I sometimes drive myself nuts thinking if only I would have done this my life would have been better. I remember back in 1997 during my first marriage, (lol yeah this is the 2nd time down this road for me) I had a little extra money at one point, I said to wife, "maybe I should buy some of this yahoo stock with this" she did not agree. We took a vacation instead.
Just about a month ago I came 1 digit away from winning the states pick 5 lotto. If only.....
I guess part of detaching is also to let go of past regrets? If only I would have done this..... If only this would have happened..... If only she would have done this....
The only thing I got left is the rest of my life. That might be 20 minutes, it might be 40 years. I need to do the best I can with it!
I dont know why I remembered this. Happened like 15 years ago. Another time in my life, when I had my very first walk away (girlfriend) experience. We had lived together for over 4 years so it was pretty tramatic to me at the time.
This was like 4 days after she left. I was driving around out in the country. I was a mess. Crying, angry, driving way to fast. Got to an intersection, the other way had a stop sign I didnt. A car slows up to cross but never stops and keeps rolling. It does not register to me until too late, "THEY ARE NOT GONNA STOP" I slammed on the brakes and swerved. I go around the back of there car and I am guessing I missed them by about 2 inches. I dont think the lady in the other car even realized what happened.
I pulled over about 1/2 mile up the road, heart all pounding. And I started laughing, I laughed hystarically for about 5 minutes. It was at that moment I realized that it was good to be alive. No matter what happens, it is good to be alive. Remembering that event in my life has always been a good reminder to me when I start feeling too sorry for myself.
I do not have a whole lot to say, other than I am going to get off of here after this post and accomplish giving my bathroom a much needed cleaning.
I managed to wiggle out of 1/2 of my Overtime tonight. Was going to call wife and let her know that she could drop off the child tommorrow morning, instead of at sitters. We had it arranged that I was to pick her up around 1 pm tommorow. But I decided I am not going to call her. I am going to go out for a bit after work and then come home and sleep. Have some much needed "me" time. I will probably end up picking up daughter early from sitters tommorow.
Also I did some scanning of these boards today and wanted to post some of the things that I have found on detaching:
TampaGuy1961 #645940 - 02/10/06 02:42 PM
Well, the point is that you cannot get anyone to do anything...they have to do it for themselves...if you detach, then you give them the space to do it on their own...if your R was meant to be then that is the ONLY way it will happen...now here is the hardest part, you must truly detach...you must detach not just physically but totally emotionally also...you must convince yourself that you DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR SPOUSE IS DOING AND IT FEELS GREAT to not have that anxiety...I am perhaps the most impatient person in the world...however impatient anyone out there thinks they are, believe me, I got you beat!! If I can do this, then anyone can if they have the resolve to do it...if you fear D then that is exactly what you will get because your fears and anxiety WILL manifest itself into reality...this has proven itself time and time again...how do you really really overcome anxiety and truly detach? for me it was two fold: first, it was to GAL...do whatever you have to do to get a life, please do it for yourself primarily...that approach has to be that way for you to maintain the detachment of body and soul...second, because you are going down a path that requires blind faith which has to be nourished, find strength in prayer...it is so powerful once you truly let go of your fears and anxiety...God does not want us to have anxiety...He wants us to be happy...we are all His creation...dont ever forget that...once you truly let go of your anxiety and trust that God has the plan for you, you can confront anything that happens...trust me on this...
Kansha #125933 - 03/22/03 01:22 AM
Detachment is a process. We detach a little at a time. You may notice that you have a drop in PMA just before you gain a new level of detachment. When dealing with a spouse in MLC, you are detaching for yourself. It is not a technique that will bring your H back into the family (though in some cases it can have that affect). Those in MLC have to complete the process in their own time frame. What we do will not usually shift that course. But, it will minimize damage. Detachment is necessary for the LBS survival. We are normally so wrapped up in our spouses that we cannot function when they leave and they cannot separate from us enough to figure out their own issues and quit focusing on us.
Jamesjohn #125925 - 03/15/03 11:26 PM
Make sure that you take some time-out for yourself.
Make sure that you take some "recreation" time to "re-create" yourself.
What you are going through right now is a marathon, so don't try to run it at a sprinter's pace.
If you place everything you have, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, into salvaging your relationship, you're going to drain yourself down to nothing.
You'll be so deep into the forest, that you won't be able to see the trees. You won't be able to see some of the obvious solutions that are sitting right before your eyes.
You deserve a break today!
Don't work harder, work smarter!
This was originally posted by Peanut. #75878 - 04/17/01 12:14 AM
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.
Quoting Michele #125950 - 05/07/03 11:59 PM
One of the biggest mistakes people make is to place too much emphasis on what you're feeling at the moment. feelings are just emotions that come and go. They are triggered by events and thoughts that you are having. It's important to be in touch with your feelings, but it's even more important to realize two things. First, your feelings often misguide you. They're not always right and shouldn't be your guiding light. Secondly, your feelings don't have to dictate your actions. YOu can feel a certain way and make a conscious decision to act another way.
I just got done reading all of the interesting posts over on Swashys thread. Some of them really make me think.......
Kman said, "there are things that unintentionally bring about the demise of an M, over time. But an affair, is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE. In addition, choosing to give up on the marriage is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE. She hasn't given you a say in these things, although certainly they've affected or involve you. This releases you from certain obligations my friend."
when I read that passage I found myself nodding in agreement, yeah, yeah.......
