Schools Out for the Summer!

[care]

Hi Dana,
From the sounds of it, you've just got your sh!t together. I couldn't find a better way to say it though.

Have a good time at lunch with BIL and your nieces.

[galing]

So, I was just eating my fruity pepples, in my pjs, at 10 in the morning, in a house, I live in by myself and I was thinking....

I kind of really like being single (for now). Now of course, my life is about to drastically change at some point here since I won't be able to have all summer off, live alone, etc. when I try to own the house by myself (at least I don't think so) but I'm going to cross that bridge when I come to it and enjoy the freedom right now. There are times of lonliness, etc. but as a whole there are quite a few benefits to being alone too. Trying to focus on those.

[forever21]

Hey galing...

It does sound like you are doing SO well. Yes, gotta love hangin' out by yourself in your own home enjoying some tasty breakfast in the late morning. I'm doing the same thing right now. The sun is shining in and I have a cup of steaming hot french press coffee sitting next to me. Perfect company. Glad to hear you've had so many positive experiences the last couple days and are out enjoying yourself, just having a good time. Sounds like the time golfing with your dad on Sunday turned out to be extra nice. Enjoy your lunch today.

[galing]

Just got back from lunch. It was so great to see the kids. And it was just nice to feel "normal." My BIL is the type of guy that can talk for hours and about anything so I didn't feel like there was an elephant in the room the whole time but rather that it was just Dana and her BIL and her nieces hanging out and all was right with the world. It feels good to know that I will be able to continue to have a relationship with my extended family even if they are no longer my legal family someday and that will happen because I want it to because I care about them and because they want it to because they care about me and want me in their children's lives. Obviously the whole family doesn't feel that way (haven't spoken to H's brother in months) but to know that the nieces and nephews and I have a shot at a good relationship in the future is really nice. I feel good about that and know it is for the right reasons.

Having an interesting day in my head. I think I'm realizing the following, I couldn't let go of my marriage until I knew it was dead. We talk about lovingly detaching on here etc. and I don't think I was truly capable of that until now. Now, knowing it is over, I have this sense of calm, of freedom, of liberation to know I am not responsible for his happiness (which rationally I knew I shouldn't and couldn't be yet I felt I was) and really truly knowing in my gut that I can't control the outcome because it isn't in my control to fix and I can't fix his pain for him. For so long, everything I did felt like it was under a microscope and every move I made, every phone call, every text, every visit, every email, every action and reaction felt like they were all so important to getting my husband back or not. I have to tell you that I feel relief and freedom now in knowing that I'm acting and reacting for me and not because I'm wondering how he'll react or what he needs or wants or if it will get him to come home or not. I don't think I was capable of truly letting go until I knew for sure that he wasn't coming back. I don't know if that is about me and a flaw in myself or just because I cared too much and wanted it too badly, but I really get now that even though I have changed, and even though I know what I did wrong in the marriage and have really looked at that and I'm working on those imperfections, that regardless, it wouldn't be enough for him right now because it is too late for him to be open to my love (at least at this time), that he isn't healed yet and doesn't know how or when he will be, or something. And really, even though that makes me sad, I can't control that or change it and I therefore am accepting it and knowing that I am great, I do have flaws, I did make mistakes, but I am improving myself, I will never be perfect, and someone someday will truly love me despite my imperfections and will want to build something great with me that is lasting.

[galing]

Was just relooking at some of Michelle's articles on the first page. This is from "What to Ask When Tying the Knot." Good stuff!

Regardless of your level of compatibility, conflict in marriage is inevitable. One of the most important things you need to know is whether your partner can stand the heat. Will s/he be willing to get help when the going gets tough. Is s/he willing to take a marriage education class to learn the necessary skills to get and keep your marriage on track or back on track? Would s/he be willing to go to a qualified marriage counselor or speak to your pastor or rabbi? And if you’re going to talk, talk about the taboo, x-rated subjects. Discuss infidelity, infertility, aging parents, job layoffs, unexpected illnesses or deaths. Talk about the hard stuff. Does your partner know that over two thirds of what couples argue about in marriage is unresolvable? Does s/he know the predictable transitional stages that ALL marriages go through regardless of how much couples love each other? Does your mate know that while marriage is still one of the greatest institutions on earth, it’s not for the faint of heart? In fact, it’s damn hard work. And since it only takes one person to end a marriage, you might want to ask your partner, “Under what circumstances would you feel that our marriage would be over?” I know this question isn’t pretty or romantic, far from it, but since most divorces are unilateral decisions, it might help to know what might prompt your spouse to call it quits. It could be a deal breaker.

So, here’s the bottom line from the Divorce Buster. Don’t place too much weight on those compatibility quizzes. Be more impressed with your partner’s level of commitment. With the right attitude and adequate set of relationship skills, even the quirkiest of personality differences or opposing life goals can be worked through. Know your prospective partner’s willingness to stay the course even when love isn’t easy.

[swashy]

Good stuff Dana...thank you.

[Rob1231]

Dana, you sound so wonderful right now. I'm sorry it took this kind of finality for that to happen for you - but I'm very glad that you have reached this point at last! Bravo!

[forever21]

Hi girl. You are sounding good. A couple things stuck out for me here. I'm SO glad you are feeling a sense of calm, and that you are acting and reacting for YOU. That is GREAT!

I don't think I was capable of truly letting go until I knew for sure that he wasn't coming back. I don't know if that is about me and a flaw in myself or just because I cared too much and wanted it too badly, but I really get now that even though I have changed, and even though I know what I did wrong in the marriage and have really looked at that and I'm working on those imperfections, that regardless, it wouldn't be enough for him right now because it is too late for him to be open to my love (at least at this time), that he isn't healed yet and doesn't know how or when he will be, or something.

I think I know what you mean. I've found it so hard to let go too, and I still backslide in this area. I mean, look at my sitch... hehee. I DON'T think this is a "flaw" though. It has it's pros and cons, sure... but I think we learn to "let go" as we grow. We learn to love in a more mature and healthy way. The other thing is... how do you know that it "wouldn't be enough for him right now" or that "it is too late for him to be open to my love"?

Hope you had a great night! Talk later. Peace and love, f21

[galing]

The other thing is... how do you know that it "wouldn't be enough for him right now" or that "it is too late for him to be open to my love"?

I guess I feel I know because he isn't doesn't seem willing to try. He is filing for divorce. He isn't healed (he told me that this week) and I don't know what if any steps he's taking to heal or if he's just running from it by avoiding me and the marriage and addressing his personal issues and marriage issues. I saw him last night. He still seems so angry and in so much pain. He did say he is filing pretty much because even though he isn't sure and doesn't know, he doesn't want to keep stringing me along. I want my marriage to work but I don't know how we are moving at all towards that at this point because he has to heal and I don't know how that can or will happen.

[Fender]

I want my marriage to work but I don't know how we are moving at all towards that at this point because he has to heal and I don't know how that can or will happen.

Oh did you say a mouthful there. To quote HS, "I hear ya clucking big chicken."