One of the things I just read in DR, was if your marriage is on shaky ground, or your spouse does NOT want to talk about the M, (where we definitely are), do NOT ask your spouse for anything.
This is very hard. I did it for months before I feel my H even began to acknowledge any of my goals. In short, I work FT, have 3 kids and have been doing everything for them for the past 18 mos. and keeping the house up. H moved out and that was it. Have no choice. He does get them a few days a wk at the house but short from dinner and bath (coz he's there and I'm not) nothing else. Am I tired, YOU BET. It's unconditional love for me and no alternatives. Just wanted you to get a feel for where I am and how it is. But the air is "thinner" and we've started talking. He actually has done a few things that make me feel less stress (small though they are).
I wouldn't talk to her about it. She will know you care coz you are giving her space. Ask her how you plan on dealing w/time for the kids, etc... Baby step would be for her to offer info on this area and not you to give her ideas.
Start acting interested in her day- small things about work or a hobby. She'll still be cold but if it goes well, she will start convos w/you about those things to keep you "in the loop"?? Good luck!
Will she know I care (because I'm giving her space) or giving her "permission" to get out of the R? She says she will come by in the evenings and some mornings to take them to school and have them spend some weekends with her. She has offered ideas; I have not asked. I have asked about work or school (she's in Grad School) in a long time; is this a "safe" issue to ask about, even if I do not get much response? I believe I should set some type of small action goals even if she is not aware of them, because if I continue without purpose or direction, I feel even more helpless. No telling her I still love her and/or offer a hug? Thoughts? Thanks
- To not be tense at all when I talk to him on the phone. - To not slip back into making excuses when we are talking. - To be able to see him without feeling overly emotional.
I've been much better about the not making excuses or trying to rationalize my point of view, but I can still feel myself sliding on that one.
And althought I've been much more pleasant on the phone with him (I can already tell a difference in the last week), I can still sometimes feel myself slide out of the happy, serene, everything-is-okay mentality. I think getting those two completely licked will help even more.
The last one is the hardest for me right now. I am supposed to take him some things that I accidentally packed, but I've been putting it off until I can handle it better.
Thank you for this forum, your work, books, etc. You were recommended by my C. She is terrific. I almost slipped and called her "Michele" last time I was in. She is helping me focus on GOALS and how to evaluate live-in WAW's reactions, responses, behavior, etc.
I have seen an amazing turn around in W's attitude toward me. We talk, she laughs sometimes, no tension between us (drastic contrast to pre-DBing). However, W said last nite that she feels I am playing games by being nice, doing house work (I've always helped her with this area!) and it won't work...she's not changing her mind. She very coldly, matter-of-fact said "If you don't make some decisions as to who moves out, I will do what I have to do". Yikes!
Is this just a progression or, as in your chapters on OP's and MLC's, she has closed the door to R? I know there is an E attachment to a young atty she works/travels with (geesh, am I just naive or what?).
I have mtg w/C (my in-person DB coach) tomorrow nite. She encourages active participation here on the BB.
I thank God for you and your work. You are awesome!!
I am new and I have read Divorce Busting. I feel I am ready to post my goals.
1.Stop pursuit 2. No more ILY 3. Go to bed before H gets home from a night out. 4. Eand all phone conversations and visits first. 6. No talk of R or OW. 7. Upbeat and attractive around him. 8. Spend time with kids only on "My days" 9. Spend time only on me on "his days." 10. Will not be overly available for H. 11. I will become a good responsive listener even when what he says is dufficult. 12. However i will not take to heart confusion on his part. How will I notice improvement in R. 1. H will intitiate a visit. 2. H will innitiate not sexual affection. Small steps but large meanings.
What have I done to work towards these goals?
Last night for the first time I did not call while he was out with his friends. I always do. I went to bed before he got home. When I felt the urge to call I instead called to friends to discuss unrelated topics.
What was the outcome of this 180?
H was very surprised to find me in bed. "Woke" me up to say he was at home. And was overall pretty warm with me. All usual tension was difussed.
How did I feel?
This was very hard to do because I felt the pangs of worry that the OW may have been at the outing. But I did not verbalize this or even ask anything about the night. Was troubling at first but felt powerful too. I was in control of my emotions, not subject to them. I hope i can keep this up!
Thanks for listening. Any feed back is appreciated.
1. Overcome the need to push issues, to contradict H when he is not being provocative or accusatory. 2. Maintain a positive, upbeat, and loving attitude towards him. 3. Remain objective and focused when discussing the R and future with him. 4. Support his needs as much as possible while being sure my own are not compromised. 5. Through example, show H that things can change and improve, and that growth and the ability to say anything are not the same as conflict, hate, and disrespect..they are the foundation of loving another person for a long time.
