My sitch is wierd because I can't trust him at all. I mean, even beyond the betrayal of the affair. Just from his behavior since this whole thing began. He has done nothing but lie and try to manipulate my emotions to keep me in a position where I won't upset the apple cart and get him into trouble.
But I know that I need to set goals because it is in the kids best interest for their parents to have a civil relationship at some point in the future. And the truth is - I still love him. Not the him that he is now, but the him that is buried somewhere down there. And I can only imagine that it's about to get very ugly since I'm no longer willing to play the role of victim in his game of emotional blackmail.
So my goals are:
1) Make a clean break from the past. I will know that this has happened when:
- he does not attempt to call for any other reason than to leave a message regarding the kids.
- he takes care of all of his personal affairs (parking tickets, legal issues, car registration, taxes, etc.) on his own.
- he changes his official address with the department, the car, the insurance, the kids schools to his actual physical address (not use one of his parents addresses as a cover) and land-line telephone number.
- he provides the children with some way of contacting him directly (either a pager or a cell phone).
- he makes an application to the court for visitation and if there are to be overnight visits, the location where the children will be staying is inspected by a guardian ad lietum appointed by the court and the address, telephone number, and persons who will be in the apartment at the time of the children's visit will be known to me.
This last one will be the tough one...to be honest, after the whole incident with the kids seeing him in bed with another woman there is a chance the court might not allow him to have unsupervised visitation. I told him the other day that the things he had done represented his own parenting decisions and I didn't have to like them but he had to bear the responsibility for them.
They are all things on his end, not actions of mine, because I have already taken my actions. I have filed for custody and support, I turned him in to the Department for fraternization. The whole ball of wax is starting to melt and while I hope that he's able to pull himself out of the fire, I don't think he'll be able to this time.
I dont think I can look any further ahead than that at this point. The wheels have already been set in motion because he cannot be trusted to act in a mature, repsonsible manner on his own. Once these things have been achieved and a sense of blissful normalcy has settled down over everything for a while, then I can look to potentially entering into a civil (albeit cool) direct relationship with him. And I can start to look at goals like building a friendship and co-parenting the children.
Calystra, I don't have lots of time to post, but I want to say that your goal-setting, progress towards your goals and results post is precisely what people need to do in terms of being specific. Way to go!!! You go girl.
If you're here for the first time, read the books and the articles on this site as well as people's advice and then set your goals. It's said, "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time." So get going. Michele
I think I speak for the group when I say I'd love to see your appearance on the Today Show on Monday but unfortunately I don't have local network stations here (Dish Network Satellite subscriber) and can't tape it! I imagine most folks can though. But what I was thinking was one step above that, and that's having the appearance recorded and provided here on your web site where we can each download it and watch it from the comfort of our PCs! Any thoughts about this? Sorry to post this question on this thread - perhaps I should have e-mailed you directly instead. ;-)
Thanks for your post here I like the format of your goals and keeping track of what's going on, how you're doing.
That said:
My 3 Major goals.
1) Continue to explore how my family of origion affects my present day relationships. (was raised by alcoholics ) Continue to work through these issues for me. So that i may go into any R without subconciously sabotaging it.
2) Continue detaching lovingly from R with W. Hard to stay in this, work at trying to focus on me. My goal here is to become the person I have visualized myself to be at times in my life. That person is a more loving caring self
3) Develope love for Mitch. I think I need to become more realistic about how my self image affects my needs, wants, and desires.
These goals are all aimed at becoming the person I was potraying at the beginning of our R and somehow lost those parts of me that were that person. CoDependance????
Let me know what you think. thanks
Till change hath broken down
All things save Beauty alone
Goal 1) make a clean brake from the past (see post above)
Goal 2) Maintain a stable environment for my children. I will know I have done this when...
- DD#1's grades improve in school
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Special education assessment is being conducted by the district and should be completed within the next two weeks. 2) New tutor on Thursday nights for the rest of the school year. 3) Review her homework with her as soon as I get home from work and have her make any corrections.
- DD#2's increased mischeviousness is curtailed somewhat.
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Enroll her in the after-care program three days a week at the center where I work. 2) Modify my work hours occassionally so that she can have playdates after school.
