Here are some of my short term goals. 1. Be more financially secure. a. picking up some overtime at work. b. try to save money instead of spend on frivious things. 2. Working on being a better parent. a. spending more time with them. 3. Keep the house clean and inviting. 4. Wear make up even if I am only going to the store. 5. Spend some time by myself-without kids. 6. Become a Register nurse. (this is more a long term goal). 7. No more fighting with Hubby. 8. Stop defending myself. 9. Be my hubby's best-friend again. a. listening to what he is saying. b. validate his feelings. c. be there if he needs me. 10. And have hubby home by MAY!!!!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
-Philo
Accept that even though I did not actually physically cheat on him, what I did can be considered cheating because I did do it behind his back and out of anger.
Lose weight
Not be whiny
Stop bringing up his faults. The past is the past.
I sure feel that I want to work on myself not just because of my wife. My wife's action is the hardest kick in the butt. However, my wife feels she doesn't have it for me any longer and views any change that I exhibit with suspicion and anger. While she says that I can just be myself and it is she who doesnt want it that way and so wants an out, I see that she will appreciate it if I were to be different than what I am now. This is something she doesnt quite want to face. How do I handle this part of it? Here are the goals I have set for myself: 1. Communicate Communicate Communicate: - Talk to W abt work/goal/aspirations and actions taken towards that (she is mighty irritated abt me sittin on stuff and not doin anything abt it and frankly I am too) - Be spontaneous in thoughts and actions - Talk abt interest and future plans While I have started doing the above things it HURTS when she says that while these things are fine why only now and that it may not change the way she feels. A small fear I have here is that I feel if I start being true to all I say and start being successful in my actions she may see that as an oppprtunity to get away!
2. Develop personal interests and self: - Work out in the evening - Making firends through a new orgn and gym - GOing out with friends - Form a good band of friends - Maintain a more cordial and outgoing relationship with existing acquaintances - Develop hobby - martial arts, mountain climbing, swimming
1. BABY steps and PATIENCE. This is hard for me. 2. Zero pursuit behavior 3. lovingly detach- it is hard to detach and to keep loving. 4. stop the thoughts and worry about that which I can't control- drop and give me 20 method. 5. eat. I had to go buy new clothes I lost so much weight. Cannot believe it. My jeans are a size 2! I was between 7-9. I will eat at least 2 times a day. 6. email contact with hubby goes ok. Each face to face contact has gone BAD. His tone and his comments hurt my feelings and I get weepy. I interject too much. Have face to face with him. Look good. Feel happy. NO ILY. Listen. Validate. Do not mention my feelings, thoughts,etc. Do not ask for anything. No R talk. 7. GAL and PMA kind of go together. Begin re-establishing my life. New job and place to live. Rekindle old friendships. Take dancing lessons and Yoga. 8. Learn to not stress and have anxiety. Keep myself calm. Still learning what methods are effective here. 9. H will decide to separate from OW and me. To keep promise to get counseling. To only be "open to possibilities" and to not do more damage. Yes, this is out of my control. Other than I can plant those seeds of doubt and hope he will choose this. DBing all the way for this!
H and I are meeting tomorrow to discuss an offer on the house. Goals for meeting: 1. be cute and in a good mood 2. end it b4 he does- I have plans afterwards so this works to my advantage 3. ask nothing of him- no demands, no pressure 4. no R talk, no ILU 5. listen and validate 6. do not ask if he plans to continue to live with her, stay here or go back to to YS. Act as if it makes no difference. I have my own life and my own plans right now.
check for each goal listed for meeting with H. Response- he said he wanted counseling. He mentioned he did not want to live with OW HE asked ME for a hug. Go me!
Next goals: Do not email him unless I have to for an offer on the house. If he emails me...don't even check my email for a few days. Make him wait. Enjoy each day for myself. Read Men are from mars, women are from venus. Re-read DB techniques. Continue my method for stopping the thoughts. Continue to do no more harm. Patience, patience, patience. keep GAL and PMA continue to lovingly detach. Try to go for a few days without even thinking about this. Just enjoy the day.
Hi, my name is Ann, I'm new here. This is the only place I could find to post.. sorry I'll illiterate at this. I think I'm doing it wrong. Will make this short.. Hubby left on March 8th(me and our 3 kids).. just started taking them for his weekends as I had to file for divorce on March 31st to try and get some money from him as he left and wasn't speaking to me or giving me money for bills or food(still no child support yet). He has taken the kids twice now, and last Saturday(the 21st May) he did actually talk to me, and "other things" went on, even though he said no, he didn't stop me. He is seeing another woman, although he denies it(this is per his family telling me) and I suspect he may be using cocaine(the girl he is seeing is for sure). I still want him back, the kids want him back but right now he says he has made up his mind, and he doesn't love me anymore, and he wants a divorce. I have not handled things too well up til now.. and I tried giving him the book, the Divorce Remedy last week but he would not take it.(nor did he take the card or gift I bought him) I feel like getting his prescription of Viagra filled tomorrow so he will not have it for HER, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not? Please anyone who can email me I'd really appreciate it.. I will try to find my way back here but not sure I'll be able to.. my email is Annibelle71@aol.com. Thanks everyone
Ann, I am sorry you are going through this right now. My suggestion to you is this: Do not ask anything of him right now. Re-read DB and start with the basics. I know it is not easy. Don't give him reasons to justify why he feels angry. I know you are hurting. Dont let your emotions control what you do or say. Get strong enough to control your emotions and then think through a good plan of what you should do. Read the newcomers thread. If you can, call and schedule a phone session with one of the counselors here. Ask for help from those you love, but don't ask for advice. You can't make good decisions right now when you are in such a spot. By beginning the DBing techniques, you will find yourself more able to take care of yourself and your kids and be more able to start making choices. I wish you lots of luck.
