Swashy, I think what is important about it, in my opinion (right or wrong and riddled with my own perspective based on my relationship) is that this is a way to help you move forward. Regardless of if you never go out with this woman on an actual date or if you go out on 1-2 dates with her or whatever, this may be one step in helping you accept and move on. I've been reading Crazy Times and Rebuilding lately and they both actually discuss that for some people, it takes getting a spark or glimpse at possibilities out there, before they can move on. Right now, your wife has told you it is over and you are trying to accept that. I think one reason my counselor told me to go out and date men right now (just to have dinners, drinks, coffees or whatever but not get into anything serious) is because I've been lacking attention from the oppositive sex (in a positive way) for a long time and it feels good to get it. Nothing wrong with that if you are happy and confident without it. It also helps you to see that there is life out there after divorce, that there are women out there who you could date, and that they might treat you pretty well (because you haven't been treated so great of recent). It comes down to, your wife told you your marriage is over, the rest is just paperwork. So if you are okay starting to date based on your own beliefs and morals, then do it, by like F21 said think about your boundaries and be proactive in that reflection. This friendship may or may not even take you to a place where your boundaries come into play but good to have them in place first. Be true to you. That is what matters.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Rob - THANK YOU! You have been with me from the start and you have no idea how much that means to me.
Thanks Dana. That sounds pretty much right on the money. As I said earlier...it made me realize that the other side may not be as scary a place as I thouht it would be. She is a good woman who is making me feel good about myself. At this point...I think that is ok.
I know what my boundaries are right now. And those may change as this progresses. I have made my sitch clear to her...so as long as I stay true to my boundaries throughout this and as long as I am honest to her....I think we'll be ok.
Her friend that we went out with Sat night just emailed me asking if the "Family" wanted to come over to her beach house this weekend. I'm sure my "friend" (not sure what else to call her) probably filled her in and this was her way of getting me to let her in. So I did. Told her that I wasn't sure what Michelle was doing but I'd be around Saturday night.
Well I'm off to race my bike tonight. This week I brought my shoes. YAY!
Regardless of if you never go out with this woman on an actual date or if you go out on 1-2 dates with her or whatever, this may be one step in helping you accept and move on.
Not for nothing Swashy, but my definition of a date would be going to dinner and dancing with a female, holding hands, dancing....... So................
well...whether it would be defined as a "date" or not I don't know but I do know I had fun. However, we never did get dinner and I was STARVING by the end of the night.
Not for nothing Swashy, but my definition of a date would be going to dinner and dancing with a female, holding hands, dancing....... So................
So, if you just skip dinner and dancing and holding hands it's not a date. Is that what you're saying, Ian?
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Not for nothing Swashy, but my definition of a date would be going to dinner and dancing with a female, holding hands, dancing....... So................
So, if you just skip dinner and dancing and holding hands it's not a date. Is that what you're saying, Ian?
I suppose it depends on what you are doing in place of those things J. What did you have in mind sweetie??????
Sorry...but Rob's and Ian's posts have had me thinking this evening and I just want to vent for a minute...just a minute. HOW does someone not ask their spouse about their new job? I mean what is that? I take a new job and not once does she ask what I'm doing, how I like it...nothing. I tell her that I'm going for a promotion and she says something along the lines of "well I'm sure he wouldn't give you the opportunity if he didn't think you could do it". Nice to say. But she has never brought it up since. I mean....it is like she is putting in effort NOT to be there for me. Trying so hard to let me down. I just don't understand how someone can be so selfish and so self absorbed.
She sent me a letter once when we were dating. Her dad was going to Ireland and wanted her to go but she didn't want to. And in the letter she started explaining this and her handwriting got really messy and she started say "how could I be so selfish"....then the next paragraph it was all clean again and she said she took a break and was ok. WTF IS THAT?! I remember thinking that it was so weird. Well now I get it. At her core maybe she is just that selfish. And I was raised in a family of selflessness. My parents who have nothing would give us everything. Her parents who have everything would give us nothing. Just so friggin' telling.
You get what to give hun! You give nothing but you expect the world in return. It all revolves around YOU! ME, ME, ME! WTF!
I tried so hard for so many years to give her what she wanted. She never thought about me and my feelings. I was laid off a week before our third son was born. I was really stressed out, taking care of our other two while she was in the hospital and I was freaking out trying to find another job. Was I stressed? YOU BET! But did she come to me and say "It'll be ok, we'll make it work"..something? Anything? NO! I just find out in her C appointment how "I wasn't ther for HER!" What about ME! I always tried to be there for her and she never even tried to be there for me. Gosh...I wonder why I was so unhappy.
Ok...off my soapbox. I'm ok. Deep breaths. Guess I just needed to get that out.
Eddy.... GOOD vent!! I LIKE it! I know what it's like living with a deeply selfish partner. Your life is going to get better.
Ian.... Me, nada. I just thought you might've been trying to suggest something with that statement. Guess I don't give you men enough credit.
Darn J, I was hoping you were hitting on me....
Swashy, great vent, I mean fricken fantastic and very Alaskaish....
Look my friend, somewhere along the way, your wife took a wrong turn and lost sight of what is important in life. She used to think of you all the time when you were dating. You have told me stories of the things she would do for you when she would come and see you, and give you what you needed. She has lost that somewhere.
My best guess, she lost herself when she had the kids. She lost who she was as she became so enthralled in the fact that her role would always just be as a mother and wife and nothing more. She lost sight of the fact that you can be a mom, a wife, and an individual. She must find her own way back to herself and unfortunately that is hard to do as your wife because that you are what reminds her that she is a wife and mother. This is not your fault, it's just reality.
Swashy, I have told you this before, unfortunately us loving them is not enough to give them all that they need sometimes. The problem for you right now is that the way that she is behaving (which in my opinion is atrocious) is not anyone who you would want to be with because as she is now she could not possibly be what you want in a partner. That is a reality that just sucks, but it is a reality that we must face.
I feel bad for your wife my friend. You have worked very hard to rediscover yourself, become a great dad, husband, and man. You have actually passed her right by because she is standing still. That's a very tough place for you to be in because while you were doing all this you thought she would rediscover herself as well. She has not my friend, instead she has woven a cacoon that she feels will protect her from all that she has done. Will she emerge a butterfly, maybe, maybe not. When she does come out of that cacoon, you might still be there for her, or you may have moved on with someone else. If so, her loss....not yours.
It's really just such a shame that she can't wake up and smell the god damn coffee. Realize that she has three prcious little one's that er being affected by her decisions and insecurities. See that her piss poor choices and selfishness are not just affecting you and her, but the kids as well. I have told you before I would love to have her ass in a room for a few hours, just the two of us... I would sure as hell enlighten her as to teh affects of her poor choices. Give her a little lecture about this bandaid fireman boy who has the morals of a big ole pile of dung. Teach her a little lesson about self esteem and realizing that most selfish people are that way because they have such an extreme lack of self esteem that they take it out on the one's that they love.
When you told me about this date Saturday night Scott, I ould hear the happiness in your voice from actually having someone give two rats asses about you. IT fealt so good to hear that tone in your voice and know that you would clearly see that it is possible to have someone who can give you what you deserve and it doesnt neccesarily have to be your wife in the end.
Anyway, sorry about this long tangent here buddy, buut your vent was inspiring to me. I love you bro, and I want nothing but the best for my friend. You deserve to be happy and be loved by someone other than me and ty .