- Mom is less stressed.
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Make a job chart for kids and call from work to make sure that they are doing them. 2) Do chores like food shopping, sorting clothes, laundry, etc. in the mornings before I take #2 to school so that I have more time in the evenings to spend with the kids. 3) Hire a mother's helper on the nights that I have class after work so that she has some free time in the afternoons.
- continued good relations with his parents
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Don't talk to them about sitch with their son unless absolutely necessary - keep talk happy and light - focus it on the kids (what they're doing, funny things they say, etc.) - tell them that I love them.
2) Give them unlimited access to their grandchildren - overnight visits whenever they want. - invite them to special events (DD#1's First Penance, Grandparents Day at school) - ask them to help my mom out with kids on occassion (Grandfather come up and take the two big ones out to dinner, Nanny J. take the baby during the week if Mom has an appointment)
- More time with the kids
Concrete steps I've taken to achieve this:
1) Do necessary housework alittle each day in the mornings so that my evenings are free 2) Let them sleep with me one night a week. 3) Keep them on a regular schedule so they know generally what to expect when and cut down on fights. 4) Weekly family day - when we go out and do fun things together. 5) Organize playdates at our house so I know their friends and are involved in their lives.
Goal 3) Work on myself as an individual. I know that I will have achieved this when....
- I'm more independent financially
Concrete steps I have taken to achieve this:
1) Second job 2) Application to court for support. 3) Putting in applications with city, feds, state courts, etc. for full-time employment 4) Assets in my name (own apartment instead of living with mom, own car instead of his name on it, own credit card, own cell phone)
- I'm independent emotionally
Concrete steps I've taken to achieve this:
1) Limit my interaction with him 2) Continue on my anxiety medication 3) Continue posting here to keep up my PMA and detaching.
- I'm more confident and secure with myself as a person
Concrete steps I've taken to achieve this:
1) Go back to school 2) Make new friends (on-line, around here) 3) Keep in touch with old friends 4) Carve out time for myself each day. - after kids go to bed - when kids are with him/grandparents/other friends
Those are my goals. Since there's not too much I can do with #1, I can concentrate on #2 and 3.
To listen to W as we discuss our separation. To really listen. To see the pain in her, and try to feel it too. To put aside, for once, my hurt feelings in all of this....and just see hers.
And to apologize from the depths of my heart (if I can find it) that I have not seen her side of the story for so long.
To sit across from her, make her comfortable with some smiles and warm talk, and to really see what she wants.
To not scoff at her demands, but to take everything she says under consideration. After all, she must feel strongly about it if she is saying it at our meeting.
And to do all of this with no thought of getting back together, but more as a closure of the unhealthy M.
1) Continue to explore how my family of origion affects my present day relationships. (was raised by alcoholics ) Continue to work through these issues for me. So that i may go into any R without subconciously sabotaging it.
Although it's great to try to understand WHY we "may" be the way we are, try not to get too stuck on it. Sometimes, a lifetime of studying the "whys" isn't enough to really understand, and usually doesn't take us to where we need to be.
Don't stop exploring, but try not to make it your main focus.
Set your focus more on the "whats". What doesn't work for you, and what does. What things might you be doing to either improve your relationships with those around you, and what things do you do to sabotage those relationships. From there, do more of what works, and less of what doesn't work.
I don't mean to make this sound simplistic, because I know that it's not. However, try not to get too stuck on changing, or "healing", what has happened in your past. Place your efforts in trying to change what is going to happen in your future, the things that you can do to make it better for you.
Michele, or one of the other professionals that frequent this board, may be of more help to you in this area. I DO want you to know, though, there there ARE ways to get a jump-start on things, without having any unresolved family-of-origin issues holding you back.
As for your other goals, try to break them down into more doable, smaller, action-oriented steps. Again, I find that adding "I will..." to the front of each helps. After you write each goal down, look back over it, and see if there is any way to break it down even smaller, make it more specific, and more achievable.
General, lofty goals are great, but they are less attainable, and make it more difficult for us to gauge our progress, and to keep the positive momentum going.
JJ
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