Quote: Now for this week: 1. I will see how she views the world...how she could have said the things she has said to me. I will spend some time each day pondering this issue exclusively.
I will become an expert on how my W feels, and why she feels the way she does. I will become my W for brief periods each day, seeing how she saw the world as a kid, a teenager, a young wife, and an unhappy wife. NO judgement, just feeling and insight.
Various strategies: 1) Grovel 2)Share how much it would mean to me 3) Do a 180, say I don't need a moderator to stop by my thread. 4) Try something different, humor maybe.
Michelle- Thank you for your books, especially Divorce Remedy. I have been married 20+ years and have a near-WAW (and two teenagers).There seem to be some MLC issues involved with her, but she is not quite yet to infidelity. I appreciate your solution-oriented strategy, and not just focusing on problems in relationships. I just started posting in the newcomer’s forum, and wonder:
1) how I might deal with pent-up anger/resentment in my W? I don’t see strategies for diffusing that in your book (I probably missed it),
2) would you please check my thread and please comment on the goals and strategies? I have been following the principles of your book for about a year, and it seems that OR is "in neutral" at present. It feels like I’m missing something, because I haven’t seen small incremental progress for a while, and in her social group "all husbands are still jerks". Maybe you could make a suggestion that I could experiment with, or help refine or refocus my goals? I’d like to move OR outside of that stereotype and hopefully diminish the negative influence of some of her friends on OR (i.e., people can’t change).
I appreciate any help or insight you can provide. Thanks again for this resource and for your books; I hope I use them well enough to be successful. I’m trying very hard to build a better relationship for all four of us.
My H and I are separated. (For about a month.) Last week I had just 2 goals:
1. That he ask how I was doing. 2. That he stay and talk with me after he helped put the kids to bed.
Both these goals were met on Sunday. (3-2-03) Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to read too much into obtaining these goals in fear of allowing myself to have false hope...but I guess they are good signs.
Unfortunately, I can't seem to get past my anger with him in order to figure out what my next goals should be.
Quote: I can't seem to get past my anger with him in order to figure out what my next goals should be.
From what I know, KMP, anger is based in fear. So what do you fear? Abandonment (that's my deal)? Whatever it is, it is in your control. That thought alone helps me tremendously.
Not much luck in seeing things from W's point of view. Will continue. But in the meantime, I'm trying to see what MY point of view is. What I believe. Who I am.
Doing some meditiations....one of those "Active" meditations, reciting a mantra as much as I can. Whenever I feel uneasy, I usually remember to say it. And bring the negativity from my head down into my heart where it melts away. Meeting the negativity head on like that seems to be better than using diversions....it'll just crop up again.
So, a month from now I hope to read this and say to myself "Good job, you are still practicing this."
In reading thru this goal section I am aware that my goals have not been specific enough or action oriented. Shame on me, but it is never too late to start.
1. H will show interest in my life, actions that would indicate this are: asking me about the things I am working on like school, calling to check in on me or our D, will actually have a conversation with me face to face that lasts for at least a few minutes to start. 2. H will agree to have dinner or share a meal with me and D. I am looking for him to be willing to spend just a fraction of time with us in a positive manner. I know he is fearful, afraid of caring, but I want to see signs that he can move past this. 3. H will respond to a positive email I send in kind, it can just be words of a positive nature about our D, but I want to see him at least share something positive with me. This is one of the things I miss most, he says nothing, shares nothing 'good' with me. I want some sign that the shut out is ending.
Well, I did only 3 goals as Michele suggests.
For me, I want to continue to work on patience in this and all areas of my life, I want to continue to work on my education and building a more complete picture of me. I think that was one the of the things missing, I was putting so much of myself into the relationship, I forgot I had to be complete on my own before I could be a contributing member of anything.
I also promise to review and update my goals on a regular basis, so I have a target in mind to hit.
