Here is a list of my goals it is more then three but most are dealing in the changes within me.
I will stop drinking completely (haven’t drank in eight months) I will watch what I say this involves what is said to others and what is said in front of my children I will not put myself in a situation where I could look to be deceiving I will not discuss relationship with my wife I will use the BB to vent my frustrations I will not put myself in a situation were I can become emotionally attached to anyone I will detached from my wife (feel I am detached things she does don’t really effect me) I will continue to do as much as possible with my kids I will go out more with friends (basically get a life) I will continue to exercise I will quit smoking with by February I will go Dark as such as not start any conversations not involving the kids
I would like my wife to become my best friend again I would like to spend more time alone with my wife I would like to have more conversations about things going on in our lives I would like to have intimate conversations with my wife discussing feelings I would like we spend time together going out as a family
Wife will call me to see how I am doing Wife will start conversations Wife will look me in the eye when conversing Wife will relax when talking to me and not forget what she was going to say all the time Wife will invite me to dinner Wife will hug me Wife will go out to dinner with me Wife will include me in future plans not just events involving kid’s birthdays
Thanks for putting this on the BB! My goals..... Do not talk about OR and A with H. Do not ask H to move back home. Think of a stop sign when I think of OW and A. I will not call or email H on the days I will not see him to give him his space and time. I will give him 2 compliments each time I see H. I will thank H for things he does for me, the dog, or the home. If there is a negative reaction from H, I will say to myself that it is okay and continue to be positive in my attitude. I will tell him "It makes me happy that you...." whenever he does something nice.
I get a bit stuck on this one. I am trying to set goals, but at the moment the main thing on my mind is to stop him wanting a divorce and wanting to sell the house so that he can buy a 3-bed to have the kids when he wants to. So: baby goals!
1. I will maintain my PMA - by conversing with friends; by going out regularly to do things I want to do; by having fun with my kids; by occasionally treating myself to something nice
2. I will compliment H when he does something nice (make a cup of tea, cook supper etc) or when he looks good
3. I will read and re-read DR and get hold of DB for extra support
#1 My self-confidence. I will feel like I am SOMEONE, like I am the one H wants to be with. I will be more secure and more outspoken about my needs.
#2 Communication. I will learn to accept H word as truth. I will agree to disagree and not always want to be right. I will learn to give the benefit of a doubt. I will respect his differences and not make him feel "wrong" or unappreciated.
#3 Relationship. I want H to come home (BIG goal!). I want more cuddling, hugs, kisses and ILY's. I want to be comfortable with H no matter what we are doing. I want him to initiate contact.
Progress so far: #1 I have been working on me and I do feel more secure and my self esteem is up. I have used various aids i.e. books and audio tapes, and I am more like my old self, though I have down days.
#2 Not doing so well here. H refuses to talk about R or anything remotely to do with "us". I have been taking him at his word instead of always doubting him like I used to.
#3 H has kept in contact. He calls me, sees me and when we have our weekend "dates" he will cuddle, hug and kiss, but no ILY. We still are not totally relaxed around each other.
A quick update on my goals of last Sunday's meeting with W:
Quote: My goal for this afternoon:
To listen to W as we discuss our separation. To really listen. To see the pain in her, and try to feel it too. To put aside, for once, my hurt feelings in all of this....and just see hers.
And to apologize from the depths of my heart (if I can find it) that I have not seen her side of the story for so long.
To sit across from her, make her comfortable with some smiles and warm talk, and to really see what she wants.
To not scoff at her demands, but to take everything she says under consideration. After all, she must feel strongly about it if she is saying it at our meeting.
And to do all of this with no thought of getting back together, but more as a closure of the unhealthy M.
I amazed myself at really following every one of these! We had our talk....and it went as well as possible. There was no R, but I think the foundation for a healthy M was finally started. Or perhaps the ground was cleared for such an event.
We haven't talked much since, as work has taken all my free time. But I truly think some sort of breakthru occured. She said that being friends with me is a possibility, whereas a month ago it was not.
So it seems that listening intently, (and beforehand trying to see HER point of view) is a powerful tool, changing both people involved.
Another meeting will be tomorrow...she is pushing for it. She says there is "something big still hanging over her", which is whether I am moving back in or not.
So for tomorrow:
I will again listen intently, not letting my ego get in the way of our R. If she pushes too hard, I will let it slide by, lovingly.
I will not give in to anything with the intention of gaining something back. No expectations.
I will treat her as an adult....which means no walking on eggs.
Like Edna says it is very impressive how you utilized your goals to set in motion a change in your wife’s thinking. In a month’s time you were able to go from not being friends to a possible friendship. Keep up the good work
Goals for Shay WEll I have been at this for over a year and things are working!! My h is very stubborn and distrustful in general so quite a mountain to climb...... I am afraid if I dont refresh my goals then I will aim at nothing... goals revised:
1. give H space 2. focus on me and not OW: if it becomes part of my thoughts then redirect towards something ahppy in my life 3. do things I like to do running, redecorate, go part time 4. dont ask H to spend the night- PUSH him out the door! ( he likes this- makes him want to stay) 5. be back together by april 6. H doesnt go out every friday ( already seeing signs ) 7. Have a difficult conversation with H wi/o resentment and total acceptance (without supporting his actions either) I think I keep letting him off the hook becuase I have really worked on forgiveness. 8. Go on a trip together
what does everyone think? ??? BTW, my H wouldnt even sit in the same room with me 1.3 years ago. now he says he thinks about me more and more and would not rather be with someone else. He even has more happy memories of us together now.
