1. My W stops the divorce proceedings. 2. My W finds Jesus again by going to church and picking up the Bible. 3. Once my W finds Jesus and stops the divorce, she finds me to reconcile our marriage.
My goals for myself: 1. Lovingly detach by not calling, emailing, or being lured into a fight when she calls (because she is angry a lot lately). 2. Pray daily for my W and my relationship, fast once a day every week to show my dedication to God and my marriage. 3. Go to church weekly, go to Bible study, become active in this new church, and find new friends at this church. 4. Watch what I eat, lift weights, and exercise. 5. Keep busy by finding new activities I always wanted to pursue.
Are those proper goals to have, especially for my wife?
TXAggie97
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Obviously, the long-term goal is to have my wife return with the kids. She filed for a legal separation 09/02
My three immediate goals are to:
Make my wife laugh (my sense of humor was one of things she liked) Have her inform me of anything going on at the kids' schools Have extended pleasant conversations beyond "formalities" of exchanging the kids.
Since we are having a settlement conference on Feb. 28, I'm looking to accomplish these goals within the next 7-10 days. Then I can move forward from there. One step at a time. Baby steps... Already I can see that she has mellowed in her discussions with me and that she is actually doing things for ME now (dropping off the kids, returning my video card, asking about the health of my mom). During the first three months of separation, that NEVER happened.
My personal goals are simple: forgive and forget. I'm 95% there. Forget about the influence of the MIL and SisterIL and work on the things that she liked about me originally. Stay healthy, exercise, boost my self-confidence, be cheerful and stay true to the serenity prayer. Daily Mass and rosary have been staples for 3.5 months already.
Make my wife laugh (my sense of humor was one of things she liked)
This is a GREAT one! It's probably one of the most important, yet most overlooked, parts of a relationship. Especially with all the tension that going on under the situation.
What things can you do to "tickle her funny bone", to remind her of this part of you that she liked?
Already I can see that she has mellowed in her discussions with me and that she is actually doing things for ME now (dropping off the kids, returning my video card, asking about the health of my mom). During the first three months of separation, that NEVER happened.
So, it looks like you may have been doing some things already that have been working! What do you think they are? What should you be doing more of?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Read a number of Here's my goals 1) increase communication with H - interaction with a "real conversation" at least once a week. Currently H doesn't talk to me. He's "dark" and he's the one with the EA. 2) Recover PMA more quickly when down 3) Increase displays of affection with H 4) Improve relationships with friends as an individual, not as one of a couple. Don't hole up in the house.
interaction with a "real conversation" at least once a week.
What would you consider a "real conversation" to be? What were they like in the past? What is the best that you would hope for? What would you be satisfied with?
Recover PMA more quickly when down
What things will you do to help recover your PMA? What things do you enjoy? What would you like to try that you haven't done before? What things really give your PMA a boost?
Increase displays of affection with H
What are these displays? What things could you do that by his definition, not yours, would be displays of affection for him?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Here are my goals. I need to add more and rework my old goals to reflect the current situation. I need to break down my relationship goals and my personal goals. I find I have a hard time making myself sit down and make goals even though I know they are critical for success. I wonder if I am scared to make my hopes tangible? I don't know, but I am going to try and refocus and work on preparing better goals. Oh, I refer to my W as HA throughout the goals.
Current Relationship Goals-
Primary (Overarching Goal):
Be in a married relationship with HA where we are both happy, fulfilled, and share equal power/responsibility. I want to build a family with her.
Issues in Relationship (Problems):
·Lack of Passion and Intimacy ·Lack of Ambition and Planning for Our Future Together ·Too Close to Family of Origin ·Poor Communication
Secondary Goal #1: - Lack of Passion and Intimacy
Desired State: To be emotionally and sexually passionate/intimate with HA at a level we are both satisfied with.
Current State: Somewhat awkward friendship. Good conversations about non-intimate, non-relationship topics. Friendly hugs, an occasional kiss on the cheek, an occasional touch on hand or shoulder.
Cause Analysis: The cause can be attributed to several factors:
1.Lack of and/or poor communication (dealt with later in goals)
2.My depression (Working on PMA & Worked out some issues alread)
3.My Resentment (Worked out some issues with C this summer)
4.Lack of Playfulness and Flirting-Fun in our Intimate Life – Stagnation oToo little physical contact – sex, kissing, and holding hands, etc.
Intervention(s):
Intervention for - Lack of Playfulness and Flirting-Fun in our Intimate Life – Stagnation
Flirt ·Touch ·Comment on her looks ·Eye Contact ·Use her name often ·Be emotionally present when with her Make myself new to her – add some mystery ·Do new and unexpected things ·Don’t disclose too much information Make myself really physically attractive ·Workout and dress better
Performance Objective:
When around HA I will increase intimacy through flirting by: ·Touching her in some manner at least 2 times ·Comment on her looks at least once ·Eye Contact whenever I am talking to her oNote think “I love you HA” when looking into her eyes – I believe it will be communicated through my eyes. ·Use her name whenever addressing her. ·Be emotionally present (focused on her) when conversing with her. ·Listen to her (really listen – draw her out).
First baby step indication of success:
If my interventions for Lack of Passion and Intimacy are working HA will:
·Want to be around me more. She will try and set up another time we will meet. ·Will allow some physical contact – she will also touch me back in like manner.
Like I said I need to rework these goals and add on to the goals.
What would you consider a "real conversation" to be? What were they like in the past? What is the best that you would hope for? What would you be satisfied with? Right now, it's like talking to a rock. I would be happy if he would look me in the eye, start sentences and make replies to my comments. He's totally withdrawn, and I want to start seeing him come out.
What things will you do to help recover your PMA? What things do you enjoy? What would you like to try that you haven't done before? What things really give your PMA a boost? When I'm on my own, not with H, I have much less problem with PMA. It's when I'm in the house with him, and he's a rock, that I get fustrated. That's the area where I am stuck. I've found and reinitiated recently a number of outside activities that make me feel better about me, but I don't know how to feel good when his silence is beating me down.
What are these displays? What things could you do that by his definition, not yours, would be displays of affection for him? Sex for one, and cuddling. He used to be quite a cuddler - up until very recently when he told me about OW.
Right now, it's like talking to a rock. I would be happy if he would look me in the eye, start sentences and make replies to my comments. He's totally withdrawn, and I want to start seeing him come out.
How are you at asking him "leading questions"? Questions that require, or elicit, more than just a simple yes or no answer? Are there any topics of conversation where he has more of a tendency to open up, and respond to you more? Any fields of his expertise that make him shine more, get to bragging a bit about what he knows maybe? Any subjects that you can get him talking about, and he just won't shut up?!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Yes, I've asked leading questions. They get nowhere. Yes, I've brought up subjects he's interested in. They get nowhere. Yes, I talk about where he shines. He's a great talker, but not to me recently.
I'll start off with my final goal first. The goal that we can be back together as a family. The goal that my W and I can have a sucessful new R.
My short term goals.... 1. To continue to improve the R with my kids 2. To continue to improve the R with my W as a friend first. 3. To continue to improve myself emotionally, spiritually and physically 4. To have the daily PMA to work on the LRT to stop this downward spiral that our M is in. 5. To be able to be closer to moving home when I must vacate my parent home
