain fight to see which one will win out, but the lows are less frequent and quicker and I can deal. Part of the healing process. If I didn't feel them, I think that would be a bad thing. Overall, I know I'm doing pretty great.
Spent time with the family this weekend which was nice. The nieces and nephews are really growing up and just turning into great people. Golfed with my dad on Father's Day which was really fun. We rode in the cart together and I talked with him about some of my fears right now and he did a great job of validating and telling me how crazy some of those thoughts were and how great he thinks I am. My family knows I have flaws, better than anyone else, and they understand that marriage is about loving someone and accepting their flaws and working on things together to ensure you are individually happy and happy as a couple. So, although it was hard to be around them, it was good too.
Had coffee with my MIL yesterday. That was fine I think. Saw one of my best friends yesterday who I haven't seen for a while because she is pregnant and has been really sick and that was nice too. Last night I had volleyball. We lost all three games but we had a lot of fun. One of the girls brought beer in a cooler and after the game a few of us just hung out by the lake and drank and laughed for 2 hours. I had the best time!
Class tonight, a concert tomorrow night, and then class again on Th. H and I may get together this weekend. He said he'd like to talk before doing anything. I think the more we can talk and keep an open line of communication through things, the better for us both so I'm open to that. I think I'm really coming to a place of acceptance and that is making it easier to talk to him about what went wrong and what the next steps are. That's a good thing. I have to keep remembering though not to reflect too much. That might sound wierd but I tend to really analyze myself and my mistakes and then I take all the blame for this which is silly since it did take two and in the end, he is the one who walked away and wasn't open to giving it another try. So I know I can't do that and that isn't fair to myself or to him to do.
Just got a call from BIL (on Hs side). Going to meet him and my two nieces for lunch. It will be nice to see the girls.
Enjoy your day, Dana
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
You sound good Dana. Things are falling into place for you because you are making good choices for yourself. Stay on that road. You sound very open and at peace...good stuff.
I've been kind of quiet but following along through your sitch and wanted to let you know again how well I think you're doing - not just dealing with the crap but also taking care of yourself and taking all of this and doing your best to make....yes here it comes....LEMONADE.
As far as the self-reflection and analysis, I don't think there's one person around here who hasn't done that, many times over. There's nothing unusual about it, as long as you don't second-guess yourself into craziness, which obviously I don't think you're doing. Liek I just said - through the pain and hurt of something like this, at the very least we learn a ton about ourselves. You already have, and continue. Great to see. Keep up the good work!
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
