Goals for February 2003 1 DB in lighter shade of gray. Evaluate progress on 2/15
2 Continued contact with H at least 5x per week via email, phone, personal visit (prefer initiated by him - I rarely initiate)
3 Be a friend to my H. Make him want to be around me longer. Do this by being kind and pleasant, upbeat, ask how he is doing, show interest in him as an individual, give him some loving attention (w/out mentioning OW or R).
4 Make home feel like "HOME" for H. By making it cozy and comfy. Candles, clean, decorate a little bit. Play games with kids when H arrives, and hopefully encourage his participation.
5 Make H feel safe here, like this is his "HOME" and his refuge. By accomplishing goals 3 & 4.
6 Look great whenever he sees me
7 Go to 2 PWP events this month
8 Do something with a friend 2x this month
9 Deal with new car thing w/ my H if H initiates.
10 Walk again 2x/week, weights/toning 2x/week, and TaeBo 1x/week
11 Lose another 5 pounds before Feb 28th - almost at my goal weight
12 Laugh as often as possible
13 Continued interest from my H. He will ask ?'s about me, not just the kids.
14 Complete the sep papers if H initiates. Keeping the R and business separate in my mind to get through it.
15 Let H see me doing things he likes about me. Let him see what he is missing in me. Particularly things OW cannot offer him.
scrapbooking being a good/fun mom decorating the house good, kind, and loving heart ask about his work and offer to help him if I can
16 Speak in H's love language "Acts Of Service":
offering to assist with advice about his work (something he liked about me) offering to help with things at house completing projects in the house (which also makes me look independent, important to H) take care of things in house on my own thank H for things he does here
17 Maintain patience even if I see some progress.
18 Be the OW!!
Ongoing 1 Closer walk with God. Will see signs that He is there. 2 Work on changes in me, for me, because that is what God wants me to do 3 When OW around kids pushes my buttons, find somethig to occupy my mind 4 Pray until I get the answer on how to proceed with OW (no answers yet) 5 Keep seeking out and enjoying laughter wherever you find it. That old cliche, "Laughter is the best medicine," 6 Pray for God to soften hearts of H and OW, and for them to see their sin. Pray for their salvation. 7 Pray that the enemy will not be present in my home or in H whenever he is around us.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Can you still set goals if you are already in the Attorney phase? My H is the one that wants the D, I am not. My H is the one that has an OW and he lives with her. I feel I beat my head against a brick wall because I can't get answers out of him as to why this happened. We have two small children that mean the world to both of us and I feel it is important for my H to try to work this out and have a fresh start/new beginning. He just seems so into being selfish and having his freedom and I guess enjoying his life thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. How do I try to pull him back if we are at the stage of Attorney's? It has spun so out of control and I don't know how to get it back or to help him figure out why he fell in love with me, etc. How could all be gone? I try not to live in the past and I love him so much even though he has been doing this to me. Am I a fool for still loving him when there is an OW involved? I know for a fact that she makes a decent living for herself (they met at the job) and I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years. Could that be the reason he is with her. I don't get any of this. I need some guidance. Thank you.
I also forgot to mention that we have been on this roller coaster ride since Aug. 2001. My problem is I have been trying so hard to figure out what goes on inside of his head and why he would be doing this to us. I just need answers. Is it wrong for me to want answers?
My goals:
1. For my husband to fall back in love with me.
2. Correct the lack of communication we have in our lives.
3. Start Marriage counseling again. (He only agreed to go 3x's in the way beginning)
4. Stop PURSUING my H, it obviously doesn't help me when he doesn't want to return.
5. Stop being intimate with my H because it isn't helping the situation with him having his cake and eating it too.
So if W says she wants to leave, I should not try to stop her?
Just accept it, and talk about how we will arrange it for the children and pets? From all I've read, that would seem to be the right attitude. I just hope I have the strength to do it. I fear that that is what is coming. I'm doing my best to act positive when around her. On the phone today, I asked how she was doing, and when she asked me how I was doing (a good sign), I was almost unsure how to answer. I said OK after a hesitation.
She has said before that she might like me, but would never love me again. I guess the goal would be to have her like me as a friend, before thinking of anything bigger. But since she has also said that if she leaves, she is never coming back, I've never been able to respond positively when she speaks of leaving.
