Hi Dustin - I understand the anxiety, and fear of doing the wrong thing and making the situation worse. We have all been there. If it is any help, looking back I can see that my anxiety itself made things awkward. If I had done more 'act as if' when appropriate, NG would have snapped out of his haze much faster. But, there is a lot of processing that needs to happen before you can confidently forge ahead on your chosen path.
Take for example the bedtime routine. Has she clearly stated that she wants you to move out? If not, I reckon you need to stay, but not initiate any contact. The strategy of planning to do something else before bedtime and hitting the sack at different times may help get over this awkward phase.
Sounds like between shift work and W's social network, you don't get to spend much time with the kids, Perhaps the immediate thinking should be about how you would like to fix that. I mention this particularly because the goals you had listed in the goal-setting thread seemed to be missing this important element.
Quote:
1. Be OKAY with myself and realize that no matter WHAT happens, I will survive. 2. Make sure our children know that they are not at fault. 3. Have her WANT to be around me. 4. Have her realize that I DO have my redeeming qualites. 5. Have her realize that our marriage is worth saving and that we owe it to ourselves to try. more to come later.
Specifically, through what actions can you demonstrate to your children that the change in their life is not their fault? That their father loves them, and enjoys spending time with them?
Hi slowly, thanks for looking at my sitch. Well, when I'm on nights, I don't get to see them a lot, generally just maybe 10 minutes in the morning, but on my days off, or when I'm working days I spend as much time as I can, like last Wed I took them to see surfs up, then to the park to play and after that I took them to the zoo. Last night my W had to work until ten and her parents picked the kids up from dance camp and they spent the night over there ( my W did as well) so this morning I went straight over there after work and helped get the kids ready for their day and I have ALWAYS made sure to tell them seeral times a day how much I love them. They are not aware that anything is wrong between mommy and daddy as of yet.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
One more thing that caused my heart to drop this morning, I noticed that she didn't have her ring on anymore, I'm hoping that she just forgot to put it on, she's done that before.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Try not to worry about the ring , my W made an excuse to take it off months back and its never reappeared. She wears no jewellery at all most of the time now and she used to love all her rings. I am pleased you are spending as much time as you can with your kids. Stay calm and make whatever changes in your life you need to make. Your W is missing something from you and its up to you to do something about that. Have you read "the five love languages" if not do an internet search and have a look.
Yes, I read 5 love languages last time, and I will read it again.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Just journaling. Last night went fairly decent, I made sure I wasn't at home when she and the kids got home (I went to Lowes in town)and when I got home I walked in I said hello, and loved on my kids for a good while. She was a little cold at first, I think she was thinking I was going to get all emotional and stuff like that, but I acted as if and I helped her do some things around the house, and then I made supper for all of us. As the night went on she seemed to be at ease and wasn't so short with me when we talked. We gave the kids a bath and then I read them books before bed and she took her bath,when I put them to sleep I came and set on the couch and watched tv and she was in the kitchen do stuff for our vacation, I made small talk with her, like asking her if I needed to get some Frontline Plus for our cat and dog food when I went to town the next day, and all went well. Something else that happened was while we were playing with our kids, my youngest did something very adorable and my wife started laughing at looked at me and smiled.
I stayed up and watched tv until around 01:00 and then went to our bed and turned the tv off in there and went to sleep, I didn't try to snuggle up to her or touch her in anyway. This morning she woke up at 06:00 (she normally wakes up at 05:30 for work) and I was still asleep, I feel her tap on my shoulder as she was getting dressed and in a what I call her little girl voice, said " I accidently slept until six", I asked her if she wanted me to get the girls up and ready, and she said "if you don't mind". So, I got up and went and got them dressed and took them into the bathroom for her to do their hair and I'm all thumbs when it comes to that.
She has to be AT work and 06:45 (she an RN in surgery), and we live 20 miles outside of town in the country, so I aksed her if she wanted me to take the kids into dance camp, at this point she kind of reverted to what I call her wishy washy voice, as in , the won't say yes, but she won't say no either, like she's afraid that she'll owe me something if she says yes. Well, I laid in bed with my girls watching tv while she continued getting ready, and then she came out and said, "So you're going to take the kids to town then?" I said, yes , all you had to do was aks me and you know I'll do it. Anyway, she just called me to tell me that our youngest won 1st runner up in her division at the dance camp out of 50 little girls, and my oldest won 1st place out of 50 in hers, and she was SO excited telling me that, I just kept saying that's wonderful (and it is, I'm a very proud father) in an equally excited voice, and then we said goodbye.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Excellent!!! Only one piece of constructive criticism (change the "I said, yes , all you had to do was aks me and you know I'll do it" to "Yes"), but you did great and there are some positives in there. Now, remember patience. This will take a long time. There will be ups and downs. Don't get your hopes up too high based on today, but that is a great post!
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Excellent!!! Only one piece of constructive criticism (change the "I said, yes , all you had to do was aks me and you know I'll do it" to "Yes"), but you did great and there are some positives in there. Now, remember patience. This will take a long time. There will be ups and downs. Don't get your hopes up too high based on today, but that is a great post!
Yeah, I regretted that as soon as I said it, but it was to late to do anything about it, so I just told her goodbye and left it at that.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