But it also got me thinking about what I know, what I think I know, and what I dont know.....
It has been over 2 months since my seperation now, I sometimes suspect that there may be an OM/OP but what I know for fact is that in the 2 months I have no, not any, solid information and proof that this person exists. I have not seen her with anyone. She has not said that there is anyone. My child has not said one thing to me to indicate there is an OP. Not one person, friend, relative, enemy, aquantence, or stranger has told me one thing to indicate that there is an OP.
Does this mean that there is not an OP? Well no it doesn't. But in 2 months if there was I most likely would have some sort of indication. So this is probably a good thing?
Now also, along the same lines of thinking...... I have not recieved any solid information that she has completly given up on our marriage. Yes she has moved out. Yes she has stopped helping me pay the mortgage. Yes we have not talked about our marriage for quite some time. Yes she has stopped wearing her ring.
But also I have not heard from her or anyone else that she has visited a lawyer. I have not recieved any legal papers of any sort.
This is what I know.
I have no idea what she is thinking, or doing most of the time.
It is hard being here in limbo land, I want to spy to dig to try to figure out what is going on. To find out some sort of clarity to my situation. But I am doing the hardest thing I can, which is just to let it be and hope. Hope for the best, and do my best to work on myself. Relax and do what I can to enjoy the day...
Ok I have to get my butt in gear and go get my child.
Ok somewhat po'd right now. I just dropped off my child to the WAW. I was upbeat as I could be. I did bring up the subject of money. I did not say anything about her not contributing anything towards mortgage. I just asked her if she would contribute $40 a month to cover her portion of the auto ins. She gets all snotty with me. It was like she was waiting for me to bring up the money issue as she had a prepared answer......Are you willing to contribute 1/2 the money towards child care???
I have our daughter 1/2 of the time! Yeah she has her at a sitter when she is working, but well that is her concern not mine. She is living with her sister, so I dont see her bills to be that pressing that $40 a month should seem that unreasonable. It seems to me that she is really trying hard to jam me up financially.
I suppose I could just call the insurance agent up and have the ins bill split and have her part sent directly to her....but I am trying not to escalate this thing. Also right now she is covered under health ins from my work. If she does ever have to get her own health ins from her job it is going to ding her budget hard, the benifits on my job are much much more reasonable than hers.
So I ask you guys, was it unreasonable for me to ask her to pay her share of the auto ins??? What could she possibly gain by jamming me up financially? If this house were to go into foreclosure she is gonna get burnt too....
Also for the record, she actually makes a little bit more $$ than I do. And 1 more for the record, I can still float all the bills it just will be a bit tighter, and I may have to work like 1 day of OT a month to do it.......
In my opinion I dont think my request was unreasonable, and also in my opinion she is just being an A-hole about this......ARRRRRRRGGGGG
NDDT - caught up on your thread. Some good stuff in there. I especially liked all the info you attached on detaching, but Peanut's post was my favorite. And I thought you next post (6/20 about 11:30 am) was just awesome!
On the car insurance, does she have a point? Are there things she is handling where it could be divided like sitter fees? Just curious. I'm not taking her side, but take a moment after you cool off to really try to see her position. If you talk to her again, you will need to validate her position. Can you do it here first? And note, this is a chance to show her how much you've learned and are changing, because you have and you are.
BTW, from what you posted, it sounds like you handled the exchange well. What did you say in response?
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
What I said in response is that I am being pretty squeezed here with paying all of the mortgage and household bills. There is no way that I can help her with the child care bill. I also told her that I will probably have to work more OT to just get by.......
I actually did handle the exchange well, I did get pissed, but I dont think I let it show. When I got in my car and drove away, well if she has my car bugged, well then she will know how I felt about it.......lol
I was thinking about all of this and it seems like she is trying to push me into making some sort of move here. Make me do something to escalate the situation so then she could have an excuse? not sure....whatever....I need to let go of all of this for a bit....
I was thinking about all of this and it seems like she is trying to push me into making some sort of move here. Make me do something to escalate the situation so then she could have an excuse? not sure....whatever....I need to let go of all of this for a bit...
Could be. You are not living up to her impression of what you are like. That doesn't confirm that she has made or is maing the right decision. She'd feel better about it if you handled it the old way. Not sure about that, but it could be and it makes some sense. I say "good job; keep it up!"
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Was kind of thinking about making some sort of plan of my own today. The plan I had in my mind was alot more "me" orientated than the plan I just read on Nomo's thread. But it is about positive changes in my life.
Today I am just frustrated with everything. I am missing my child. I know that wife and child and her whole family are at a wedding right now........kinda sucks to be on the outside looking in. I have been working 12 hour days for the last 5 days, and I have 1 more to go, I know part of my attitude is just because I am burnt.
One thing that I have not done since all of this started is to allow myself to have a good cry. Maybe it is time???
NDDT. Never hold back on the good cry buddy...it is all part of the process. Somtimes I even almost force myself to do it. I feel like it builds up and I need to do it...so I make myself do it. Crazy? Maybe...but it seems to help.
Dude, 72 hours in 6 days? Yeah...I think that mayb have a weeeee bit to do with your emotional state. chill buddy. One day at a time.