I guess I got trapped once when I said I wanted to respect her wishes, and have her be happy. Her reply was that we should get divorced then. I didn't have an answer for that.
Still living under the same roof, but with little contact, and no talk from her, its hard (or all too easy) to measure her attitude towards me.
My goals: 1. Pray for guidance for me and WAH twice a day. 2. Meditate daily 3. Take care of my health by resting, sleeping well, eating healthy food, being in nature, practicing gratitude. 4. Focus on what I am learning from this situation 5. Practice the fruits of the spirit 6. Visit DB site every day 7. Participate in the KLA group 8. Take Spanish lessons each week 9. Do things that will improve my PMA such as listening to uplifting music, being around little kids, cooking for friends, seeing a play or concert, viewing a funny movie. 10. Exercise by doing weights 2x/week, yoga 3x/week and cardio workout 4x/week 11. Read up on growing orchids 12. Accomplish goals at work 13. Concerning my WAH: I will not display anger, I will have a soothing voice when we talk, I will listen, validate and not defend, I will use words of affirmation, I will show him the small ways in which I need him, I will put no effort in fixing his depression/confusion, I will nourish him in the form of small love gestures, I will give space and then tap in with rich and precious positive gestures.
I will know I am making progress when he: 1. Inquires or shows interest in how I am doing. 2. Informs me of his plans/schedule. 3. Agrees to go out to have a meal or drink with me. 4. Shares information about his family and his work. 5. Discusses a future plan that includes me. 6. Joins me when we run into each other at the coffee shop. 7. Initiates friendly contact with me on his own
Progress from October 6th-February 4th: We have made progress in the past 4 months of separation. My H just today for the first time inquired about how I am doing today via email! Last week he informed me of his travel schedule. More recently he sat next to me at the coffee shop.(twice he went as far from me as possible) He has declined an invitation for a beer (in Dec and I have not re-initiated the invite) and has not discussed any future plans that included me. So far, he has not called, emailed or sent a card to me to initiate contact on his own.
I will continue to seek out activities like my book club that fulfill my need to have my own life
I will volunteer for the towns ambulance co.. (the town will pay for the needed education and though they don't pay for the work done, I will use the certification (emt) to seek employment with a paying company 2 nights a week to set money asside to pay for my masters degree)
I will continue to look for the possitives
I will continue to make improvements in the home
I will continue to go to the gym and get back in shape (summer is comming after all)
I will try to do something creative and fun with the kids at least once a week.
I will "try" not to let h's mood (or lack there of) get me down.
h will initiate an outing (rather than just accepting my ideas) h will express some thoughts, feelings, etc to me h will ask me to put my ring back on h will go to c with me, or at least be open to real discussions about us. h will fall "in love" with me again h will no longer keep ow as a customer h will get rid of appartment h will initiate hugs for no reason (is doing this on occasion) h will say i love you without prompt (has done this only three times since his deiceding to "try" and come home and those were only at the begining h will let me know what his needs are, both those that are being met and those that aren't or weren't (after all it is not likely that one would seek another if their needs were being met) ---when asked still now h's need is simply to ensure that kids and I are ok...this to me does not sound good...
I know that the goals that involve h are not mine to attain but they are what I want...any ideas on how to accomplish those goals?
Just wanted to remind everyone to revisit their goals and update them every so often. I just updated mine, you can check it out on my thread at: Forgiveness Received! (Divorce Started)
I will again listen intently, not letting my ego get in the way of our R. If she pushes too hard, I will let it slide by, lovingly.
I will not give in to anything with the intention of gaining something back. No expectations.
I will treat her as an adult....which means no walking on eggs.
I will breathe deeply, and smile warmly.
Seemed to follow thru on all of them to some extent. And she responded well. She is starting to open up a bit. I think that I am hindering things now by dwelling (in my mind) on the past.
Now for this week:
1. I will see how she views the world...how she could have said the things she has said to me. I will spend some time each day pondering this issue exclusively.
I love this thread. It's so constructive. The more you plan, the less you complain, the better life becomes and the more likely you get where you want to be. So keep setting and reaching your goals. I'm rooting for you! Michele
