Think Goals!!

[sad_n_lonely]

I think I am ready to update my goals. Basically my old goals were:
1. My self-esteem.
2. Communication with H.
3. Wanting more affection/contact.

I made quite alot of progress on those. I feel more like my old self, confident and worthy. H and friends all notice the way I have improved. I feel GOOD!

As far as the communication, H started talking more about R. I validate his issues and he also started validating some of the things I said. Only a few times did I stumble and backslide. Both of us were quick to make up, whereas before he would REFUSE to apologize and let it go.

H also started initiating contact, to the point of pursuing ME! He is really loving at times, generous with hugs, kisses and cuddles. No ILY but that is not so important when I FEEL the love from him. And I do feel it. We are alot more comfy with each other now, too.

Ok...new goals. Small but important.
#1. Occupying myself so I can stay sane and not want to push when the good stuff happens. I want to detach easily and back off, work more on my elusive patience and stay busy.

#2. I want H to put his ring back on and agree to commit to working on M again. I do want him home but I will settle for a commitment to come home one day.

#3. Communication...still a bit of a problem as far as handling some of the "sore" subjects. I want us to learn to discuss R productively and not get angry and frustrated.

That should do for now. I plan to accomplish them all.

[purpley]

How can I think of goals when I'm not sure I want to be with my H. How I can I love him again? would that be a goal. I can't even bring myself to talk to him without being angry. He had the affair with a now X friend of mine who lives near by and works in the same school system as I do (how can I ever get away from his A with OW being so close to my home, work and life?), H is still living in our house, and we have 5 children, 18b, 16b twins, 14g, 12b. My daughter is afaid I will leave although I have reassured her I'm not, she chases after me everytime I go out the door. One of my twins can't stand to see me so unhappy, I just tell him to focus on his school work, He is an "A" student and I don't want this to interfere with his future. I need help with these goals. I need help with applying your principles from your DR book.

[Jorge]

So, a month from now I hope to read this and say to myself "Good job, you are still practicing this."

Yep, still practicing this "Heart-melt" meditation. And also saying "I demand peace and joy right now." Gets the subconscious working for us, not against us like it is prone to do when left alone.

After a rough few days, where W is now firmly and adamantly intent on D, I have a certain calm....maybe temporary, but very peaceful right now. And, in that framework, my goal is now not to save the M, but to choose to have a good attitude, to be grateful for all. And if that brings my M back from the brink, great. I choose, tho, to be kind and upbeat. Even thru any D proceedings.

Goal: To choose the kind, loving path in every interaction, in every thought.

Hope that this goal is still at the forefront of my mind one month from now!

j,

[toreup]

Well here I am trying to start this off.

Goals
1. Improve my R with my D's
2. Improve myself physically and emotionally
3. Improve my PMA so that I have a PMA daily
4. Improve my R with my H so that we can be freinds above all else

I will have to take some time to think about how to get more specific about how to attain these. I will re-post once I have something.

[Mfl]

Well here goes. I've tried to work through what is happening in my marriage - what needs to change - and what I can do to make the changes more likely. I hope I'm on the right track

GOALS

1. H says he does not feel the same way about me anymore
that he feels like he is just my best friend. He can't
(or won't) explain what he means by this or why he feels
this way. He says it is not something I have done (or
not done). I can only guess at this. so.....

* he needs to see me again as a woman and not just as a
mother (complete with PJ's at 3pm, baby spew and greasy
hair)
* he needs to see that I have more than enough love in my
heart for him and our son.
* he needs to see our life as a family instead as a
couple doesn't have to be all baby, baby, baby and
that sometimes spending time as a family can be fun too.
* he needs to see that now that my hormones have levelled
out I am still the same fun person that he loved.

I will do that by.........

# Always looking my best when he comes around. I have
aleady lost 40lbs and have started working-out to tone
up. I think I look GREAT
# Being loving towards him whatever he says or does.
# Getting a sitter and going out with friends to have some
FUN (as he will not spend time alone with me at this
time). Giving him the option to come on outings with me
and our son.
# Talking to him about things other than his work or our
son and try to make him laugh. I should take time to
keep up with stuff we used to enjoy together.



2. H is confused about whether he wants to stay in our
marriage or persue relationship with OW. At the moment
he is choosing the OW


* He needs to see that if he chooses to work on our
marriage I can forgive him
* I need to give him time and space to work things out and
come to his own desision

I will do that by........

# not mentioning OW or asking questions about OR or our
future
# not speaking about my feelings right now
# not complaining about how hard it is being in this sitch
and looking after baby
# appearing happy when I talk to him/see him


Probably more goals I could set needs some for thought. Any feedback appreciated as I've wasted a lot of time and would like to start on the right track.

Yanni

Yesterday has been and gone
Today's here for the taking
Tomorrow's just a dream away
And dreams are yours for making.

