I have just got the DR book and I am really determind to save my marriage and for W to get ride of the OM.
For starter her are my first goals.
1. To be calm and handle situation without getting fruatrated and not to yell....
2. Spend more time with my kids... They are very active and frustarted, I feel they see what going on with W and myself and this is the way they show it.
3. Try to keep good communication with W as a good friend but still giving her space. Also dont show any feeling when she is going out even if I know she is with the OM.
4. Start looking into our finacial sit. and start paying the bill but making sure she understands that she has been doing a great job, just helping out.
Thes are four to start with and I reaaly would like your thoughts if I am heading on the right track. Please speak freely .... Thanks. Flyer
These are great ideas..............they are great things to do.
Let's refine your goals to be the things you want to receive/achieve....what will she be saying, what will she be doing?
For example.....what does good communication with your wife look like and sound like....what is the body language...what are the words....where are you when it is going on.......
Then......list the actions you want to try to achieve these goals (similar to what you have already listed.....but do it AFTER listing what you want to achieve.
great start!!!!!!!!!!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks sgctxok for commenting. I hope I am going to do this right, feel free to slap me in the head if I go off track.
1. To be calm and handle situation without getting fruatrated and not to yell.... W will respond in a better tone of voice and she would talk alittle longer but not long. the kids will be less frustrated but more playfull. when things are calm she responds alot better. I try to start it off with the kids out of the room but I normaly let her lead, she will show alittle smile sometimes.
2. Spend more time with my kids... They are very active and frustarted, I feel they see what going on with W and myself and this is the way they show it. With a calm attitude I try to reason with our children and I do some things with them that they like to do... W seems to notice this alittle and does not comment but complains alittle about them recently. I must show that I love being with them and enjoy doing things with them. W does not spend too much time with them to entertain them as I do but I am hoping to change that.
3. Try to keep good communication with W as a good friend but still giving her space. Also dont show any feeling when she is going out even if I know she is with the OM. When W and I communicate its normaly in the kitchen or family room, sometimes the kids are present. When she initiates the talk I get a better attitude, she is more calm and looks normal with no anger...then she will spend alittle more time talking. the words are never about me unless she wants me to do something.
4. Start looking into our finacial sit. and start paying the bill but making sure she understands that she has been doing a great job, just helping out. This one I have to be carefull how I do things, she may get upset about it. I have started to look at some bills and slowly increasing each time, I started to pay a few as she is. She shows a slightly a better attitude and does not question me why I am doing it. she has lately gives me some bills to take care of and I make sure it gets done, I will just mension to her the status of them and end it. I will start taking on alittle more and especially if their in my name.
I hope I am doing this wright, please guide me if I am wrong. I am still reading DR and find it very usefull.
One question I would like to ask is about the OM. I know who he is and he work with my W, she sneaks out to see him evry night and talks to him on her cell. My question is, do I confront her on this or I should not. I feel alot of times that the longer she is doing this the worse it's going to get. Please guide me on this question, it's the one that is bothering me the most. She does not know that I know their is OM.
Quote: One question I would like to ask is about the OM.
I know who he is and he work with my W, she sneaks out to see him evry night and talks to him on her cell.
My question is, do I confront her on this or I should not.
I feel alot of times that the longer she is doing this the worse it's going to get. Please guide me on this question, it's the one that is bothering me the most. She does not know that I know their is OM.
For this, always refer back to the question, "Is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer to my goals, or drive me farther away from them?"
It's usually best to not concentrate on your partner's R with an OP. You can usually make more headway by concentrating on strengthing your R with your partner.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks for replying..... That part i dont know what is going to happen but she seems really inlove with OM and she does not even notices me at all. I try to keep the communication going but it's hard when she goes out every night and and see's him and works with him... Any Idea's to help me on the right track james.... Thanks. Flyer
Help. WAW. Married 11 years. Received the "I don't love you; I never loved you," scenario. Reading DR and trying to develop SPECIFIC action goals. Here are some brief thoughts I jotted down. ALL thoughts and HELP are appreciated.
1.) If I hug her; I want her to reciprocate. (NO physical contact for at least 2 months +) Should I ask or just hug her?
2.) Ask for help with children.
3.) When she asks me if I'm ok with her doing or not doing something and I'm not; say no. (Rarely did this. Did not want to rock the boat. Harbored resentment.
These were specific goals I believe I could strive for this week?
Sounds like you are still in denial about the sitch but that is normal. It does hit like a brick and you need to find the will and courage to pull yourself together in order to DB. Find whatever works best, meditation, prayer, shouting alone, crying, etc... once you have gained the inner peace w/it, the pain subsides in your stomach.
Now for the goals...I would say they may be too vast for now.
1 - If she hasn't had contact w/you for 2 mos, she is more than likely not ready for any yet. Think about this, have you hugged her recently and how did she react?
2 - What is the action you are trying to receive? Her to help willingly, her to help without asking, or just some help coz she doesn't do it now? This may be more of a discussion that you need to have regarding the care of the children and who does what.
3 - Sounds like a good one. You do not need to elaborate to her if you don't want to but saying NO will give her an understanding of your emotions.
I would think smaller. For example, if she doesn't generally hug you, is she touching you at all? How could you get some sort of physical contact from her? Could it be for her to touch your shoulder or bruch past you in the hall, etc... smaller will work to bigger.
A female perspective. No, I have not tried to hug her or intiate ANY physical contact. One of the issues her mother mentioned to me was not enough TLC, of course I thought I was loving, hugging, squeezing her hand, etc, but I was thinking about ME, not her, something we clueless men tend to do. She is moving out in Mar, but I want to let her know I still care for her. I was thinking of saying, "I am not looking for a response. I know what you are going through is difficult. I do love you and thought you might like a hug?" Something like that? Children. Sometimes I FEEL like I do all the work; I am the stay at home Dad, so I know I do the lions share and I'm ok with this, but it would be nice if she would pitch in and help with bedtime or baths without me asking, which I have not done. I like her to be involved and I know the children do. Defintely still in denial, trying very, very hard to be strong, supportive for me, but it is difficult. There is no communication except for mandatory items, school, children, schedules, etc. I know time and patience are key, but I feel helpless and hopeless, but I must go on. I do want her in our lives. Any ideas on baby steps?