[pmt]

Wow Yanni, I really like the way you've laid out your goals.. something I'm going to have to work on.

Phil

[theirlaw]

Oh well, may as well join the fun: -

GOALS

Be friends
Do not initiate contact unless urgent and then by email
Listen intently and repeat back to show understanding
Try to be happy and upbeat when talking to W.
Do not talk about R.
Exude PMA at all times, especialy when with W.
Never talk in anger
Count to 10 when upset, never repond through emotions

Be a person my W. will -want- to forgive and be with.
Stop all behavior that has caused resent and hurt - no more angry outbursts

Develop my personal interests and self.
Continue musical development, write more, play more.
Counselling for anger and sex/porn issues/addiction
See more of my friends
Read more, develop more

Hmm, i have seen results before - started to open up to me when i tried to "just be friends" Then I slipped and we went back to noi contact so starting again now, will keep posted!!

[mockers2]

I am going to update my goals in the pattern of Calystra and Yanni - thanks for the good example.

I want to do this as an exercise for myself. I am having a hard time separating goals from "things that are working," maybe because they overlap some.

Goals for the marriage:
1. that our marriage will survive and flourish (leave behind the old R, and build a new, more healthy R together)
- Some smaller goals within this BIG and ultimate goal -
~H will end relationship w/OP
~H will move back home w/me and the children
(not much I can do here - H has to do this. I am trying to nudge H in this direction w/ some of the other goals and behaviors on my list.)

2. to improve our communications skills
- some smaller goals w/in this BIG goal -
~Have conversations without arguing/seeming angry
~To really listen and validate w/out giving my opinion, trying to fix, or thinking of what I will say next
~ No interrupting, finishing H's sentences
Progress here:
^Have had several conversations, including the one in which H told me about OP, w/out geting angry
^Noted he wasn't wearing ring today (the first time I've seen this), asked "where is your ring?" and then said nothing more
^Doing better at not interrupting
^Have been validating H's feelings, showing empathy, even when I feel he should feel guilty
3. for H and me to have regular time together as a couple
(Here again, not much I can do on this one right now. Just a goal for the future.)

Steps I am taking to try and accomplish these goals:
1. I have stopped doing what wasn't working:
*pursuing
*pleading
*trying to convince H we can work this out,etc.
*initiating R talk
*asking H to go to C/Retrovaille or to talk to his friends
2. giving H time and space
3. acting as if I'm happy and OK, whatever H's mood; trying to stay steady, and not let H's mood swings affect me
4. trying to be H's friend w/ no pressure
5. not letting H see me cry/be upset
6. I have stopped saying ILY, unless H says it first

Goals for myself:
1. to appear and feel more attractive
2. to appear and feel more confident, serene, calm
3. to detatch lovingly, to keep my hopes and expectations in check
4. to be someone H will choose to be with again (By working on the list below - See #####)
5. working on the house
6. exercising
7. staying busy

##### Behaviors that led to H's unhappiness (I am including this list for my clarity. It helps me make the other goals more specific):
1. me acting as if I am always right
2. not realizing what H needed, not being supportive of H's needs (acting sad when he went out for time to himself, instead of enthusiastically encouraging H to go)
3. answering an "I need this" statement from H with "OK, but I need this."
4. Being jealous of H's female friends
5. being insecure/having low self esteem/being needy and clinging (doubting/questioning his love for me - "I can't believe you picked me;" saying negative things about myself)
6. Snooping (a cheeseless tunnel)
7. getting angry in conversations, instead of talking about things rationally (not controlling myself - this is "one of the things" H "doesn't like about me.")
8. our cycling behavior (arguing instead of discussing; he withdraws; I become desperate and fearful, cling, cry, etc.)
Steps to take to change these behaviors/patterns:
+not acting as if I'm always right (I wasn't aware I did this, so I'll have to keep thinking on this one
+realize H's needs/be mre conscious of them/be and act OK when H needs "a night off"/let H see from my responses that I am truly supportive of his time away
+When H tells me one of his needs, say, "OK," and that's it
+I'll have to work on not being jealous, especially now, but feel I had made some progress, even before the bomb.
+Improve my self esteem - working on this - some progress
+stop snooping - Accomplished!
+doing fairly well here, see above
+by actually accomplishing some of the above steps, I will help break the cycling behavior; also, I should work on being less needy/being more OK w/just me

My idea is to incorporate/translate the list of things that led to H's unhappiness into goals for me.

Please let me know what you think. Just writing this has helped alot. Thank you for reading this and for your input.

[mockers2]

Any thoughts on these, anyone? Thanks!

[Jamesjohn]

I think these are great ideas, mockers!

I would ask, though, what small, small goal(s) could you set that you might be able to make happen in just a week or two? Something that you could see progress with that will keep you inspired to keep on going?